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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DCs to lie

44 replies

GoldingGold · 14/05/2018 09:37

Hope you’re all having a good morning,
So my family recently went on holiday for DDs birthday. It was a domestic holiday and DD wanted to go there all year. The problem was that the DDs school is very strict on holidays during the school term. Especially during year 6 which DD is in. I told DH when we were planning the holiday that we should do it during half term or Easter break however DH complained that it was too expensive and would be nicer for DD to spend her birthday over there.

The last time we asked to take our older DC out of school for a holiday a few years back they told us that we weren’t allowed, so we had to change the date. DH decided to book the holiday on a Wednesday and leave on a Sunday. The problem was that DH thought instead of asking for DD to have a few days off for a holiday he would call in and say she is sick each day.

The older DCs who are now in high school had no problem when we asked if they could have 3 days off school. I personally believe that although the primary school is rather strict on attendance they would’ve most likely let DD take 3 days off as her attendance was 100% before the holiday.

DH told me that I could only tell close friends and family about the holiday and none of the families could post any pictures on social media . The holiday went well however it would’ve felt much better without the having to worry about DDs school. DD now also has to hide the fact that she went on holiday and pretend she sick. She unable to tell any of her friends until half term where she will lie and say she went on holiday then.

The feel the whole thing is a terrible lesson to teach our children. I feel like going into the school and confessing to the teacher about what happened as DH behaviour has been disgraceful and so has mine for going along with the whole thing. The DCs education is so important and calling in sick while on holiday just gives the DCs the wrong impression imo. The In-laws seem to think that DH did nothing wrong and it’s the schools fault for being so strict. I told my mother and she thinks I should go in and tell the school so that DD can learn a lesson about telling the truth. My head is all over the place. The worst part for me is year 6 is the most important year in primary school, DD will be taking her Sats in a few weeks. I have told DH I will never do anything like this in the future and if the school won’t allow us to have a day off for a holiday we will just have to do in during the school break.

OP posts:

WomaninGreen · 14/05/2018 10:51

DC lying is a bit hard because they might slip and give you away but don't feel bad about asking. It will be a life lesson.

thetriangleisarealinstrument · 14/05/2018 10:51

My parents did this with me.... I even remember my mum rining in sick for me from the middle of the swimming pool!!
I think many many people have done this and teachers know people do it. The rule about holidays is ridiculous and unfairly victimises those on low income who will not be able to take holidays in the school breaks because of costs. I think most teachers agree with that tbh and if a child has full attendance and is doing well but takes a few days 'off sick' to go somewhere most would turn a blind eye..... as long as they dont have to come down on it which they would do if you didnt lie sadly....

Original poster

GoldingGold · 14/05/2018 11:01

Wakemeuuuup

Yes but its only a spelling test so DD will be ok. The school in helping her do some extra work.

I don’t like the school rules but I believe that they are set for the well being of our children. I think it’s unfair on the teachers that now they are having to now spend extra time helping DD catch up with work that’s missed.

OP posts:

crunchymint · 14/05/2018 11:14

This depends on the kids, but as a kid I would have found that so stressful and would have hated having to do it.

Luisa27 · 14/05/2018 11:19

White lie, not hurting anyone

Wakemeuuuup · 14/05/2018 14:12

Ok GoldingGold. I only asked because you said sats were a few weeks agao in your op

Addy2 · 14/05/2018 15:20

You can't get a fine unless you take more than three days anyway, OP. I do think lying was a bad example to set, but it's done now. Try not to over think it.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 14/05/2018 17:46

It's an awful lesson to teach the children, I'd be honest with the school and explain to your DD that she shouldn't have had to lie and you made a mistake. Even worse considering you are letting the staff make up the missed work as they believe she was sick.

Your DH being so dismissive of education is poor, especially given the SATS papers started today and not just spellings.

exLtEveDallas · 14/05/2018 17:51

What a load of twaddle. SATs started today and go on until Thursday. Half Term is in 2 weeks.

Headupshouldersback · 14/05/2018 18:12

We have done this a couple of times but it was at the end of term so I didn’t have to worry about the kids having to lie.
I think holidays are really important and I am the type of parent who has the kids in school on time, homework done with all the kit etc. They’re not off sick all the time so what’s 3 days?
However a friend of mine took her children off on a nice holiday, called them in sick and upon their return her ds was bragging to all his mates about his trip.
Teacher called mum over and asked her about it. She said “ok I’m going to level with you, I just felt as a family we really needed it” and all was forgiven.
Don’t sweat it, it’s done now.

Jjacobb · 14/05/2018 18:21

I can guarantee the teacher will already know. My dh works in a school and parents often do what you've done. Duh and the class teacher always work out the truth pretty quickly.

TeenTimesTwo · 14/05/2018 18:29

Our old primary recently sent a letter to parents on this very subject. They said please don't lie, you will often get found out, it is a bad lesson for the children, and breaks down trust between parents and school.

Either have the courage of your convictions and go on holiday openly, or don't go on holiday. Don't lie to the school.

I also think it is really unfair on those families whose children do have ongoing or just random health issues as people start to think they are probably lying too.

cunningartificer · 14/05/2018 18:52

Also please bear in mind that school can’t authorise absence—it’s not we won’t, we literally are not allowed to, there’s no holiday code any more.

Personally I’d be fine with those who usually have great attendance going for a couple of days, but we have to say no. We’re not going to pursue this though.

On the other hand we have children who are always off just before every half term and holiday, as well as at other times. That’s not reasonable and really does impact their education. Have a look at the research here: schoolleaders.thekeysupport.com/pupils-and-parents/absence-and-attendance/strategies-for-managing-attendance/linking-attendance-to-exam-results-secondary/

CalF123 · 14/05/2018 19:02

I don't think it's sending a bad message at all- the school certainly won't care. They just have to come across as 'strict' because of government policies.

The two options are either pay hundreds of pounds in fines or tell them she's ill. I know which one I'd choose.

Petitepamplemousse · 14/05/2018 23:22

It’s no big deal. Just go.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 14/05/2018 23:33

I think it's a bad idea to teach your kids to lie. Most kids are terrible at it anyway, and the truth usually slips out. If so, then what? Punish them?

I also agree with the comment above that it breaks the trust between parents and school.

By doing this you're (a) teaching your kids to stick two fingers up at 'authority' and (b) enouraging dishonesty.

How will you feel when your children start lying to you?

I'm not commenting on the holiday, only on the element of teaching them to tell lies AND to maintain that lie.

And, btw, there were 2 SATs tests today that your child missed. So all that work and prep they did was for nothing.

celticprincess · 15/05/2018 10:13

As others have said SATs are this week. Y6
Sats can’t be redone at a different time!! I’m confided by your post regarding that.

As for the holiday. School can’t stop you going. They can’t authorise the absence which is fair enough but that doesn’t mean you can’t go. Just be honest and tell them. Unless you’re trying to avoid the fine then lying is just silly and wrong. My children’s school doesn’t fine. They sent a letter out a few years ago stating they can’t authorise holidays but please let us know if you are going on holiday still so we can put it in the diary. Getting children to lie is just wrong.

RidingWindhorses · 16/05/2018 10:45

The holiday has already happened.

KellyanneConway · 16/05/2018 13:50

I've done this before but it was just before the start of the summer holidays, so all forgotten by the time the DCs went back to school. It's hardly the crime of the century so not worth confessing all to the school and risking a backdated fine (if there is such a thing). If your DD mentions the trip to her friends it's unlikely they would link it back to the time she had off sick. I think the more you build it up to be a big guilty secret, the more likely the trip will be associated with the lie and increased likelihood of school finding out e.g DD saying "I went swimming at centre parks" vs "Don't tell anyone but Dad lied to school and really I went to centre parks"

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