to ask how to not feel so overwhelmed all the time?

[SidekickSally]

I know I'm lucky to have a job that I fundamentally love, I have 2 healthy kids at home (they're older now, I don't have the sleepless nights/nappies any more) , a great husband. So I know this is a first world problem.

But I feel everyone wants a piece of me all the time. I work long hours, and when I get home I know I still have to catch up on work emails to make sure tomorrow is not hell (I'm on mumsnet rather than my work laptop but I had to vent). When I get home my husband wants to discuss his day + issues we have with domestic/house stuff that I just haven't got the headspace for. The kids want to discuss their day, I need to run through their day's exams from start to finish, make sure revision is up to date for tomorrow but at the same time ensuring the kids not too stressed. They then want to tell me about the books they're reading, the storyline in detail. I love listening, I really do but I'm also desperate to eat my dinner. I know I have to make their lunches, check in by text on my mum, she's on her own now.

At work it's just non-stop. I only manage 1 person in my team but that person is very needy. My boss is demanding.

It's all just too much.

How does everyone else do it? I'm moaning on here cos I tried to moan to DH but he, understandably so, said he's busy too.

I almost could've written your post. I have one DD aged 6, essentially work part time but will be full time from September. DH works long hours, sometimes involving travel. We both have fairly hefty commutes. I volunteer at school too (PTA and governor), try to keep fit, did a big chunk of gardening today, help DD a lot with school work as she has suspected dyslexia but has been making rapid progress so I want to catch her new-found confidence. DH and I have really busy social lives (which we love) but I sometimes feel I cannot breathe. It's the admin that gets me. There's so much to plan and sort and think about. Today- for the first time in my life- I had to pay a library fine for late return of books. I have lists and calendars and reminders on my phone but I'm starting to forget things and drop balls, probably because I'm exhausted. I love being busy and having a full life but it's the mental load that threatens to overwhelm, isn't it? The actual thinking. And I'm loathe to say 'wife work' but...

So, I hear you but I've no idea what the answer is.

And yes. Whilst I love listening to DD about her day and DH about his, I sometimes just want to shut myself in a room, scream into a pillow and mainline a huge amount of gold cake. And I absolutely definitely didn't squirt squirty cream directly into my mouth earlier...

Good cake. I don't eat gold cake.

I completely understand. 100%. I'm a pastry chef and my day starts at 4:30am, and like today, I often don't get home until 4pm. Then all the household responsibilities start. Meals, cleaning, laundry, kids (mine are older, too, but still they need/want attention and I love to spend time with them). My husband is absolutely wonderful and when he gets home from the office he is my biggest supporter with laundry, dishes, etc, but it is STILL so exhausting. It just NEVER STOPS.

There are lots of things we can't change, like household chores (unless you get a cleaner), but there are some things we can. You say the person you manage at work is very needy... Don't let them be! Demand competence. Many of us put ourselves in the position of picking up other people slack because we feel it's just easier/faster that way. We do ourselves no favors!

As for your husband, talk to him about needing quiet time. I do this with my husband, and he knows it's nothing personal - sometimes I just can't handle conversation! I need a glass of wine and some soft music! No thinking involved.

Now that your kids are older, make sure they are pulling their weight at home. There is NO reason they should not be helping you around the house.

Yup, I could have written your post. I feel like DH finishes work and then he finishes for the day - I get home reeling from the onslaught of shite that is my job and then another job starts. It feels overwhelming because it is. It's just the silly little stuff - some garden furniture has been delivered missing some items and with some items broken, so I have to take photos and construct a coherent email and I just don't have the strength. It sounds ridiculous written down but just ordering the pissing furniture seemed like enough of a challenge.

Wine, cake it all helps!!

Housework goes to pot in the week - the house looks like shit but gets cleaned up at the weekend and everyone chips in, the kids after some persuasion. They do generally pull their weight now but I did have a go at them tonight for clothes on floor (in hallway??) and lunches etc not out of schoolbags yet.

Get a cleaner!

I know how you feel op (well apart from my 6 year olds version of what happened at school today os “I could tell you but I’d have to kill you”! On top of it all I have ptsd so really can’t do pressure. Basically work has had to be cut back - noons will die if it doesn’t get done - I push back on deadlines, I explain I can’t keep dashing everywhere. I give to people now no more than they give me!

I can see why you're overwhelmed. It's an bombardment as soon as you get in the door. And you are, obviously, trying to do too much.
You need to cut things out or push to the weekend.
Do you really need to run through the kids' revision and exams in the evening?? Is this something you can move to the weekend?
As for lunches, can't the kids make their own? Or DH?
Can you send your mum a quick text during lunchtime at work? Just let her know to call you if any problems and that you won't be texting in evenings.
You need to allocate yourself some quiet time after work.

Yes, it is the silly little stuff. Lots of the little things become too much when you have no headspace left.

Just say no. Everyone thinks they have to be busy all the time. Don’t spread yourself so thinly. Your kids shouldn’t need you to check their revision for them. Stop helicoptering them. Make some time for you every day.

I work full time, have a small child and a husband with a high profile. demanding job.

I delegate what I can, keep endless lists split into 'now', 'soon' and 'later' and ignore dust.

The plates just about keep spinning.

Boundaries! You’re letting everyone else drain you. Who supports you?

I drew a picture once of my head and all the things that were filling it. It was interesting to see it all written down and amazing what we can cope with. Things will quieten if you can hang in there (kids going to uni eventually?).

The just say no thing is really important.

What I want to do is create more boundaries at work and have the commute home as my calm down time so that when I get home I can carve out some quality time without feeling as though the stress from the day is still eating at me. If I can get a routine going with the kids so that they know the jobs they should be doing on their own before I get home that will really help.

I do get a fair bit of support. My mum is really good and helps out sometimes. She is is also a good listener but I don't like worrying her. My DH does also pull his weight. He has a stressful job too.

I think if I can just make a few changes it will feel slightly better.

Oh god I could’ve written this too! I do have a cleaner but the other demands are just relentless. With me, it’s mostly work, lack of family support and a not very helpful husband! I’m mentally drained at the moment - the last couple of weeks things have been tough, and tonight I just walked out and went for a walk (so now I’m still on the laptop working and the ironing hasn’t been done, but if I hadn’t gone I’d have screamed)!!!

Same here. It’s the headspace thing for me too. I’ve tried explaining it to my DH but he doesn’t get it. We’re going on a big holiday in the summer (lucky I know), it was his idea but he has done the bare minimum in sorting anything for it, meanwhile here I am trying to take my mind off that and everything else by reading mumsnet at silly o clock in the morning! I carry everything for me, my work, our three children, the house, the cars, in my head. He has him, his work, cleaning out the fish tank and mowing the grass in his! Any new things that come up are “can you sort that?”. My to do list just grows. I know I need to just ask him to help more but he doesn’t tend to react well to that (he is in a more stressful job than me), so I’ve ended up in the ‘do it myself to make sure it’s done’ position. Not sure how to get him to understand the mental load, having spoken to him about it and shown him that cartoon (will try to find the link). I’ve reached the conclusion that unless you are the one carrying the mental load you will never understand it. My mum gets it!

The cartoon for those who haven’t seen it

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

I work in a relatively senior position but my rule of thumb is: if you are needing to catch up on work emails outside of your working hours every night, then your job is not one that can fit into full-time hours and you need to discuss with your manager that something has to give. I have this discussion with my mum all the time as she works 60 hour weeks but is paid for 37 as a senior manager. The expectations are unrealistic. I know it's easier said than done but could your priorities at work be looked at in more detail?

I read a recommendation on here the other day for a book called ‘How to do everything and be happy’ and it’s really resonating. You’re obviously doing too much-cut back wherever you can!

I hear you.

I’m on maternity leave and you can forget all of the lovely relaxing wholesome images of being on maternity leave, with the coffee dates, lunch out, baby classes and hobbies. I want to go back to my stressful and demanding job for a break.

I have a 5 year old who needs everything. There’s school, the ‘homework’, the extra stuff, parent volunteer stuff (I am at home afterall!) the after school/weekend activities, the play dates, the birthday parties, the I need/want now now now. It’s making sure she has clean clothes, she’s drunk enough water (anybody else’s child hell bent on destroying their kidneys?!), mealtimes that take forever, sorting out which uniforms for which and making them available. Keeping her clean.

Then there’s the baby. People ask if she’s ‘good’ and she is, I guess, apart from the feeding all night (last night), the colic, the reflux, the no napping in the day, the endless nappies and she needs washing done too. Sometimes I forget to bath her - must try harder and remember to bath the baby regularly she needs to be kept clean too! Must also remember her appointments, GP, HV.... and I should be socialising her right? Better do the baby groups a few times a week too. One of the leaders at one particular baby group likes to remind everyone with a tinkly laugh that we should remember to do tummy time and read to our babies every day....

The dog, she needs walking, feeding and fussing. Thank goodness she doesn’t need clothes but she’s long haired and moults so the hoover is constantly in use.

And then there’s the fact that I haven’t actually stopped working. In addition to my stressful and demanding job I am on maternity leave from, DH and I own our own business and I can’t just check out of that. There’s still marketing and admin to get involved with, the endless run downs from DH, the problem sharing and solving, the feeding the baby in the middle of the night and thinking of new issues and ideas. The constant worry thy comes with owning your own business and the breadwinner being self employed.
And then:
The washing (DH and I need clean clothes too!)
The cleaning
Mustn’t let DDs sunflowers die
Check in with much younger DSis who’s in a tough situation and worry about her incessantly. Help her out as much as possible. I.e several times a week.
The shopping
The endless cooking
The constant fielding of ‘when are you coming to visit?’ ‘Let’s go for coffee’ ‘let’s meet up’ the general demands on my time from family that never supports and friends that Just. Don’t. Get. It - no, I can’t meet for coffee dates 3 times a week because I’ve got shit to do!!
And my return to work date is looming....

As long as no one gets ill or we get blindsided by an unwanted life event, the plates keep spinning...just....