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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with mil over how she is with her gc?

15 replies

StopWhisperingStopShouting · 14/05/2018 19:45

We don’t live close by but we do visit every few months. I have 2 primary aged dc.

Sil (mil dd) lives close by and has a toddler. Mil looks after toddler 3 days a week and sees them every weekend.

Naturally she is closer to toddler gc than my dc but she’s doing things that she probably doesn’t realise, but are upsetting me.

Like every time I mention something my dc have done, which I think she might like to hear, she 95% guarantee replies with a reference to other gc.

She’s always fussing around that dc and mothering him, which I’m glad she doesn’t do it to mine, but it’s weird to watch as she doesn’t fuss around mine. It’s like he has 2 mums. Sil doesn’t seem bothered that mil often totally undermines her in her parenting.

Also the other day we did an activity and mil stayed with toddler and sil the whole time, then he got upset so they went back tonthe start (sil is more than capable of going back on her own), leaving me and my dc to do the activity. This upset me as it’s like she wasn’t bothered to see my dc do the activity. She hadn’t seen them for a month whereas she sees other gc all the time!

She just sticks to this other gc like glue!

Aibu to be upset by this?

OP posts:
georgeisadinosaur · 14/05/2018 19:51

I can actually see this on both sides, my MIL is extremely similar to yours (I actually could have written your post!), she looks after SILs DD a few days a week and they do lots together. We all live fairly close together but we don't see a lot of her and when we do she brings up her GD all of the time, my DD will say look grandma I got these new books and she will reply oh yes GD has those too I read them to her for bedtime! Hmm bugs me no end.

However myself and my DM are really close and she lives on the same street as DCs school so we pop in a lot and my DC adore her, my sister also has DC but moved away so we see her more on special occasions and trips up/down. When we all get together it can be a bit uncomfortable that my DCs have a different relationship to their GM that her DCs have. Sad

Hadalifeonce · 14/05/2018 19:54

No you ANBU. But I don't think this situation will change anytime soon. Is there any chance you can visit without SIL or her DC being there? We actually asked my PIL not to ler DSIL know when we were coming as it really used to drive me mad that they hijacked every visit to PIL. Luckily my PIL understood, and will only let them know we are visiting if we tell them they can. We live a long way away and only visit 3 or 4 times a year, SIL is on their doorstep and PIL have a good relationship with other DGC, we sometimes want our DC to have quality time with their GP.

Original poster
StopWhisperingStopShouting · 14/05/2018 20:08

Thanks, I’m glad I’m not feeling totally unreasonable!

My oldest dc even asked mil if they could come stay at ours just the 2 of them (mil & pil), I think he’s feeling the same way. The whole time toddler gc was there over the past few days my eldest just hid in a spare room with his tablet.

I understand that toddler gc is at a difficult, needs lot of attention stage (I’m so so glad to be out of that stage) but I also know that sil is more than capable of looking after her own dc without mil interferring.

It’s a wierd feeling as I am so so glad mil doesn’t interfere with my parenting, but I’m kind of jealous at how much attention she gives toddler gc

OP posts:
Original poster
StopWhisperingStopShouting · 14/05/2018 21:22

I wonder if I should say something

OP posts:
Usernameunknown2 · 14/05/2018 21:43

Does your OH see it too? Does he not say anything?

As someone who was the 'mid favoured with siblings above and below (and cousins too), it's shitty when no one stands up for you and your siblings and you feel you are second best.

Talk to your OH about it, they may want to say something or may need their eyed opening.

Original poster
StopWhisperingStopShouting · 15/05/2018 18:33

He does see it and is just glad that his dm isn’t fussing over our dc. He likes that they’re not getting the attention as he generally finds his dps hard work

OP posts:
Barbie222 · 15/05/2018 18:41

I'd count your blessings, she sounds a bit overbearing. I think this is always going to be a thing between daughters and daughters in law. Don't invest.

Original poster
StopWhisperingStopShouting · 15/05/2018 18:52

Yeah barbie I don’t even know why I’m so bothered!
Is it normal for gp to have a closer relationship with their dd’s children rather than their ds’s?

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 15/05/2018 19:03

Generally yes to your last question.

Also because of all the MIL bashing they are more likely to not interfere with DIL parenting but will do with DD. As she cares for the dn 3 times a week she is used to taking on the parenting role.

My sister lives near my mum and my mum does the same when I tell her my DC news or achievements. Tells me about my sisters kids. I have long since accepted that as she is more a part of their life she feels like she is telling her news.

thethoughtfox · 15/05/2018 19:10

If SIL is MIL daughter, it all makes sense. She is being a mother in this role as well as as a grandmother.

Usernameunknown2 · 15/05/2018 21:21

It sounds like your husband may happily spend less time with them...

CPtart · 15/05/2018 21:42

PIL are like this with SIL and her DC. They even said of my nephews, "oh ours do that".... ours!? The favouritism extends to more monies spent on gifts, baking their baking cakes etc etc. They think I haven't noticed over the years but I have. Now the boys are teens the grandparents are more of an irritation as they've never learnt to back off and still trying to be involved in every parenting aspect of their lives. They're also becoming increasingly frail and as SIL and her DC have "reaped the benefits" of living next door over the years, I'm glad we're not beholden to them.

Original poster
StopWhisperingStopShouting · 15/05/2018 21:45

I think she isnthethought potentially without realising it. It’s teally annoying though as she rarely sees my dc and it’d be nice if she paid them some attention, sat next to them at the dinner table, pushed them on the swing etc. But she always defaults to toddler gc.

We can’t really see them without sil as they live so close that sil wants to see us too when we visit.

user my dp rarely saw his parents pre our dc being born. Now we see them every couple of months or so and he finds this too much. He just has nothing in common with them and finds his dm overbearing and his dd miserable (both of which are true!)

OP posts:
littlegecko · 15/05/2018 21:53

Is it normal for gp to have a closer relationship with their dd’s children rather than their ds’s?

I would say that it probably is, in the same way that the DS's children will probably have a better relationship with their Mum's parents.

That is a generalisation though and obviously there are exceptions. Logistics, childcare arrangements, age of children etc all play a part too. It's not great if you feel that your children are being less favoured, but I think it's very common.

Starlighter · 15/05/2018 21:56

This would grate on me too! My mil plays favourites, but she’s better now the kids are a couple of years older.

Why not try sitting down with mil, either you or your DH, and explaining that your dc would like some one-on-one time with her? Doesn’t have to be confrontational, just nicely say your dc would love to spend special time with just her, at least one day of your visit?

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