Holiday with MIL

[WicketWoo]

We (me, DH and DCs) have agreed to go on holiday with my MIL next summer - just for a week. This is quite a big thing as we have done it before and had issues as she can be very bossy. We've also had some issues in our relationship in the past but we are on a relatively even keel at the moment.

I have 2 AIBUs, the first is that my mum died 2 months ago and in the three days since agreeing to go MIL has gone on about how wonderful this week will be and how great it will be to have a family holiday - and it is making me very cross and wishing I hadn't agreed to it. I get she's excited and it will (hopefully) be lovely as she'll spend time with her GCs and we'll all have a nice time but I don't know how to get her to stop as I am finding it too upsetting given this won't happen with my family ever again. So AIBU to be getting so cross about it? Any ideas for dealing with this would be welcome?

Secondly - I am conscious already that a whole week of her being overbearing and bossy is going to negatively impact our relationship once more. Having taken years to get to this steady state, AIBU to think I somehow need to talk to her before the holiday about this? (She has form for sulking...)

Help please wise mumsnetters.

Oh and DH is of the so laid back he's horizontal sort so not much use in talking to MIL for me.

I suggest for your sanity you are not with her all of the time. See if she would be kind enough to baby sit a couple of night so you and DH can have quality time on your own.

Perhaps MIL is trying to let you know that you still have family? Albeit ILs? If it is really upsetting you - and she clearly doesn't realise - then you need to say something, even if it's just 'can we not talk about this, as it's upsetting me as I am realising I will never have a family holiday with my DM again'. As for the other thing - you are presuming what is going to happen and getting yourself wound up ... stop thinking about what MAY happen. I do this and it's very damaging (to you and your peace of mind). Have a few ideas of things to do in mind. If MIL gets too much for you on holiday, take yourself off for an hour or so to cool down - and if the worst comes to the worst, it's only a week (although it may seem longer!) and just console yourself that you will never do it again!

Wise words Piffle - I am indeed getting wound up for something that may not happen. I like the idea of having a few options in my mind (perhaps staying with the kids by the pool to get away) but to not assume the worst. I will try.

And thanks blue - some time with DH would actually be rather nice and she would be happy playing games with the kids at the villa for a night or two I'm sure.

I'm sorry about your mum OP. I'm sure your MIL wouldn't say such things deliberately to hurt you? More like she's happy to be going on holiday with you all and hasn't thought that such comments might upset you.

Regarding her being bossy while you're there I think it's best to set out some rules with DH that you expect MIL to abide by and that he will back you up if necessary and then proceed with caution.

Don't start worrying all ready about something that might not even happen. Look forward to a lovely holiday

Talk to your dh before. Start from a position that you want this holiday to be successful, that you know MIL can be stressful and you need to be a united front.
Talk about what behaviour you will just let go for some peace (nagging, too much ice cream and treats, etc) and what you cannot let go and will put a foot down over. For me for example that would be safety around water/never leaving kids unsupervised/sun safety.

If dh starts with the ‘just the way she is’ shit then you need to remind him that ‘oh that's just how she is’ has never, in the history of humanity, been said about a reasonable person. ;)

Techniques we use are things like the aforementioned discussion and a code phrase that means ‘I need to get out of here, deal with your mum.’

Firm, reasonable boundaries are key. I wouldn’t care if she was feeding them ice cream constantly, keeping them up late or spoiling them for example. There are no exceptions for me for safety and I have put my foot down with MIL before over this on holiday (no we will not go out for dinner while you leave a toddler alone in an unlockable insecure room off a busy road and go to the bar..)

Pick your battles, talk about it before and agree boundaries

So sorry for your loss, losing your mum is horrendous and it takes a long time to start feeling anything close to normal again. It's early days, the holiday may well be fine but try to devise some strategies for getting some time to yourself if it isn't. 💐

Oh and DH is of the so laid back he's horizontal sort so not much use in talking to MIL for me.

Oops! Sorry DH - not an option here.

He doesn't get to be 'laid back' if that means you getting all the stress. How is that ok? It's his mum. He steps up because it is required - end of.

Talk to him about your concerns and finish with 'I need you to have a word with your Mum - remind her about my mum and just ask her to pipe down on the family stuff and bear in mind I'll find it hard. And I need you to be on side with squashing any bossiness. What's that, you can't have a word because you don't see the need/it'll only cause an argument/you think she'll be fine and I shoudl stop stressing? Oh ok then. That's fine, we'll just cancel it - no problem.'

Lots of good advice here. I think talking beforehand and setting my boundaries so DH can help maintain them will probably be key.

I do truly hope it will be a lovely holiday as I know that she loves my kids.

She means well and isn’t malicious so imo I’m afraid yabu and looking for problems.

Be thankful she is a lovely granny. So many kids don’t have the luxury

Plus she raised your dp who you obviously like

I lost my DM a few years ago now and can definitely relate to this. It’s tough knowing that family time has ended.
We’re going away with the IL’s this summer for a week (not the first time) and while I know I will get frustrated by being planned for, always waiting for them to be ready to go out etc I know that the kids will get lots of attention and my DH will get lots of quality time with his aging parents. We did similar with my DM while she was with us so I can see the importance for DH while his parents are still able.
My plan is to take plenty of good books, headphones for music and just try and relax!! Lots of deep breaths and occasional tongue biting may be required but it won’t kill me!

So sorry for your loss. That's very hard to handle and can affect you for a long time.

I am sure your MIL isn't being unkind, she is probably just not thinking. This can happen to all of us. I think advice about setting boundaries is good and concentrating on her good relationship with her GCs. If she is there to baby sit for you and you can have a couple of nights out that would be great.