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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this poem any good?

37 replies

Hmmthanks · 15/05/2018 18:07

A wanted man

All I wanted
Was to be
Wanted
Quite as much
As I wanted, want, am
Wanting.
But I was left
Waiting, my woozy
Wanderings
Wasting hasty into a dull numb.
Heavy heart
Hotly wanting, a wont
of mine smoothed
by your surging slippery
Wantlessness:
Woman, unwanted,
Wan smile on my face.
Flushing hotly, burning royally;
Wet streaming, screaming.
I won’t, I will not!
Wall-eyed I wallow deadly,
While warmly, wetly you glisten:
A wolfish well-heeled warning
on a wintry day.

OP posts:
TheFaerieQueene · 15/05/2018 18:52

It is expressing how you are feeling, so it is good, because it is pertinent to your current situation and helps you to work through your emotions.

People's opinions about it’s merits as a piece of word are really unimportant.

TheFaerieQueene · 15/05/2018 18:52

Work not word

Balaboosteh · 15/05/2018 18:55

I like it! I like that you did it and I like that you asked for opinions.

Strongmummy · 15/05/2018 18:56

I rather like it (and think it’s pretty obvious to understand!) but too much alliteration

ForkIt · 15/05/2018 19:18

I’m no judge of poetry, but I quite like the first few lines but then it feels a bit clunky/ hard to pronounce. A new ending though and some la gauge changes and it would improve. It’s not without merit, it conveys emotion clearly

GinIsIn · 15/05/2018 19:49

No, sorry. It’s all a bit mills and boon, and too alliterative, with too much repetition and too many Ws.

YouAreNotImportant · 15/05/2018 19:55

You can just write something in a notebook you know. You don't have to 'get something out' on the internet.

Strongmummy · 15/05/2018 19:57

@youarenotimportant I think the OP was after feedback dear

dementedma · 15/05/2018 20:03

better like this?
wanted man

All I wanted
Was to be
Wanted
Quite as much
As I wanted, want, am
Wanting.
But I was left
Waiting, my woozy
Wanderings
Wasting hasty into a dull, numb,
Heavy heart
A wolfish well-heeled warning
on a wintry day.

ElenOfTheWays · 15/05/2018 20:14

Not to my taste but still better than the bazillion "poems" my ex wrote. He thought he was a genius lol.
Bitchy moi? Wink

itsBritneyBeach · 15/05/2018 20:16

I love the first part, it's really good. But the second part isn't great

Talith · 15/05/2018 20:21

I think it's good. A bit too intentionally alliterative perhaps, but I liked it.

I bet it was cathartic to write. For that reason alone it has value.

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