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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice on how to handle friends OH cheating with my cousin

18 replies

HoHoHoHo · 14/05/2018 10:58

A while ago my cousin who I have always been close to moved to my neighbourhood so she started spending time with me and my friends. To cut a long story short she slept with one of my friend’s partners. I think it is relevant that she was very drunk and quite naïve and he is incredibly sleazy. After it happened he pursued my cousin but she told him to leave her alone and that it was a mistake. He has come onto me and a couple of other women in the group in the past and has a history of cheating on my friend. We all hate him but my friend loves him for reasons I can’t fathom and is still with him.

My cousin doesn’t spend time with that friendship group anymore for obvious reasons but I am still close to her. My friend recently blew up at me as she saw a facebook photograph of me and my cousin at a family wedding. My friend seems to think I should disown my cousin while supporting her relationship. My friend also went a step further by contacting my mum on facebook to let my family know what my cousin had done. Luckily my mum has no interest in her niece’s sex life and ignored the message.

I would like advice on how to handle the situation. I understand that my friend is hurting but there is no way I am going to disown my cousin and I am really angry that she is trying to stir up trouble in my family. I also don’t see how she can expect me to be OK with her sleazy boyfriend yet cut-out my own flesh and blood.

OP posts:

Queenoftheblitz · 14/05/2018 11:03

Tell her she needs to disown her sleazy partner for his behaviour. Does she know he's come onto her other friends including you? If not it's time to tell her.

InanimateCarbonRod · 14/05/2018 11:04

Tell your friend that whilst you understand that she's hurt, it was your cousin's actions, not yours and therefore you're keeping neutral.

GrumpyInsomniac · 14/05/2018 11:05

I think your friend may end up being an ex-friend. Even though it's obvious to everyone that it takes two people to have sex, some women will always blame the other woman, rather than their partner, for infidelity.

It's hard to see how you can remain friends if she won't accept that her partner is a sleaze and that she needs to get rid and find someone who will love and respect her enough to remain faithful. Not least because if she sees him coming on to you, you know who she'll blame.

Original poster

HoHoHoHo · 14/05/2018 11:07

We've told her about him coming onto us but she says he's just joking around.

OP posts:

Queenoftheblitz · 14/05/2018 11:18

I think this friendship is over. His "joking around" totally negates your feelings.
Do you need this friend in your life if it means putting up with her sleazy ballbag?

BadTasteFlump · 14/05/2018 11:34

I would tell your friend that she doesn't get to decide who you 'disown'. And that if she then decides that she can't cope with the fact that you are still going to be in contact with your cousin, that is of course her choice.

I would then refuse to discuss it - or her sleazebag partner - any more.

KittyHawke80 · 14/05/2018 11:38

There’s a very tiresome type of woman who will deal with a philandering husband by always overlooking his behaviour, but demanding the woman in every instance, be forced to wear a scarlet letter and by shunned by the community 😂 Tell her to go to fuck.

tickingthebox22 · 14/05/2018 11:40

ditch the friend! She is no friend at all when it is all other peoples fault for seducung her partner. Stay friends and it'll be you in trouble next.

Original poster

HoHoHoHo · 14/05/2018 12:39

I don't want to ditch her, we've been friends for years and she's normally lovely she just has a blind spot for this guy.

OP posts:

Willow2017 · 14/05/2018 12:41

Tell her to deal with her sleaze bag dp first and formost before blaming everyone else for his infidelity. Tell her you dont appreciate her dismissing her dp trying it on with you and your friends and coming on to your cousin and taking advantage of her drunken state. You and your friends should be able to go out without wondering what said sleazeball will do next.

If she cant I wouldnt want to be out with them at all as everytime he slavers all over a woman it will be their fault not his and that gets really boring after a while.

BadTasteFlump · 14/05/2018 12:41

You don't have to ditch her. Put the ball in her court (where it should be). Just because she wants to play dim, doesn't mean you have to go along with it. State your position on it and then it's up to her if she is prepared to accept it or not.

Queenoftheblitz · 14/05/2018 12:50

She's lovely to a point. She hasn't been lovely to you or your mum.
If you want to stay friends fine. But you need to stand up for your cousin.

Original poster

HoHoHoHo · 14/05/2018 13:32

I have had very strong words with her about contacting my mum. And to be fair to her she apologised unreservedly and knows it was wrong.

It's infuriating as my friend found out by snooping at his phone and there is clear evidence that he was persueing my cousin for more sex and her saying no and that she regretted it then blocking him. My friend just glosses over his behaviour and said my cousin threw herself at him.

OP posts:

Queenoftheblitz · 14/05/2018 17:22

I'm guessing her dp claimed cousin threw herself at him. How do you feel about socialising with her dp?

Storm4star · 14/05/2018 17:31

If you want to save the friendship I think all you can do is say to her that you are not going to disown your cousin and you would like to move forward with your friend and put it behind you. It seems like your cousin made a mistake and sincerely regretted it. As others have said, some (delusional) people will always blame the other woman and use these “she threw herself at him” excuses, to justify the fact that they want to stay in a relationship. Sometimes, in a long standing friendship, you have to “agree to disagree” over certain matters.

MimiSunshine · 14/05/2018 17:37

I’d just go with: “If you ditch your cheating boyfriend then I’ll ditch my cousin. But you go first.

Obviously there is no chance of the former so we’ll forget the later and just carry on as friends as we are.”

If she pushes on it, just tell her she’s seen his messages to your cousin as have you, if she’s willing to ignore the reality of the situation then that’s her choice, but you won’t be listening to anymore about it or negativity about your cousin either

Original poster

HoHoHoHo · 14/05/2018 18:30

I avoid socialising with him where i can and am civil when I have to be in the same place as him. My friend knows he's not popular with our friends so tends not to bring him out with us thankfully.

OP posts:

BlueBug45 · 17/05/2018 11:57

@HoHoHoHo - your friend is extremely silly.

Your cousin is a blood-relation so at any extended family event you are invited to she will be there. It's not like you can ever avoid her, however you can avoid your friend.

Make it clear to her that it is none of her business if you are friends with other family members, and if she wants to remain your friend you won't discuss it.

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