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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex H and DD Bday

16 replies

staceyflack · 14/05/2018 17:16

My DD is 13 next month.. her dad left me unexpectedly, 5 years ago. We had only been married a year, and our two girls were 5 & 7 at the time. We lost our 3rd through early miscarriage a few months after the wedding. As far as i knew we were 'trying again' , when he told me he didnt love me anymore and wanted to end our relationship. Fair to say - i was devastated. He was awful after he left - completely shut me out - total desertion - and no money. Left me with huge debts. .Lately doing much better, divorced etc. We both have other partners and are looking to the future. He has a good relationship with our children. BUT... my daughter wants us all to go out for dinner together... for her birthday. How do i get through it?? I'm not sure i can sit at a table with him and his GF. He left me in such a mess and has never said sorry. What can i do to cope for my soon to be teenager? It means a lot to her. Thanks.

OP posts:

dancinfeet · 14/05/2018 21:57

perhaps a lot of people on MN would tell you to do it for the sake of your daughter. I am not going to say that, as I would not be able to do it myself with my Ex H.
He was abusive during our marriage, and although he is an ok dad (not terrible, but certainly not in the running for Dad Of The Year) I will not forgive him for how he treated me during our time together. I would not sit at the same table and eat with him, not for anyone.
In your situation (or if it was one of my own daughters asking) I would give them the choice - celebrate twice on two separate days, once with Dad and his family and once with myself.
Nothing would make me lower myself to sit at the same table as the man who stole from my mothers house days after she died, and who raped me on the day of her funeral because I wasn't in the mood. Some things just cannot be forgiven.
Talk to your daughter if you really feel that you can't do it, she needs to consider your feelings as well as you considering hers.

missymayhemsmum · 14/05/2018 22:30

At 13 she is old enough to understand that you actually don't like her father because of what happened, and don't want to spend an evening with him. So she can have 2 celebrations.

Original poster

staceyflack · 14/05/2018 22:52

Thank you ladies. So sorry to hear of your awful experiences dancinfeet

OP posts:

Fruitcorner123 · 14/05/2018 22:59

assuming he wasnt abusive and his new wife wasnt the OW I would do it for her. I speak as someone with divorced parents. This would have meant a lot to me at 13.

Alienspaceship · 14/05/2018 23:01

At 13 she is old enough to know a basic version of the events, particularly the implications of leaving you with big debts.

Lostin3dspace · 14/05/2018 23:04

It might mean a lot to her, but it would be a fantastical fake. What is the point?
I wouldn't do it either,

Treaclespongeandcustard · 14/05/2018 23:08

I wouldn't do it op. As a child of divorce i also wholeheartedly wouldn't have expected my mum to do that either. You need to have a gentle chat with your daughter.

junebirthdaygirl · 14/05/2018 23:12

You will have occasions in the future for this eg her graduation / wedding etc so maybe no harm to get it over with. My dd has a friend and on their graduation day her friend was in bits as her parents would be in the same room and they hated each other. I know l don't know their full circumstances but all l could think of was do it for your daughter and make an effort to be civil.
It doesn't condone what he did. He is the brat that behaved despicably and he has to live with being that person.
If you can at all do it for your dd. I presume your partner will be by your side.

Tisgrand · 14/05/2018 23:18

She's old enough to be told no, no way that's ever going to happen. If you give in, will she want the same next year, and the year after? Maybe a cosy blended Xmas dinner all together? Just explain that he fell out of love with you (not his children) and that he left you in quite a bad way financially which you have had to sort out; consequently, you don't feel quite friendly enough to share a dinner table with him.

Tilly098 · 14/05/2018 23:20

Eech I think it's a really tough one. As the child of acrimoniously divorced parents, it wasn't until my wedding day that I had to face the reality of their relationship history being separate to them as my parents. Maybe good for your children to learn now what your limits are with your ex? She doesn't need to know details and doesn't need to feel responsible.

BlueBug45 · 14/05/2018 23:22

Just be wary of when you tell her "No" she will think she can't invite both of you to events like her university graduation or her wedding in the future. So make it clear that it is now it really hurts you but won't be forever.

I was lucky as older relations made it clear to both my parents had to behave at such events, but I had plenty of friends' who worried endlessly about graduations and weddings due to their parents hating each other.

SunshineAfterRain · 14/05/2018 23:24

That's is not something I would do for my dd.
Ex treated me very baby when pregnant and I became strong enough to leave him eventually.
I have never told out dd the ins and outs but she understand she has 2 families. Neither family is more important than the other. Both families love her to peices. But they are very separate families.

VimFuego101 · 14/05/2018 23:26

I would say no, but reassure her it wouldn't be an issue for a more public event like her wedding or graduation. At 13 she should be able to understand that it would be difficult for you to go for a meal with him.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 14/05/2018 23:29

Is there any possibility that you could expand the invites out so extended family/ gaggle of her friends so that you can just occasionally glare at hime from the other end of the table but don't need to interact?

YoucancallmeVal · 14/05/2018 23:36

You have clearly been amazing thus far that she doesn't know how awful it would be - my dd is the same age and would never think it would when be a possibility because we get on so badly! I would just say that you know she'd like it to happen, but you'd rather she go with daddy and you do something different. Two birthday celebrations!!!

Original poster

staceyflack · 15/05/2018 21:41

Thank you youcancallmeval

OP posts:

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