WIBU to tell boss I think he slightly has it in for me?

[PinotMwah]

Situation is I am in a job in which I am generally quite happy. I've advanced quite quickly and have had good reviews, the odd bump in the road but generally I have every reason to think I have performed well. I have multiple managers and all but one of them give me good feedback, thank me for my work and generally lead me to believe they are satisfied with what I do.

Another of my managers, not so much. He mithers me endlessly about relatively trivial stuff, pulls me up on things all the time and is constantly telling me I should be pulling more of my weight for someone of my seniority.

To be totally truthful, there is some merit to some of what he says. I am very good at some elements of my job and have not been so strong in others. I've worked really hard to improve the areas where I'm not so hot and have made significant progress but he clearly does not think I am up to scratch.

But I do, hand on heart, think he is overly harsh with me and its a question of proportionality: he never misses an opportunity to pull me up on things and constantly takes me outside for long dressing down sessions, never praises me at all for anything I do. Other people within the firm have commented on it. It's got to a point where I avoid doing work for him if I can help it because I'm scared of incurring tickings off for things which just drain me and make me feel I can't do anything to satisfy him. I don't think he dislikes me personally but I think he finds my way of working and general style exasperating and can't bear the fact that he is unable to knock me into his particular shape.

I think he is aware of it and to some extent is trying to deal with it. But its got to the point where its making it difficult for me to work for him and I feel I need to say something.

My typical modus operandi has been to try to take constructive criticism on the chin if I feel its designed to help rather than argue the point, and this has helped me a lot. In this situation, I feel I'm not being true to myself if I don't point out that I think he is sometimes unfair to me. I don't want to simply sit back and take endless bollockings without standing up for myself and I want to let him know that I think his style of working is not helping either of us.

How do I approach this without causing an irreparable rift? I really want to make this work but there's a limit to the amount of relentless criticism I can take without pushing back a bit. I am starting to feel a bit picked on and I want to draw a line in the sand. But I want to do it constructively and in a way which means we will be able to continue working together. Anyone else ever dealt with a situation like this?

I think if you make a point of accepting all criticism in a positive way, there's nothing to stop you saying at the end ".....and nothing good to say at all?" (with a smile).

Or asking on feedback on previous criticism where you've tried to do things differently.

If others think you're doing a good job, do you need to change?

Are you me?!

I joined a union last week after 9 years in the same job but now with a new LM

My boss used to do this type of thing too. To the point he used to pull me up for an extra comma or two in an email. That's all he could come up with. After a while he got bored and now has moved onto his next victim. No advice, just hopefully he gets bored and moves on when he realises hes not affecting you. He too didnt get to change my style of working

I'd probably do one of three things.

One - I'd talk to his boss, with a specific list of things he's doing that make him a bad manager.

Two - I'd make a short list of ways in which he is managing you ineffectively, each with a suggestion for how he could be improved, and possibly each with an example of how your other manages do a better job. Schedule a meeting with him and present it to him. Start the meeting by saying that you're giving him constructive feedback that will help him do his job better. At the end ask for his plans for improving the way he manages you.

Three - I'd wait till I was ready to explode, then lose it at him, hopefully in private. I did this once to a boss when he started criticising me for the millionth time - it actually really did improve things, but I wouldn't recommend it.

Thanks all

Semster he doesn't have a boss -- he and a few others are in charge.

I've already exploded at him once -- this was in the context of a discussion triggered by something else which was going on in my life.

I have to say I don't think I've reacted that well -- I'm a bit of a sulker and if feel that people are picking on me or singling me out for bad treatment I tend just to cut them out which I've sort of done here.

I know I need to get a grip but its making me feel totally paranoid and really angry that he's made me feel like this. I think I can get past this but I do want him at least to acknowledge that he has not been fair to me.

Have you spoken to the other managers? Would you be able to stop doing work for this particular bloke?

I am in a similar situation except mine is with a woman. She is very much a Queen Bee. Whenever I have worked for her she likes what I do, but she doesn’t like me. I have recently stopped working on her project by asking my line manager to reassign it to another colleague, a phased handover. The constant drip of comments from her really damaged me. She is very good at playing to people’s vanities and has a lot of them wrapped around her finger, but because I don’t defer to her she really does not like it. I have always given her respect and professionalism but it is not enough. Even though I no longer work on her project, she is trying to get me back on it, she likes the control. She is always playing to the gallery when I am around - going on leave again, comments like that? So that it looks to other people that I am workshy. I don’t take any more leave than anybody else, she is very rarely in herself. The unfairness of it has really got to me. For a while I sucked up to her in the hopes she would stop the comments but I have had enough and don’t do it anymore. All my other managers, males and female, like and respect me.

You need to recognise your self worth. Take criticism on board if there is merit in it, but you need to stand up for yourself if the comments are unfounded. My bete noire really affected me but now I see her for a vain and pathetic narcissist and I don’t dance to her tune anymore.

What sort of things is he pulling you up for?

I had something similar - but my new boss pretty much ignored me and let me limp by working things out for myself for 6 months, before being heckled to do a one to one by the HR consultant (v small co).

We all worked remotely so agreed to meet in a coffee shop. He changed the venue at the last minute by texting me and directing me to a pub. At 10am. Where he proceeded to drink 4 pints during my one to one. He criticised emails I'd written in my first month, said that my resolving things directly with MY clients showed him that I wasn't a team player, said I'd been doing my time sheet all wrong and that the MD would probably want to fire me. And that I shouldn't have taken the 5 days holiday that I'd had booked since before I joined, and which I told them about when I accepted the job offer. He said to show commitment I should have cancelled it.

I'm pretty stoic but I got quite a wobbly lip after an hour of character assassination. I said stiffly, is there anything good to say at all? He shrugged, downed the last of his 4th pint and said "I suppose the clients like you."

I left. That was 9 months of my life wasted!

Maelstrop I have talked to other managers. They have to be careful for obvious reasons but one of them has acknowledged that she thinks he can be overly harsh with me at times. I don't think they want to make it an issue and hope it will blow over.

TERF hard to go into too much detail without risking outing myself. But basically I was hired as a mid-level person to do fairly big picture, strategic stuff. I'm fairly good at this. He is obsessive about stuff which is kind of adminy, detail-oriented things, often pretty minor things.

I don't want to say that this sort of thing isn't important as it is actually focusing on this been really helpful for me to get better at this area of my work and he's done me a favour in some ways. But it feels like that's the sole criterion for him in assessing what I'm good at he's obsessed with my weakness in this area and never gives me any credit for the big picture stuff which ultimately is what I was hired for. The fact that he doesn't value me at all for the main thing I was hired for has really undermined my self-confidence its as if he is thinking "sod what you're good at you're basically a bad and underperforming admin assistant".

Could you have a meeting with him.and just address it directly?
Make a list of things you are good at so you can present that to him. The other managers are happy, pass on some of their comments.Tell him you are grateful for the feedback and are working to address the issues he has but ask him to lay off continually berating you unless there is actually something inherently wrong.

Maybe I read it wrongly but perhaps he wants to push you to be better as he can see how good you are iyswim?
If you word it well, rather than coming over as sulky for having being told off, it might make him think about how he interacts with you and you end up having a better relationship.

Don’t say or do anything, this could be classed as insubordination as he is senior to you. Instead invest time in yourself, document everything, keep a diary of the incidences and issues. When you have your review present it to him, and ask why he is treating you different to everyone else. Have an open, honest and frank discussion. Explain that if things don’t improve you will be contacting ACAS, but only do this if you believe that you are being treated unfairly. If your work place has a union, I’d recommend joining. Worth every penny, a rep will need all the facts and documentation as evidence so you’ll need that diary and potentially witnesses to how you’re being treated. Some unions won’t help if the problem existed before you became a member, whilst some need you to be a member for a few weeks before they can represent, however once you join you can ask for help and advice to mediate issues.

Also see if your employer has any policies for code of conduct and bullying and harassment in the workplace. If you’re not sure, and there is no union go talk to HR.

And if it gets heated, cut it short and send it in an email.

RadioDorothy that's horrific.

This isn't that anywhere near that bad and I think this guy has genuinely bemused as to why its caused the reaction it has with me. I actually think he's genuinely not a bad person but massively obsessive about the parameters he thinks are important for the job and blinkered about what else is important.

You have said you’re a sulker. So he is a details person, you are a bigger picture ideas type person? Perhaps you can both work better by recognising the other’s worth to the business.
I would not recommend asking if he has it in for you!

But basically I was hired as a mid-level person to do fairly big picture, strategic stuff. I'm fairly good at this. He is obsessive about stuff which is kind of adminy, detail-oriented things, often pretty minor things.

Like spelling and punctuation or sending emails to the wrong person?

It does matter as to how to respond.

I was once in a similar position! I worked in a Firm where all the Partners sang my praises, bar one who like your Manager seemed to constantly on my back, bordering on bullying.

After an episode of my ending up in tears and telling another Partner I was leaving as I couldn't cope anymore he had a word with her.

She admitted she was harsh on me because she saw me as one of the Firms "high flyers" and she only pushed me because she knew what I was capable of...... it turned out that the staff who were genuinely a bit shit (or average) were left alone by her because she deemed it a waste of her time trying to develop them

In a way knowing that helped me cope and to a degree ignore her when she went off on one.....

TERF, no, nothing to do with spelling or punctuation or emails sent to the wrong people: you're jumping to conclusions.

Without wanting to sound big-headed my spelling and punctuation are pretty good (I used to be a professional writer) and I am super careful about emails. I think these things are mega important and am very careful about them.

It's more things to do with the order things are done in and jumping through the appropriate administrative hoops. It's stuff which I acknowledge is important but which doesn't come naturally to me. But for him it seems to be almost 100% of the job.

Could you have an informal meeting with him, just a quick chat over coffee? Just ask outright, say that you’re wondering if there is anything you can do to improve on the areas of your performance he’s shown concern about? Or talk through the reasons for your prioritising things the way you do.
I’ve no idea if this would work in your circs. My background is PA/EA type roles where this would be the best approach to building good relationship with people I’m supporting.

MrsPicklesonSmyth I've tried that. I think there is a genuine desire, on both sides, to meet half way. I just think we're massively different in our styles and approach and priorities and we find it very difficult to empathise with one another. My upbringing and all my professional training to date have always been very big picture and I really struggle with nitty gritty.

I think he genuinely doesn't understand why I can't grasp certain things and it makes him frustrated as he thinks I'm not trying. This in turn makes me upset and resentful as he is short-tempered and never satisfied and it has become a negative spiral.

I don't really know what the solution is. If I only worked for him I could devote significant time to cracking this, but I have to juggle his needs with those of my other line managers, who are more like me in their approach.