Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To not want him to be dd's tutor

26 replies

upsideup · 14/05/2018 18:27

DD1 is starting senior school in september and I have just found out a guy I used to date works at the school and is a year 7 tutor, awful realtionship and an awful guy though this was 13 years ago so who knows what hes like now but regardless I dont really want him around my daughter for so much time everyday. Also if theres any problem with dd I am not exactly going to feel comfortable going in to speak to him to sort it out.

He teaches a subject at the school that from what I've heard he only teaches older year groups and teaches a low set which dd probably wouldnt be in but I dont know what I could do if she ends up getting taught by him then as well.

AIBU to phone the school and ask that dd not be put in that tutor group or is that really over the top and unnecessary?

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 14/05/2018 18:35

I wouldn't raise it unless she's likely to be doing that subject. If it was a subject he could be teaching earlier, then I personally would speak to the HT.

TeenTimesTwo · 14/05/2018 18:36

What set and year groups he teaches will vary from year to year.

If he is currently a y7 tutor, won't he just move up the school with his tutor group? That's how our school does it.

If he does teach your DD just pretend you don't know him.

Fruitcorner123 · 14/05/2018 18:38

I would speak to them now not wait because they will be deciding the form tutors now (if they haven't already) you are not being unreasonable. It's perfectly possible that he knows who your daughter is and has already requested not to have her in his form. It doesnt sound appropriate to have an ex as a pastoral tutor to your child especially as it was a negative relationship. I am sure the school will sort it for you.

Heratnumber7 · 14/05/2018 18:39

You're going to come across people you knew in past life for the rest of your life. Some you will be pleased to see, some you won't.
You need to trust this teacher to behave professionally, and you should do the same if and when you meet him.

Eatalot · 14/05/2018 18:46

His career that he has worked hard to get has nothing to do with his past relationship with you. I cant see you coming across at all favourably if you go to the school with this. You need to act like an adult and judge him on hos ability to teach.

Pengggwn · 14/05/2018 18:48

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to tell the school Head in confidence that you had a personal relationship with this man that didn't end well and that it is your preference that she is allocated to a different tutor group. But I don't think you should share the gory details - that is unreasonable given this is his career and that was his personal life. If you object that much to him teaching her or being her tutor because of serious issues between you, put her in a different school.

SnowGoArea · 14/05/2018 18:50

Not sure I agree Herat, although I would say that you are correct for the majority of circumstances.

This isn't an old colleague that you didn't get on with, or family member of someone you had a bad relationship with. You actually had a nasty relationship with the chap and that is really intimate and personal. Who knows what's his take on it would be? It certainly has the potential to impact negatively on his ability to be an impartial tutor to your daughter, especially if you ever needed to interact with him regarding any issues at school that she may have.

I'd explain to the school. Be clear that you are not accusing him of anything or trying to get him in trouble, but that you shared an intimate relationship with this man that was unpleasant and ended accrimoniously, and it would therefore be highly inappropriate for him to be a tutor for your daughter. Could they please ensure she is placed in a different tutor group, and thanks for their understanding in the matter.

BrownTurkey · 14/05/2018 18:52

Choose your wording about him carefully though.

seven201 · 14/05/2018 18:53

I'd ring the admissions person and ask for her not be in his form. I'm a teacher.

Anasnake · 14/05/2018 18:56

I doubt the school will be interested in your past relationship as he's not dd's father and has no connection to her.

mrsdolittle · 14/05/2018 18:59

I would absolutely contact the school and ask that she isn't in his tutor group. I wouldn't even give them the full details - just say you used to know him personally and you feel it would be inappropriate. I am pretty sure the school will respect your wishes (well they should anyway).

BellyBean · 14/05/2018 19:02

I'm sure they won't mind you stating a preference for not having him as tutor. Just mention you had a difficult relationship and leave it at that though.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2018 19:02

I would definitely contact the school. Is it him teaching your dd you are objecting to? Or having to interact with him yourself?

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 14/05/2018 19:05

Will he still remember you, it was 13 years ago! Like others I would assume he will move up the school with his current tutor group and if he ends up teaching your daughter it is likely that he will remain professional about it. If he doesn't this is the point at which you discuss the issue with the school, until then there really isn't anything to discuss.

Anasnake · 14/05/2018 19:06

Even if she's in a different tutor group there's no guarantee she won't have him as a teacher at some point.

Dixiechickonhols · 14/05/2018 19:06

Yes I’d preempt and ask for dc to be allocated to a different tutor. It would’ve awkward for both you and teacher and like you say not in dcs best interest if any issues. At dd’s School form tutor stays with them for 5 years. We only found out tutor on intro night in June and they were taken straight to class to get to know their form you dont want to have to raise it after the allocation and have her moved.

Luisa27 · 14/05/2018 19:08

Exactly what @Fruitcorner123 said...and yes, do it now as they’ll be allocating tutor groups

Acopyofacopy · 14/05/2018 19:09

Contact the school, explain that he is an ex boyfriend and it would be awkward to have him as dd’s form tutor. No need to go into detail.

BubblesBuddy · 14/05/2018 19:10

No-one knows if he is teaching the DD. It’s all hypothetical. Does your DD have your name? Is it a common name? If she has her Dad’s name, this is really stirring up trouble for him. Obviously forgive and forget isn’t in your vocabulary. He’s not been in prison presumably. It will set hares running at the school and you must know this.

I would leave it. It’s many years ago and you both should have moved on. However awful he was, he’s teaching now and not on the sex offenders register. Should he be? Is that what you are suggesting? The school might start to wonder? Is that fair?

myfriendbob · 14/05/2018 19:10

You seriously can't call your kids school and ask them to allocate classes based on who you used to sleep with!

MaisyPops · 14/05/2018 19:12

I've had colleagues privately request not to teach children of ex partners for this reason.

There's a world of difference between 'due to a delicate personal circumstance, please could Mr blogs not teach Sammy' and 'I don't want Sammy to be taught by Mr Blogs'.
Every school I've worked in has been very accomodating of such delicate situations. They may get the teacher for cover or for a subject if there's no option but schools generally try to make it work for everyone's benefit.

Give them a call.

Original poster

upsideup · 14/05/2018 19:12

Thanks, I have no interest in getting him into any trouble so wouldnt go into any detail.

OP posts:

Fruitcorner123 · 14/05/2018 19:15

BubblesBuddy she only has to ask not to have him as her DD's form tutor She can say she feels it would be innapropriate because of a historical relationship. She is not accusing him of anything and she can speak in confidence. It won't be plastered all over the staff room walls, everyone has past relationships.

MaisyPops · 14/05/2018 19:17

upside
You're more than reasonable.

tinytemper66 · 14/05/2018 19:32

There may be an odd occasion where he will have your daughter in his class, for general cover etc.
I think,that if you are diplomatic about the circumstances, you will be doing the right thing as long as you realise things could change and he may end up teaching your child at some point in the next 5-7 years.

Flip

1 2