One helpless mum..

[overwornout]

I am not sure if I should post here but I will anyway because at this moment there is nothing im able to figure out easily.
I am soooo so so tired, mentally, emotionally, physically and all. Im a single mum, separated from dh due to dv. This was 3 years ago. He controlled everything in my life. I wasn't allowed to do anything. Leaving was the best decision I made but im questioning that due to the financial difficulty and stress of raising my DD alone. I work monday to Friday..sometimes pick extra weekend work when dd is away with him(contact) . Since we moved town after our separation , I have struggled to make friends...I dont know how to make friends without trying to give everything and end up getting hurt. This could be as result of growing up in dysfunctional home. Im crying as I type this so please pardon my typos and irrelevant info..i just want to get it all out and cry. I love my job because it works around sch hours but its quite a drive away, my boss is overbearing and isn't willing to allow me a day off or work from home sometimes(which is possible). I work for a financial firm so all I need is access to the online systems. I can not quit because I can not breath with the amount of bills and debts im trying to pay off. I need my dd to keep enjoying her extra activities afer school and I cannot do so without working. ExH doesn't pay CS because the csa have been chasing him for the last 3years and can not find a trace of him on the system..which is a load of bullshit. It is possible but he is evading tax and declaring very little to the sysyem hence the zero results from csa. I have been on the phone numerous times trying to get him to pay some cs just so that I can cope alittle bit financially. But no.
I am depressed now due to loneliness, work load, financial difficulties and lack of family support. I want to quit everything. I dont feel human anymore...im more less like a zombie , wake up, put make up, dress elegantly , drop DD to school and put a fake smile on all day just to get though. Im just exhausted. Really really exhausted. Sometimes I wish I never left him because at least i would be guaranteed some financial security. If you have read this far please dont walk away with a hug. I need someone to tell me how to carry on. I have been to gp and now on waiting list for talking therapy. But well know it takes a century for this kind of help to come though.
I am a loving mum, but all this cloud is making me feel so worn out and losing my bond with my child. I love her more than anything in this world but i am not able to carry on anymore like this.

Fristly, a hug. Words will follow.

Suggestions:

Finances - debt - can you speak with one of the debt management charities, see if your payments can be reduced so you have some monthly breathing space? If you can't or don't want that route, what about a spreadsheet to track all ins and outs. There are people on the money board in MN who might be able to help.

Time - this depends on how old your daughter is.

Boss - hold onto the knowledge that this isn't forever. When you've got your head around the points above then you can start to think about finding a new job.

Friends - not always so easy to make or to keep. Life gets in the way. I've made good friends through sites such as this one. Other ways have been regular trips out to the park etc, where you just get to know people.

Others will be along with wiser words than me. Just didn't want you to feel on your own.

Here is a big virtual hug from me . You are not alone and they say it gets easier . I hope so because I am in the same boat .

Cry your eyes out then take a deep breath.
This will not go on forever, there will be better moments.
Hold on to the thought of your daughter and keep fighting. Every morning you wake up and get out if bed is a huge achievement. It is exhausting to keep fighting but you have the strength i promise you.
Make sure you are taking vitamins, mind numbing exhaustion can be helped by taking high strength Vit B and Vit D. Also sleep, watch a crap movie with dc, snuggle onsofa and just doze off...it can help.
Work on getting through each 5 mins and give yourself an internal cheer each time you do, it is about just holding on, even by the thinnest thread.

(I suffer severely and consider suicide every day, these are the things that help me get through some of the worst times. At the moment I am in a good place but I have been stood many times on the edge of the abyss. The strength you show by keeping on going is incredible and you need to recognise that.)

PS many, many hugs

Thank you MrsMozart and trustnoone2018.
I have been browsing the web on debt management. It does sound ironic for me to work in financial firm and have financial difficulties. A doctor falling sick and can barely find the diagnosis. This is just how down i am. Working and functioning like a zombie outside home but neglecting every aspect of my personal life. Re friends, its a learning curve..i hope i will make friends without worrying of being hurt. @trustnoone2018 I really do hope it will get easier. Im on the edge. even if i find a new job...i need to go jobless for a month and put my feet up but the fear is huge. Hope it is going well for you now.

sabella1978

I have just cried more reading your reply. (((((Hugs))))) It is overwhelming and no one understands. My DD is 6yrs old but i still feel like she is 3yrs. Needs a lot of attention and tlc. There is a lot we can do together as you have suggested...Friday nights eg we do a movie and take away of her choice...sat we go for mini drives around different villages but i woud still find her chatting away and im not mentally present with her. I feel so lost on the inside and as if im neglecting her a huge deal. Before i used to get realy mad at anyone staying in an abusive relationship but now im thing otherwise. The strength to move on and cope is beyond me. One day my DD found me on the floor in m y room crying( i always hide in a separate room to cry) and she said "mummy i love you, please stop crying" I felt so hurt that she saw the pain in me. It is not easy.

This is just me.. I suffer severely and consider suicide every day, these are the things that help me get through some of the worst times. At the moment I am in a good place but I have been stood many times on the edge of the abyss. The strength you show by keeping on going is incredible and you need to recognise that.)

I hope you are a lot better now. We have to keep on going because our kids need us. I grew up without a mother and i can not imagine my DD going through that horror. Keep your head up ((((hugs))))

You will be back mentally with your daughter and she will not suffer from you being like this.
My son (now 10) has never known the depths of how I have felt at times but he has known that mummy has been sad at times and this is ok as it is nothing to do with him (as in he didn't cause it, I have just said mummy's brain is wired a bit differently.)
I have also been in a wheelchair for the past three years and I know this has meant my son has missed out on so much. But, whilst I can never get that back, I know that while I am in a good place I can enjoy time with him now.
What I am trying to say is your mind can only cope with so much and it almost prioritises for you. Try not to add to your worries by feeling that you are losing your bond, nothing will make you lose that. Maybe accept at the moment this a blip that will be over at some point and your absolute focus will be back on your daughter.
Kids are so bloody resilient, I see this in my son everyday. You both will come back from this and it will make you stronger as a mum and daughter.

If you are struggling financially I'd agree the debt management. I'd also say look at your outgoings. Is a Friday night cinema trip really necessary for you and your daughter's happiness? Would home made popcorn and watching a movie on the sofa under a blanket be more fun some weeks? Are there other things that you struggle to find the money for thinking your DD will miss out on if you can't? Are those things REALLY necessary for happiness or is there a money saving alternative that would help your finances and maybe give her a bit more of your "present" time. My daughter is 7 and loves nothing better than if mummy will go to bed early with her in the big bed and we "have a nice chat" as she puts it and read books and giggle. My DH is sent to the spare room for that night of the week. I find Friday night mummy bed night forces me to put down the worries about work and so forth and go back to being a little girl myself. I also get an early night!

Cheap activities that DD loves on the weekend that also require me to be "present" are going to the park and then an ice-cream, a picnic in a local nature park or the beach, swimming (there are often offers that mean we can go cheaply), a disposable BBQ in the back garden....

If nothing else just make sure you hug her and breathe in the smell of her hair a few times per day. I find that very grounding!!!

Don't beat yourself up about this. You've been through a lot. The shadows will lift after a while and life will sparkle for you again.

Start looking for a new job , one that can offer working from home. I warn you it can take ages , but the right job is out there. I was/ am in your position and it took ages to get the right job but now I'm much happier. Don't give up , keep looking.

Like emmageddon just said , you'll get your sparkle back . If you had asked me in January I would have said things will never get better but slowly slowly they do. And wow op you sound like a wonderful mum

Thank you all so much for your kind words and suggestions on how i can manage. For sure i have to do a budget and visit the CAB for some debt advise.

One thing for sure i have learnt is, the society and everyone will urge you(mum/dad) to leave an abusive relationship an dnot to look back, but no one has a book on how to cope and heal from the trauma. My greatest problem has been focused on trying to prove that i am "somebody" again but really i have been drowning in a pool of 'do it all' . I cried so much yesterday after posting on here and woke up this morning, called in sick because no amount of makeup would have covered my worn out eyes. I have spent the day on the couch, updating my resume and applied for some new jobs near home.
Not in a million years did i think being a single parent would have been this tough. But i believe it will all get better.
Really appreciate your responses, i feel much better today.

You're doing bloody well lass.

It's going to be a case of taking little steps, where possible, and figuring out as you go.