To ask what the heck you do with kids who cry going into school every day?

[TumbleWeedTilly]

What do you do?

My dc has done this consistently since year 1. We're almost at the end of yr 4 now. We've had a few brief spells of going in fine, but they are short lived, maybe a week or two and only once/twice a year.

They are fine once in and settled but frankly it's horrible for both of us. There are no issues in school. Class teachers say they don't notice (despite dc's bright red eyes and very obviously been crying face some mornings ). TA on the door is always lovely and takes dc off me/chivvys in.

Should I be concerned? I am concerned my almost 9 year old has such anxiety about school/separation anxiety. School don't seem worried at all.

I would try to get some help with this now while she is still in primary. Is there any support in school such as Place2Be or similar? I would expect if she was referred to CAMHS she would not meet their high threshold.
One of my daughters was always very stressed going to school didn't cry everyday but was always so nervous and hated being away from me generally. I always had to have jobs that I could start a bit later so I could get her to school as I knew before school childcare would not be an option for her. Secondary school went very wrong for for her and she has now been assessed as having severe anxiety including separation anxiety. She is in Yr 8 but I am homeschooling her felt I had no choice her anxiety was so severe. She only met threshold for CAMHS when she became a school refuser previous referrals had been rejected. I tried to get her help when she was younger over several years but always told I was managing her but I wasn't really she was getting worse.
Hope your situation with your daughter improves

We had a couple of terms of this and it was just horrible.

Family Therapy (specifically Narrative Family Therapy) can be very good in this sort of situation. I doubt you'd meet criteria for NHS funded therapy but maybe you could afford a few private sessions?

I would move schools and get some support for the anxiety.

I have an 8 and 10 year old...IME, regular crying at going into school isn't 'normal' for want of a better word and I would be concerned.

Why do they cry, what reason do they give?

Apparently I did this and My DM just kept me off school, which I wouldn't recommend. I think it the long term it did me more harm than good and I wish she'd never have kept me off. I then knew I could get away with it at school so I never really went to Primary or Secondary.

I'd definitely second the OP's who said get help for anxiety. I finally had some help but it took me until the age of 27 and I've been so much better ever since. I just wish it happened earlier.

You have my sympathy. DD was like this, she had become like a tiny terrified bird. She was 'fine' in school but that was what was expected of her so she conformed, but this was hard for her. We had long discussions with school and in the end, decided to take her out of school. The head of pastoral care was fantastic. She was recorded as 'educated elsewhere' or something similar and we negotiated that she needed to be in on Monday where the weeks work was set up and Friday for art, music and PE. She and I had some lovely days out, museums, gardens where we painted, cycle rides.. she went up to 3 days for a bit and I took her to a child psychologist who helped her see that people had different morals and values and that her points of view were valid even if she had different ideas to her class mates. We did mindfulness and yoga. This yoga routine changed my life... turns her from a grumpy anxious child into one who is calm and content. . Namaste : the light in me sees the light in you reminds her of her inner strength. www.yogajournal.com/lifestyle/good-morning-yoga-poses-jumpstart-kids-day
It really does give you time back in the morning and make things just flow... MAGIC!!

This all happened in the summer term and by the middle of August she announced that she would go back full time.

She is a deep thinker who takes time to learn but when she does she is solid in her learning. It means she is not the first to have her hand up but performs best in tests on existing knowledge. She feels things strongly and we often do a releasing technique a yoga teacher taught me to release feelings when you don't know what they are or where they come from.

It tore me apart to see her cry every day. It still does knowing that she has such a capacity for deep sadness... I think the psychologist thought I needed more help than she did!! Taking her out of school and explaining to friends why was so hard but it really helped as her friends realised they couldn't just push her aside to play with other kids and then expect her to be there. This was without any overt bullying or action being taken... it just got better by shining a light on it.

Good luck!!! (And I know I was very lucky to have understanding staff at school and that I could be with her 3 days a week.)

I would explore the issue further with your child, I thought you were going to say they were in reception.

Surely at 9 yrs old you can have a decent conversation together re what the issue is / how they are feeling? If not, I would seek professional help / therapy.

And happy ending... in year 6 she is confident, bright, happy and knows how awesome she is. She also knows that she has high expectations of others which are often not met and she has to live with and that she has a limited selection of wonderful friends. I would be lying if I said I wasn't dreading high school but am bracing myself. We have a back up school to move her too of things don't work out.

Both of my dc has similar issues to some extent. DC1 never managed playgroup, once at school cried every day for two years, again was fine once in. It stopped and gradually he became very confident and assured. At 8-9 he wasn’t crying but was still very anxious about certain things.

DC2 was super attached to me. Did manage play group and school but couldn’t do sleepovers, school trips or any kind of daycare setting.

Both have become very rounded and confident young adults and didn’t get any kind of intervention. I’m not saying your dc wouldn’t benefit from extra help but wanted to reassure you it can gradually resolve. The fact that your dc is fine once in does point to acute separation anxiety rather than actually disliking school.

We had this with DD from nursery up to year 2. So from ages 3-6.

I do know that the 'gatekeeper' (an older 'retirement age' woman whom I'd known for years as such a lovely person) was incredibly strict behind closed doors. The children were terrified of her. She was old school and very polite to parents. But if you volunteered at the school and saw her in action, she could be a dragon. Some kids were fine, water off a duck's back. For example, DC1 didn't like her at all but the 'gatekeeper' had no effect on his happiness at school.

DC2, our DD who cried every day, is sensitive and feels things more. Her emotions rule her, which is wonderful but this also means that the more painful stuff gets to her in ways they might not get to other kids.
So this 'gatekeeper' was just such a dark cloud for our DD. DD dreaded going to school to the point where she couldn't even articulate what it was that made her so unhappy. She was so sad, so tearful every day. We couldn't see the forest for the trees.
It was incredibly, incredibly stressful, sad, and tedious.
We moved schools eventually because we were leaving the faith school system and wanted to put our DD in another non-faith primary attached to DC1's secondary school for easier transition later.
That was our reason. There wasn't a lot of love lost because the crying every day at the school gates was so trying.Still, we didn't expect it to improve at the new school. We expected it to get worse.

We were wrong.

DD moved in the middle of year 2 and never looked back! The change was unbelievable. She never cried again. I can't help but feel that she was deeply unhappy at her first primary school- a lovely school for so many reasons- just not lovely for DD.

I wonder how happy your DC is at school? Kids are quite good at 'coping' and wearing a mask, leaving others unaware of their unhappiness in the very environment that brings them distress. Although it may be too late to move, I don't know what your thoughts are on that, there maybe something surprsingly very simple that is upsetting your DS, something he may no longer even be able to articulate because the distress has gotten so on top of him, so habitual, that the cycle can't be broken. A change might break the cycle/the habit and remove whatever it is that is causing his distress (a grumpy member of staff who gets to him, a kid in another year who gets to him). We expect our kids to buck up, cope, crack on. But for some kids this is more difficult. Do you have any idea as to what might be causing his tears/anxiety?

My brother was like this till High School. It's funny because he is the most confident and sociable adult. My son who is P3 was consistantly like this until recently but has started to improve (he is 8). Have you askes DC what they are worried about?

Thank you for all the advice. Dc says they don't like leaving me and going in makes them nervous but couldn't explain beyond that, I will try and delve further. They also dislike everyone seeing them crying. which is understandable.

I have an older dc who went into school no problem at primary, they were apparently 'fine' whilst there but have fallen apart in secondary where the anxiety has got too much (they have spd and suspected undiagnosed autism). We have also had school refusal for the first time ever with this dc.

I don't want a repeat of this with my younger dc. I am worried I will be blamed when it is happening with both kids.
School are not bothered about my youngest crying, I am not on great terms with them as I told them I feel they let my oldest down during transition. I am concerned my youngest may also have undiagnosed issues

My little one is in nursery and almost everyday will go out the door and will have just stopped crying. She cries because her socks feel funny and her shoes feel funny. She then gets very emotional saying she will miss me etc but she always has a great day and runs into the classroom excitedly chatting to the teachers. We now do funny cuddles to help calm her after her shoes and socks. If she was to carry on for as long as your child has I’d probably ask to speak to someone about it. Could be anxiety and they may have some coping mechanisms to help.

I'd also be looking for them to talk to a therapist about this - it does sound like anxiety. My DD does this, as did another one of our family who went on to have quite serious anxiety issues in later life. It's more likely to be some genetic factor isn't it between your children than your fault! The school probably have too much to cope with to notice. If they've let your elder DC down, do you have any options for moving them ? either that or augment with other help.

My sob from y1 was awful during the week. He'd cry,refuse to get dressed and got so anxious about going to school.
I had so many hcp telling me that he seemed happy at school and seemed to enjoy it.
I finally said I'm bring him home at lunchtime as a fluk he had a appt during lunch when i pick him up when school finished it was like having a different child.
My stressed out and very angry little boy disappeared and i started seeing glimpses of the little boy i knew before he started school. School fought me on it saying they were worried about his socialising with friends at school. My reply was I'm worried about his mental health. I got sick and tired of being told he needs to just cope. Yes i realise my son needs to learn to cope in the world but at 7 years old what he needs is to know that mummy will fight and do whats necessary to give him the tools and mental wellness that he can function as a healthy well balance adult.
What I realised is he is actually happy in lessons but can not tolerate unstructured play and the noise in the hall when eating.

Just to add I can leave dc at sports camp in the holidays - fine.
Sleepover at grannys - fine
Leave at partys/go to a friends - fine

So possibly not separation anxiety really?

My advice would be to explore and tackle this now. DD has a friend whose school anxiety manifested badly after the transition to Y7 and now barely attends.

Sounds more like school anxiety than separation anxiety to me. Good luck

When my dd had this she didn’t want to go anywhere without me, not even a party. It’s interesting your kid is ok when it’s not school.

With us it resolved after summer break when she moved to a new class, new teacher, and started hanging out with some different friends. Looking back I think it was probably the friends that were the problem but she couldn’t articulate why she felt upset as there was no “overt” bullying. But she was dominated by a very bossy kid.

I was considering a school move at the time, and I think I would have if it hadn’t resolved. Tricky when you have other kids at the same school though.