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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Kids sleeping arrangements during access

20 replies

WorkingClassMum · 16/05/2018 04:10

I’m in the processing of seperating from my kids’ father. He is shifting into a 2 bedroom unit (his choice). We currently own the unit together.

When inspecting the unit after tenants have vacated, he indicated he’ll be turning the 2nd bedroom into a lounge/TV room and that he’d get a fold down couch for our 14yo to sleep on during access visits.

He’s now told me he’s bought a leather couch, with no fold out bed and the 14yo can sleep on a camping mattress on the floor in the TV room.

The 14yo doesn’t know about this yet and I prolly have to let them make the decision, but I’m really quite incensed.

He earns a good wicket, isn’t short of a bob or two so is not tight for money.

OP posts:

Puffycat · 16/05/2018 04:17

What is a unit? Does your 14yr old have a space? Is he taking the piss?

Original poster

WorkingClassMum · 16/05/2018 04:20

A two bedroom flat - and it’s open plan so DD would have no private space

OP posts:

Original poster

WorkingClassMum · 16/05/2018 04:21

And no, he’s not taking the piss he’s already bought all the furniture and had it delivered to our current house - it’s in the garage.

OP posts:

SciFiG33k · 16/05/2018 04:23

What is he doing with the actual lounge if he is making the 2nd bedroom into a lounge?

Original poster

WorkingClassMum · 16/05/2018 04:24

The lounge is a L shaped lounge/dining/kitchen area and he plans to put the freaking huge 8 seater table in there.

OP posts:

Puffycat · 16/05/2018 04:26

My only thought is that my 14 yr olds really needed their own room, regardless of mum and dad , lalala, they really need their own space, I know that sounds wanky but they do

flumpybear · 16/05/2018 04:26

Tell him it's not really suitable for overnight stays then - what would the courts say? 14 year olds need their space, what if she wants to go to bed at say 10pm and your ex wants to continue watching the tv?

beIindaBlinked · 16/05/2018 04:28

So, he thinks it ok for his 14year old daughter to sleep in the open plan without a private space to relax in?

No wonder you're enraged.

What a bizarre plan!

I would be insisting that, if he believed a floor bed in the open plan is so acceptable - then he can use it and give up give up his bedroom!!

SciFiG33k · 16/05/2018 04:30

I think at 14 your DD will have a say in whether she actually wants to stay at her dads place overnight for access.

Is he expecting that he will have her overnight or just visits after school and during the day at the weekend.

I'd doubt a judge would make her stay the night if he took you to court to have her overnight in the set up you described unless she actually is happy to go.

Puffycat · 16/05/2018 04:30

Teenagers need a private space, that is totally theirs, if you are lucky they will invite you to enter it..........advance at your own risk........

Original poster

WorkingClassMum · 16/05/2018 04:32

I have already said I was unhappy about the arrangements, that he changed his plans after we’d agreed, that a mattress on the floor was temporary at best and that DD needs privacy.

His answers are that it’s none of my business, and that she can go to the bathroom to get dressed or changed and it’s up to her (because she’s 14). The 17yo won’t go and stay.

This is all yet to go to court.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/05/2018 04:49

If he wants her to stay overnight, she should stay in the bedroom. He gets the camp bed. Why can’t your dd sleep in the other bedroom with her sibling(s). I know that’s not ideal but perhaps workable for occasional visits. Ex gets the smaller bedroom. How often are the overnights going to be? If it’s 2x/week, he should be reconfiguring to 3 beds or getting something more suitable if money isn’t an issue.

Original poster

WorkingClassMum · 16/05/2018 04:57

The 17yo DS refuses to go - so he’s not an issue.

Ex is says he expecting me to persuade DD to not stay, he says he wants 50/50, or all school holidays but he’s not doing anything to make her want to stay.

He says I’m unreasonable to expect him to supply a bedroom and bed when he “knows” I’m going to block her seeing him.

This is just the latest in a long list of egotistical selfish behaviour.

OP posts:

SD1978 · 16/05/2018 05:00

You’re not being unreasonable but she is old enough to make her own choices, and discuss or tell them to her father. He’s being a selfish u reasonable bastard, but she needs to make that choice.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/05/2018 05:08

He wants 50/50 but you’re going to block access so no point supplying a bedroom. He’s a gem. Complete self sabotage. Ignore ignore ignore. I’m no expert having never been through this situation.

I cannot imagine a court would order access for a 14 yo. I would have thought you’d be advised by your solicitor to put something in writing words to effect: Dd will make up her own mind if she wants to sleep at his home, which is generally accepted as the norm at her age. What he chooses to provide for her will have an impact on whether or not she is comfortable for overnights. That way you put all the onus on him and are dictating nothing.

In any case, you need a legal fingers up. One less stick to beat you with. Prick.

MrsCrabbyTree · 16/05/2018 05:16

Are you sure he wants 50/50? Or could the lack of bedroom and privacy be a round about way of creating a reason DD will not want to stay and therefore absolving him of responsibility allowing him so much more freedom with moving on with his life.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/05/2018 05:27

MrsCrabbyTree
That’s also what I think. But he wants to blame op for it.

Sundance65 · 16/05/2018 06:44

My brother lives in a 1 bed flat and his 15yr son sleeps on mattress in front room and has no problem with it. He stays every weekend the whole school holidays.

All kids are different.

Tbh at 14 this is between your dd and him and I would avoid getting involved. It's not really that serious an issue as it's not actually causing any harm - if your dd really does not like it then she will make this clear and he will have to deal with it.

These things have a habit of working themselves out in time .

Shedmicehugh1 · 16/05/2018 06:56

It’s your dd’s choice. If she doesn’t want to stay, she can tell him.

AuntieStella · 16/05/2018 06:57

Your ex is right, arrangements a his new place are indeed none of your business.

But I can see he's lining you up to be the bad guy, with all this rubbish about you talking her out of wanting to see him.

Encourage her to go. If she tells you about what visits are like, just make the right noises and tell her she needs to sort it out with him.

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