Is a parent blinded by love?

[Bringbackthesunshine]

After a terribly stressful week last week with tons of arguing, DH and I are now back on track and back to normal.

The arguing surrounded his eldest child (18) who's behaviour i'm finding quite difficult. He's not doing anything unusual for a slightly stroppy 18 year old but we had a disagreement (DSS and I). This escalated out of all proportion as DH didn't feel I was justified and he couldn't see what the problem was, very obviously I could see what the problem was and we had a strong difference of opinion. As can happen, a big row followed a minor disagreement.

My question is, as a parent would you agree that you cannot always see what others can? Do you perceive a child's behaviour to be better because you love them so much? Do you look at situations with hindsight and perhaps think the other person had a point? AIBU to see an issue and raise it as it directly affects me or should I stay quiet?

For background i'm a step mum, childless, not through choice. Been with husband for years, not the OW.

You don't say what the disagreement was about? so we cannot say whether you or dh/ss were in the wrong.

Yes I stick up for my children...but if they were in the wrong they would be told they were in the wrong.

Unfortunately, sometimes people disagree on whats right/wrong.

Or they are naturally laid back; or they pick their battles as far as stroppy teens are concerned; eg. Out of DH and I one of us has a very different concept of what is tidy, allowing sleepovers etc.

So you may just have a difference of opinion how to handle one matter rather than DH being blinded by love.

I can very clearly see my children’s faults. I don’t consider myself blinded by love at all. I am however protective of them and can get very defensive if others pick at them. What happened?

What happened is quite outing so i'll try and keep it a little vague. DSS has a new job, full-time, decent money, good prospects. He was not particularly academic and found school boring. He didn't put much effort in and took a lot of time off "sick", which meant sitting in his room with his Xbox. When this job came up, both DH and I explained it was important to knuckle down and impress the employer. Taking lots of sick time for lame excuses and not being willing would mean he wouldn't succeed. Six weeks in he's off sick when he is clearly not ill (I mean really not ill). His manager has had to give him a warning for sloppy behaviour, mostly due I believe to his obsession with latest girlfriend who he's fallen head over heels for and can't stay off social media with her.

I said he needs to buck up and start behaving like a young adult who's been given a great opportunity. DH said he's only young and should be given more of a chance. Our argument ended up with me saying he clearly wasn't ill, DH knows this but defended him to the hilt.

I can see my kids flaws.
But it depends in how someone tells them off in how I’d respond. If your going over the top then il stick up for them anyway.

Loving anyone makes them easier to live with. Child or partner. If you stop loving them or never did then normal stuff annoys you. It’s normal (both sides).

I don’t think it was your place to have that chat with him, his dad should be telling him those things instead and if he’s not that worried then I would just keep out.

I think so. It's hard not to look at your grown child and still see every little person they have been, and that colours your perception of them.

I am not blind to my children's faults. at all. in this situation i would be backing you in telling DSS to pull his socks up. he's 18. thats an adult. he needs to start behaving like one.

As a parent I see children's behaviour in general differently to the way I did before but I am not deluded about my own children in any way

This child needs to see the natural consequences of his behaviour and be allowed to fail. Better at 18 living at home than age 30 with a partner and kids.

I think it’s hard as you love them unconditionally and when the other parent (step parent or not) criticises them it can be automatic to defend them. DH and I seem to take turns! Parenting young adults is bloody stressful and I wish I knew what I’d done wrong sometimes.
Let your DSS make mistakes if he doesn’t listen to your advice, and when things go wrong support him to learn from it rather than bailing him out. I’m trying to take a step back!

He sounds like he's into a good thing with the job, getting in trouble 6 weeks after starting sounds a bit crap. If he's got form for this it doesn't bode well and you are right to point this out. I'm sure I would to my DS.

Thank you all. @Happiness why is not my place to say something? He lives here 50/50, I have cared for him for years up until now. He is still fed when he's home, he doesn't have any responsibilities when he's here, he doesn't contribute towards the food bill - I pay for half of his costs, so therefore I consider I should be able to say when he's putting his job at risk! DH claims that if he loses the job he'll be "on his own", i.e. he won't be subbing him and helping him out. He'll have to find another job to pay for his car and his mobile phone. I can't see this happening based on last week.

I think I'm absolutely blinded by love, and most of the parents I know are the same.

So, for example, if your child is ratty and intolerant and you know this isn't typical; rather than thinking about the behaviour, I would think "well, she slept really badly last night, so this is TIRED behaviour" [this was when she was younger]. That kind of thing.

It helps to know that DH can't see fault due to the strong bond rather than just being blind to it. Does that make sense? It appears as though DH can see no wrong whatsoever in DSS, and I sound like a moaning evil stepmother. I just need to step back and let DSS find his own way. I will seriously not be financially supporting him though if he messes this up.