AIbu to feel like we are not progressing

[GrumpySkintCow]

I think I am probably going to get flamed for this, but recently I have been feeling like we are not progressing in our life as a family. 2 dcs. DH is the main earner, I am workig part time. Recently I have been feeling really frustrated- feels like we are stuck in the same place and not “moving”. My career has stalled, despite dh earning reasonably we never seem to have any money for bigger purchases or home renovation. I can see all our friends decorating, doing up their gardens, or going on holidays. Apart from not having masses of spare cash, it feels like dh just doesn’t care about what our house or garden looks like. I seem to be the default cleaner/cook/shopper as I work only 3.5 days a week. I am not sure what I am more frustrated about-that we don’t have the means or that dh doesn’t care... on a plus side, apart from mortgage we have no other debts. Aibu?

I have no interest in how my house is decorated, and shopping is never a leisure activity for me, so I can sort of see where your dh is coming from. But I can also see your point.

You are bringing up your children, paying your way, and managing to do it without any other debt than our mortgage. Loads of people would be very happy to have achieved that.
But you are discontented because having achieved it you want more.
Ok. So write a list of the 'more' you would like to have in the next few years. Consider the costs- money, time, work, loss of time with your kids. Decide with your dh the ones you want to save for and plan for. Which might be worth working extra hours for.
It might be a holiday, it might be a couple of house projects, or maybe doing a course to get the job of your dreams.
Does your dh really not care? Or does he not have the spare energy as he works full time and you are at home more?

Very few people actually have 'spare' money, your friends are either doing it all on credit cards or scrimping and saving up for what they want.

Thanks for replies. I think it could also be partly frustration with dh. I genuinely think he doesn’t care or planning is too much effort. I have no high expectations. I am not talking house extensions or new kitchen. Just to refresh our house a bit, maybe plan for a change of furniture. I would be happy with a trip to ikea!
I started thinking I would save up and go on holiday with dcs only next year. I am just tired of standing still and feeling like life escapes me.

Do you really think redecorating a house will bring you satisfaction though? Why is the idea of progressing based on that sort of thing?

I get you, OP.

My ex wasn't interested in doing up the home or pulling his weight around the house. The two go hand in hand for me - if you are proud of your home you'll want it to look tidy and well decorated. Some people just don't care, it's not necessarily a bad thing but you'll probably be change that about him.

In terms of the house all I can suggest is getting on DIY sites and cracking on with it yourself.

Relationship wise, sounds like you need to talk and see if your desires for the future still match up. Maybe you're both in a bit of a rut?

Can you step up to full time work? Makes total sense, especially if your kids are school age. That way you’ll bring in more More money and also have more opportunities open to you, as full time roles tend to provide more chances for development and promotions

Read how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. It will help you identify what you want from life and help you plan in order to get your life looking like how you want it to.

It is tough when you're a do-er and the other person isn't. But is he happy to go along with what you want?

I do think you need to establish a better balance of chores between you and dh. Yes it's reasonable that you do more but not that you do everything.

Thanks! I think I would be happy to go back full time, but since maternity it feels like I am the default parent-so whilst it’s not that much of a problem when I work part time, when I go full time, childcare, cooking and cleaning will still fall on me as dh never comes home before 7. For those of you who do work full time-how do you split chores with dh?

I agree that you should be doing more household stuff but not all of it, given the split of full time work/3.5 days.

It's unclear from your posts what you feel progressing actually is. Buying new stuff doesn't seem like progress to me. Having a family holiday is a reasonable thing to want, so that could be something to talk to your DH about to see how you could plan and organise that.

Bar seven months maternity leave I always worked full-time. DH did all the cooking and Saturday food shop, I did the cleaning and washing. We both washed up and kept the house tidy, we both worked on the garden. DH did DIY, though I always helped within the skills I had.

Basically, we haven’t done anytning to our house in the last 8 years and it’s beginning to show. Whilst I am not one to diy in baby haze stage, kids are bigger now and I feel like we should be just enjoying planning how to improve where we live, if that makes sense? I just have this feelig that unless I start doing something myself, we will be in the same position in 10 years time. Everything is just really tired. When we moved in, we bough everything on a tigh budget, some furniture was brough from our flat, so for example our sofa must be 12 years old. Aibu to want to start chaning things? I don’t think I can actually put in words exactly how I feel. Itching for a change!

I can understand wanting to change dated and worn furniture, but I don't see that as progress just as something that needs doing every so often. I also don't think it needs a huge discussion or planning.