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Original poster

What is the etiquette? HELP!

31 replies

MrsDylanBlue · 13/05/2018 23:10

I adore my sons girlfriend.

We went out for dinner and met her family tonight who were also lovely. They clearly adore my son and even though they are divorced it was all lovely and amicable (unlike my sons Dad and I).

Thing is girlfriends Dad went and paid for the meal for 10 of us, three courses and I had 2 glasses of wine. We tried to pay for ourselves but he wouldn’t let us.

Apparently this is par for the course and he’s not swimming in a river of gold.

WTF do we do next time? I am so uncomfortable with someone else paying for me and not being able to reciprocate.

OP posts:
Donthate · 13/05/2018 23:11

You could invite them to dinner at your house?

Original poster
MrsDylanBlue · 13/05/2018 23:12

Yeah I wondered about doing a BBQ if my son is happy for me to..

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 13/05/2018 23:12

Was this a kind of one off introductory thing or is dinner with you all together likely to become a regular thing?

SandAndSea · 13/05/2018 23:12

I would send a thank you note and start saving clubcard vouchers.

SandAndSea · 13/05/2018 23:13

You could always host a buffet.

OliviaStabler · 13/05/2018 23:13

Some people want to pay. If you offer and that is refused and forceful payment would cause offence, you just accept gracefully.

EdWinchester · 13/05/2018 23:13

You pay next time, if you can afford it.

If not, you don't.

Inviting them to dinner at yours would be a good solution.

MiddleClassProblem · 13/05/2018 23:13

How soon/likely will there be a next time?

Anyway as pp said, host them. A sorted already.

Original poster
MrsDylanBlue · 13/05/2018 23:15

I can see it happening on Birthdays etc and my son and his gf are pretty serious so possibly ...

OP posts:
Hobbes8 · 13/05/2018 23:17

My parents and in-laws did this when we first got together. Lots of father ted style wrestling for th bill (apologies if you don't get that reference!). If you're on similar incomes and can afford to take turns to pay, then insist it's your turn next time. If not, then dinner/BBQ at your place next time is a lovely gesture. But try not to worry about it - I'm sure they are more concerned about you adoring their daughter than they are about your ability to pay for dinner (and if they're not than they should be).

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 13/05/2018 23:17

My dad is a payer and he does it expecting no reciprocation whatsoever. He’s not loaded by any stretch but not skint either but he has been and he gets pleasure out of doing it. He’d be mortified if he thought he’d caused offence in a similar way Fil is much the same, he sneaked off the night before our we’d and paid for all mine and dh’s friends meals.
I’d invite them for dinner that’s lovely and now you’ve had the initial restaurant meal it’s the next step really do wouldn’t seem odd.

Original poster
MrsDylanBlue · 13/05/2018 23:23

I am pretty sure we earn a lot more. But my son and all her family said he always does it. Head up would have been good!

I know I wondered if he likes doing it. It was lovely but it would make me not want to go again IYSWIM.

OP posts:
ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 13/05/2018 23:24

Either invite them for a meal at a restaurant that is in your price range, or host a dinner party for your family, the other family and your son and his girlfriend and find some nice recipes (Google will find you many ) and get some wine and beer and that could be your way of reciprocating (yes, you would not paying for a restaurant meal, but technically you would still be buying all the food, drinks and cooking it tooGrin)

Original poster
MrsDylanBlue · 13/05/2018 23:29

It was so lovely and I had been given about 300 rules by my son Hmm

OP posts:
Hobbes8 · 13/05/2018 23:30

Ahh so it's not a money problem, more an insistence on paying problem. Are you comfortable hosting at your house? If so then they have to accept your hospitality! However that's a bit annoying if you would rather "host" at a restaurant and have the money to do so, but are forced into catering because otherwise they'll pay every time and you'll never feel like you've hosted.

TatianaLarina · 13/05/2018 23:40

If you organise the night, and you’re clearly the host then you’d pay no? It would be odd for him to insist in that circumstance.

LexiGray · 13/05/2018 23:41

Next time you either host at home or nip to the loo and pay on the way back so it is a done deal.
I can understand you all meeting up as a one off but don’t think families normal include their children in laws family at birthdays etc even once they are married.

Original poster
MrsDylanBlue · 13/05/2018 23:44

My sons GF really loved it and I think would like us too.

OP posts:
cafetea · 13/05/2018 23:50

There were 8 of them and you and your son - it seems that you were the guests at the gf family getting to know you so it's fine that they paid for you both.. I'd say to write a thank you note. For the next time ask your son what he would think best to do.

User02 · 13/05/2018 23:52

The seriously old fashioned etiquette on the families of a "courting" couple's parents and family meeting for the first time should have been the boys family inviting the girls' family to dinner at the boy's family home, after which the girl's parents then return the invitation by holding a dinner party at their house. These dinners are supposedly meant for the families to discuss the wedding arrangements.

I just love reading old lifestyle books. It is so interesting and so far from the majority of events today.

dontcallmelen · 13/05/2018 23:54

Op, I would maybe host a bbq or dinner party with you providing the food/alcohol, so that way you feel you have reciprocated, if you don’t think you will get a chance to pay in a restaurant.
@LexiGray we meet up with my dd’s in laws a few times a year we have a ‘do’ every summer & they are invited, also meet up over the Christmas & we get invited to birthday party’s/bbq that they hold.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 14/05/2018 00:25

Definitely dinner at yours OP. Champagne/fizz to greet them and a couple of decent wines, along with your own delicious food!

Perfect way to reciprocate and takes things a step further in your friendship as well.

Godowneasy · 14/05/2018 01:16

It was so lovely and I had been given about 300 rules by my son

Spill the beans about 'the 300 rules' then! Grin

I need some coaching before meeting my daughter's boyfriend's mother next month ...

OlennasWimple · 14/05/2018 01:50

Send a lovely thank you note and find a way to reciprocate that works for you

Copperbonnet · 14/05/2018 02:06

My PIL make a big fuss about paying in restaurants, they like to play host.

On the other hand they very rarely invite anyone to dinner at their house.

My parents on the other hand have hosted them for Christmas, New Year, Easter, BBQs etc countless times so it balances out nicely.

It’s lovely that you’ve made an effort to get on with your son’s potential PILs.

My DPs and my PIL get on so well they even socialise without us. It does make Christmas arrangements etc much easier.

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