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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

TO not go on hen night even though I have no real excuse?

25 replies

ComfyPantz · 15/05/2018 22:06

I have terrible social anxiety and currently suffering a relapse.

I've been invited to a hen night in June. I won't know anyone apart from the hen. I like her very much and don't want to let her down but I just can't face it. She's asked if I want to stay at her house that night too and I can't face that either. I'm a bit of a hermit and would miss my own house/bed. I'd feel very vulnerable as daft as it sounds.

AIBU to not go even though I have no excuse?

OP posts:

Frosty66612 · 15/05/2018 22:09

I’ve suffered from bad anxiety in the past and wouldn’t have gone to something like this. Could you be honest with the friend or does she not have any idea about your anxiety? Could you compromise and just go along for an hour or two? You have my full sympathies as I used to find it hard to even leave my house when I was at my worst. Going to a hen do would have been my worst nightmare back then

moofeatures · 15/05/2018 22:11

It's an invitation, not a summons

Fruitcorner123 · 15/05/2018 22:11

I wonder if you could challenge yourself to go just for a couple of hours. Drive so you are free to leave when you like and give it a go.

If she's a very good friend I would let her know about your anxiety and explain that you will do your best.

Wolfiefan · 15/05/2018 22:12

It's not an excuse. It's a reason. If she's a real friend then she will understand. Maybe meet up another time.

Original poster

ComfyPantz · 15/05/2018 22:12

I find it difficult to leave the house too. I go to work and gym - that's it. I'll go out to take the dog for a walk and might venture to shop on my better days but a full on night out with loads of people I don't know, I can't even get my head around that.

We're both medical professions so maybe I should just be honest and tell her the real reason.

OP posts:

Storm4star · 15/05/2018 22:13

Does she know you have anxiety? Would you feel able to have a one on one thing with her? Maybe a meal out or failing that a girlie evening at home?

If I were in your friends position and one of my good friends came to me feeling that way, I would understand and would have a separate night with just the two of us.

If she’s a good friend, talk to her, be honest.

Wolfiefan · 15/05/2018 22:14

If you feel comfortable telling her then I would. Will you be able to face the actual wedding?

Hopskipjumping · 15/05/2018 22:14

Honestly I would cancel, perhaps fake an illness if you don't feel comfortable explaining then meet her privately for a coffee or catch up before the wedding. I have done similar as I couldn't handle the anxiety. I get the whole push yourself ect but for me it would make me miserable in the run up to the event and cancelling just made my life easier.

Frosty66612 · 15/05/2018 22:15

Yes I think you should tell her the truth about how much it’s affecting you. A real friend will be sympathetic and not make you feel bad about it. Anxiety can be incredibly hard to deal with. Have you sought help for it at all yet?

Odoreida · 15/05/2018 22:15

I understand how you are feeling. When I suffered from anxiety I dreaded these occasions. Just say that you can't make it - invent a reason if you don't want to be truthful - and arrange to take the hen out for a really nice dinner on another day. Suggest some dates and a restaurant so she knows you mean it!

gingerparkin · 15/05/2018 22:23

Ditto the suggestion to

Tell her honestly about your anxiety,so she understands. A true friend will.
Re-iterate that you would like to celebrate with her 1:1 and book a nice lunch, afternoon tea etc

One of my oldest and closest friends didn’t come to my wedding for a similar reason. He had just been through some difficult times and couldn’t face it. I appreciated that he could be honest and didn’t feel obligated to put himself through something he couldn’t manage at the time. If anything, it deepened our friendship as it developed understanding between us.

Don’t give yourself loads of stress between now and the hen night. Talk to her soon. Good luck!

Original poster

ComfyPantz · 15/05/2018 22:40

I've just text her and told her the truth - hopefully she'll reply 😭

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 15/05/2018 22:45

I'm sure she will. And a decent friend wouldn't want to make your anxiety spiral by guilting you into going. Hope you feel better soon.

overnightangel · 15/05/2018 22:49

“It's not an excuse. It's a reason”

This

Spongeface · 15/05/2018 23:17

I'm glad you have text. Surely she will understand and be glad of your honesty.
I recently went to a hen weekend I was anxious about... And ended up not enjoying it and ruining others enjoyment by needing looked after. You are doing the right thing!

TuTru · 15/05/2018 23:23

I detest hen nights.
I’d only go if it was my best friend or sister. Out of duty.
Otherwise no thanks. I’d just say no thanks Soz I don’t do hen doooz.
If there’s an option to just show your face at some point early on try that xx

BackforGood · 15/05/2018 23:34

Like TuTru, I don't 'do' hen nights. I don't have anxiety. I don't have any reason, but, as is so often said on here - it is an invitation. I just say 'thanks for the invite, but it's not for me thanks. Hope you have fun' type of response.

fourfuckssake4 · 16/05/2018 12:19

Has your friend replied?

SayImADreamer · 16/05/2018 12:21

You should go IMO and find coping techniques for your anxiety. Otherwise life is going to feel pretty flat if you cant find ways of enjoying the moments that go into making a life, and i mean that kindly!

Nikephorus · 16/05/2018 12:43

“It's not an excuse. It's a reason”
This ^^
You should go IMO and find coping techniques for your anxiety.
If only it was this ^^ simple!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 16/05/2018 12:46

You have got an excuse or rather a reason. You're ill anxiety is an illness. YANBU.

Clandestino · 16/05/2018 12:46

I don't suffer from anxiety that much but I wouldn't go to a hen night and simply say I can't with no reason given. I don't drink alcohol and I hate being in a company of drunk people so it wouldn't be for me. I'd rather have two root canals than going to a hen night so I get you.
Just say you're not going and that's it. You don't have to give any reasons.

SaucyJack · 16/05/2018 12:50

"enjoying the moments that go into making a life"

Many people, anxiety or not, would not find going to a party where they only knew the host an enjoyable part of life.

Mingling is often only fun if you're very young or very drunk.

theunsure · 16/05/2018 12:51

Glad you have told her OP.

For what it is worth, I've had social anxiety in the past. I am largely on top of it now but not completely.

When I've not been great I have told the people around me and then we've worked something out so that I can go to things but have an easy "get out" if it is too much.

I don't think avoiding every social scenario is good - the way to get better is to push through with support until it gets easier. But you do have to be in the right frame of mine to challenge yourself like that.

Like a previous poster says, I'd often make myself go - but on the understanding I could leave after 1 or 2 hours. Often then I found that I would happily stay later and later as once I knew I could leave I was actually much better.

That said though, I had to go to a wedding the other day without DH and I found it really tough. it was a great day but I couldn't relax unfortunately. I watched everyone else enjoy themselves whilst I just wanted to go home as I was so self conscious. Silly as everyone was really nice.

tinkerbellone · 19/05/2018 17:30

Hi OP
Did your friend reply? X

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