To be angry with DP for not standing up for us

[Indigoxo]

I've been with DP for a little over three years, his family point blank refuse to get to know me and don't bother with our DD. What hurts me is how they love his older children but act as though DD doesn't exist. I've had this from day one, his mother barely said two words when she met me and i felt really uncomfortable. He said she has always been that way.

He has children from a previous relationship who his family do bother with, his family is close with his XP and his still siblings refer to her as their sister in law despite DP and his ex being separated for just over five years. They were never married.

His mother thinks he should have stayed with her and doesn't approve of me because of my age and god knows what else as she's never taken the time to get to know me, i'm 26 and he is 34. We don't have any issues with the age gap at all nor do my family who have all accepted him.

I've been perfectly civil with his XP only to find she's taking shots behind my back to his family, again about my age etc, saying she doesn't want me and DP playing happy families with 'HER' kids, but i can't prove she's the one stirring the pot so i'm going to go ahead and take a punt with the fact they just don't like me.

He is LC with his siblings and his mother and always has been since i met him, all said and done they aren't a particularly close family but the rejection they show my DD stings and i feel sad for how she will feel about it in the future, especially when they aren't that way with his other DC.

I love DP dearly and want a future with him but i feel so angry that he isn't saying anything to them about how DD is being treat.

Aibu to feel resentful?

Your DH needs to grow a pair and stick up for your DD. His family at the very least should treat all half siblings the same.

you have just described my life! sorry no advice, but you have my sympathies. My husband now has no contact with his mother, but it's a sad situation as we have a newborn son she has no interest in even meeting.

We argue about it a lot, and i hate that because the last thing i want is a wedge between us while this is supposed to be a happy time. His excuse is he can't be bothered with drama and DD isn't missing out on anything as his DM is no better a grandparent than she was a mum.

It still hurts though, i don't know how somebody can show favouritism and reject such a lovely little baby

Being low contact sounds like that is his way of dealing with them. Of course it would be nice if they had contact with your DD, but maybe it's a good thing they don't if they aren't fair, reasonable people.

His XP isn't the issue.

He's wise to be LC and it sounds best to keep your DD away as much as possible. I doubt it would make the slightest difference for your dp to speak to them so YABU to feel resentful of him. Just love and support each other and don't waste time on people who have already set their hearts against you.

I don't resent him per say, more so the fact he seems to blase about the whole thing. If the shoe was on the other foot i would be disgusted if my family treat DD that way, he doesn't seem bothered at all

I guess remaining LC could well be his way of dealing with it, but then he was LC with them even before she was born

I doubt if he's blase even it that's how it comes across, more likely deliberately detached which he has probably learned to do over many years.

His point to you is an important one - his dm is was a crap mother and will be a crap grandmother so there's no point being disgusted about her/their behaviour.

Just be relieved that she's not more involved in your life - many posters have the opposite problem that their MIL is a nightmare but their partner doesn't want to hear it.

but if you join your DH with the LC, then it can't impact on you too much,can it? Their loss.

Enjoy your lovely DD and you life together.

He can't make his mother treat your DD how you want her to be treated. If he was seeing her all the time, inviting her to your house and letting her be rude to you. then you may have an argument for hi not sticking up for you Lc is very probably the best way, then your daughter won't be so upset by their behaviour.

But he can't force his family to be different
I agree with pp go LC or NC and build a life without them. Crappy GP are worse than none

Keep it that way! Like he said she's been a bad mum. My dh was like that. 10 years ago our first baby was born and suddenly they were interfering. Often times he fell out with them. I told him he only has one mum to work on it. I pushed him a bit. She had been making horrid remarks to me for 10 years everytime I saw her. I brought her off on days out, which her own children wouldn't do. I invited them for Christmas dinner cause I felt sorry for them cause nobody would have them.
I've been nothing but nice but was never good enough.
I'm just not tge type to cook and clean all day. I work part time and like to enjoy my children.
So this year things came to a head. It all came out in an argument with dh. She absolutely can't stand me. I'm a horrible mother, person and wife aparently. Just not good enough for her son.
He's dropped her then and there and we're now no contact. My life is so much better now. No more drama. It's lovely. The kids rarely ask about them. Only ever say how they used to always make them feel bad about themselves.
It's bliss. 😊 we still live close to them but not for much longer and I can't wait.
Learn from my mistake. Don't go there.
If your daughter feels she gets treated differently don't bring her over anymore.
Don't make the same mistake I made.

He knows what would happen if he did try to raise the issue: stress and upset and harassment or silent treatment. Lc does seem like his response which is most sensible. Only nc would be better.

Why don't you go 2nd with dd?

NC sorry

I suspect that’s his coping mechanism as it must hurt him too but possibly he’s frightened about will be said by them if he does confront them?
Although I understand your feelings I can’t see what good will be done by confronting them; it won’t change their attitude.
It sounds like you and your DD are better off without them in your lives and they’re doing quite well at making an issue between you and your DP which is what they want.
At the end of the day they’re his family and he might be frightened that if he confronts them they will cut contact and if you two ever split up it would put him on his own.
I can’t imagine he had an easy childhood if they can act like that.

They don't sound very nice at all.
I can see why you are disappointed but do you really want your child exposed to them? Maybe try giving them less of the space in your head, concentrate on enjoying your little family unit. It might help to bury that resentment.

Low contact is the way to go. My father and his DP (of 20 years) came to visit when I was pg with DS. Lovely weekend, and she made me a beautiful patchwork quilt for the cot. And DS, now nearly 19, has never met his grandpa! Make of it what you will; I call maybe twice a year, birthday and Christmas, we exchange cards for birthdays. It's not hostile, just low contact.

I think the lc is his answer, and he knows confronting won’t help anything. If your dc don’t see the gp there won’t be the option for them to compare notes on how they are treated and sounds like the way to go.

His excuse is he can't be bothered with drama and DD isn't missing out on anything as his DM is no better a grandparent than she was a mum.

Then you are going to have to except this. He is LC with them before you were on the scene so this is his way of dealing with people who he knows he cant change NOT that he isnt 'sticking up for you'

I don't know why you're annoyed with him, really. If he was seeing them all the time, OK, but he's LC with them, and it sounds like he has no relationship with his mother. Why would you want someone that poisonous in your child's life? You'd be trying to get rid of her if she was around giving little barbs about you.

I don’t quite understand why you want a close relationship with people who are clearly not very nice. I would listen to what your DP says about his mother being someone not worth knowing, and stop wasting energy on them.

Your DD has loving parents and your family love her. Forget his family they’re not worth it. It sounds like you are jealous of his first family. Forget it and didn’t waste your time with it.

I suppose i'm just feeling bitter on behalf of DD, if i'm honest with myself there is nothing he could do to remedy the situation and it is what it is

People are right, we are better off not involved with them

My brother left his wife and children for a younger woman. His ex and children were devastated. It felt disloyal to them, who were loved by us all, to welcome his new partner into the family. I think that explains their attitude.

My brother and his new partner didn't have any children of their own, but I imagine that if they had, we would have been very worried about how his older children would cope with that, especially as he had left them, but would be living with his new child/children. I hope we would have been able to manage a relationship with both families, but can imagine being protective of the older children and maybe not getting the balance right.

I think they are handling the whole situation badly, but fathers having second families with younger partners is messy and sometimes painful for the first family, and people are flawed and make mistakes.

You're experiencing the rush of rage when someone is even vaguely unkind to your kid. Wait until school!

Just love your happy life with your beautiful baby and feel sad those people are missing out. And forgive DP, he's had them as his family the poor bugger.

@HeddaGarbled thank you for that insight, that makes a lot of sense. DP didn't leave his previous partner for me, though i can sort of understand why they'd feel that way now it has been pointed out.

People do handle things badly sometimes that's true