To be jealous- mil/bil

[catattack123]

Hello,
My mil stays at home, all her kids are grown up so she just has two dogs to look after. My bil has a 5 year old ds and I have a 2 year old ds. Bil/sil and dn live in Wales, we live near London. When talking about me finding a job, mil has always said she would not be an option for childcare whatsoever- fair enough. However I have no family nearby so my dp and I decided that I will stay at home and he will work to support us, as he earns a high wage so we are not entitled to any tax credits/benefits etc so nursery fees would take almost all of the wage I would be making. My ds turns 3 next month and will be entitled to the free nursery hours which is what we've been waiting for, however I am now pregnant so will continue to stay at home.
Now mil has been trying to convince bil/sil to move back locally since dn was born, and has always said among other reasons that they would get free childcare from her. I always shrugged it off as just her saying whatever she can to attempt to convince them. They have now decided to move back and mil has been making changes to her schedule- volunteering she does etc, to look after dn before school/after school until 7pm and every other weekend! I am upset over this as I feel I could have gone to work when my ds was younger to earn more money for us, and to make some friends so I wasn't always so isolated, if she had been willing to help us in the way she is helping them. I would have worked part time so she wasn't having him every day but she wouldn't hear it. Dp thinks I should just let it go and that she just wants them to come back so is doing everything she can, and I know she misses dn terribly. Aibu for being jealous that she never wanted my ds but will have dn?

So I take it your MIL lives near you? Does seem a bit mean.

Be grateful she won't be trying to parent your ds is what I say!! She has no place in your every day life and that's bloody marvelous I would have thought?!
And you can be proud in knowing you raised your own dc.
Let it go.

April, what an odd post. Everything you wrote is so weird

It's different taking a 5yo after school than a 2yo all day. Much less work.

My mil wasn't in for having them until school age because she's not particularly keen on the small child stage. Didn't mean she didn't love them, just wasn't confident of being solely in charge.

Well I hope she doesn't change her mind once they up and move nearer to her.

And she will change her mind - from being a lady of leisure who volunteers and walks her dogs to being full time (I assume?) childminder. Hell I wouldn't want to.

Sit back and watch the chaos whilst knowing you weren't involved.

@Witchend I understand that completely. However she's been saying this since dn was born- it's just that they've only just decided to finally move back.

Why would you want a woman who clearly doesn't value her relationship with you /your dc to be so invested in your lives?? Many mners would be glad their ils are so far away. That's not weird, it's fact.

I agree, it sounds that they are just able to provide wrap around care, but were not prepared to give full time care to a young baby which absolutely fair enough.

That’s what I thought LifeBeginsAtGin

Is bil her favourite child?

I also wondered whether she would retract her child minding offer when they return. Almost as though she is carrot dangling so she has her boys all around her.

@cattack Ive a feeling it will go horribly wrong when school holidays arrive.

My mil moved from the south, up north with one main reason being to help with childcare....it lasted a matter of weeks.

And that was upheaval you don’t need.

Bil is her first, she has 4 sons and 2 grandsons including mine. I'm having a girl this time around, that she is so excited about because 'it's the girl I've always wanted!' - so also a little worried that my ds will be forgotten as her first gs will be back and she will finally have a gd. Was hoping I was worrying about nothing but now this childcare situation is happening it's making me think it's a reasonable thing to worry about.
For the PP who asked, yes mil lives a 10 minute drive from me.

I will just add as I realise I wrote I have no family nearby- my dp live about an hours drive away too but they both work full time- however my sisters/brother who all help each other with childcare live in a different county about 3 hours away unfortunately.
My own dm offered to quit work to look after my ds but we couldn't afford to pay her what money she would have lost as again it would have taken most of my wage.

My mil used to have my DD1 for a few hours on a Sunday , not for childcare, just because she wanted to look after her. I became pregnant again when DD1 was 6 months old and MIL was really cross and told me that she wasn't going to look after the 2 DDS together because we were irresponsible having another DC so soon after DD1 birth and it was too much for her to do . She had to ask me when DD2 was 3yrs old to have her on a Sunday as well . I have never forgotten it . We had 2 miscarriages and were trying for DC for 12 years before we had DD1 . When we knew we were expecting DD2 it was a dream come true. I have never forgiven her , l loved her and she has passed away now. I wish l had it out with her because it has marred my memories of her.
I don't know what you can do about this but I don't think you can let it go . It smacks of favouritism and unfairness.

I think most people are in a similar position in not having family available and or willing to look after their children. You are fortunate your husband earns enough to support your family. I would try to forget about MIL and her potential help as already she has shown she wouldn’t be reliable and willing for your family. Eventually you will have a situation you can work when your children will be at school. You are very lucky and need to concentrate on what you have got rather than what BiL May get as it maybe more than he bargained for.

I think you should just let it ride over you.
By the way cat I don't see nursery costs being your whole or most of your wage as a reason not to work.
Be a SAHM by all means, I was, but you will lose ground in your career so don't rule it out for financial reasons only.