Another MIL discussion -AIBU?

[user1475938889]

Firstly, an apology as this is my first post. I have gleaned a lot of very useful advice from mumsnet but never actually posted.... But I need advice! Recently went to visit family abroad, DH is not British lets just leave that there. We took DS to meet family he's never met before and on the whole had a fab time. Except.... MIL was constantly undermining me - speaking about me in her own tongue ( which a friend confirmed), making comments about how we raise our child (sleep, eating, we spoil him, he's clingy etc). Previously we have got along very well as DH and I have been married for some time. The problem is this has seriously knocked my confidence and the issue has come between myself and DH as he thinks the sun shines out of his mothers posterior! MIL and I have not whatsapped since we got back and I don't know what to do as ordinarily I would be sending regular updates of the DS and what we're up to. Do I swallow my pride and accept she seriously undermines my mothering and just think she's trying to help or say something along the lines of she's upset me? I guess some people have to be diplomats all the time if their MIL lives nearby rather than a plane journey away. I just feel like the whole hol I tried to be a good DIL, offering to help with everything, paying my way and biting my tongue when hurtful comments were made but by the end of the trip we could barely speak to one another!

Ps I have tried to make myself a proper username but haven't managed yet.

Well now you know how she really feels about you I would leave the messages to your dh to manage.

What April said.

Are you sure of what she said? Could the person who told you she was undermining you be shit stirring?

Also if he allows her to bully you, he's a problem too. My husband isn't British, he'd defend me in less than a heartbeat.

Was this directed at you or both of you?

Let DH deal with his mother.

Thanks folks... The lady who told me she was talking about me speaks their tongue and is my age with young children. (She gets it) when I confided MIL was giving me some jip she said MIL had said I spoil DS in front of me in their tongue and she had defended me saying it's nice to spoil ones child with love (not money in our case). DS from very conservative family and it seems the mother is the matriarch and what says goes, he didn't defend me at all, if anything completely left me out by the end, hence now the issues there [sobs]

Ignore the mil ... your dh is the problem and he needs a pair of balls.

So what has your dh said? Have you even told him? Leave all communication to him. My dh deals with his family, I deal with mine.

Ah, a matriarch who rules the family by helpfully criticising everyone, when no-one may criticise her!
Not confined to any one culture, I'm afraid.
You don't have to live with her, you and your dh choose the rules for your new family, but don't expect him to change the rules of his old one. Talk to your dh about how the way you want to parent is the same or differs from how he was brought up, and how any of your ds's cousins might be brought up.

The good news is she lives far away. Personally, I wouldn't initiate contact with someone who has been so mean.

I'm curious, why do you think she was barely speaking to you by the end? And why hasn't she contacted you since?

You may need marriage counselling. Your husband needs to understand that his first loyalty should be to you. You may need to point out to him that because DS is half his, by criticizing DS's behaviour your MIL is criticizing her own son too. You might also point out how incredibly rude it is for her to speak in a language you don't understand (assuming she also speaks English).

My impression, is that she was understandably very sore about us all coming back to UK and leaving her country and I was the target of this upset as on the last day she wouldn't speak to me or look at me and just made repeated digs which I got less and less good as washing over me! Thanks for your replies btw!

Agnurse - yes she speaks English very fluently but often spoke to DS in the mother tongue in front of me which I largely swallowed up but occasionally felt v left out!

Sorry DH not DS

Congratulations! You now realize your MIL is a pain in the arse. Also, that she lives far away, can't be trusted and that you can change your behavior accordingly.

Take a giant step back. You're the mother of your child and you decide how they are raised. Leave your DH to deal with his mother, and keep your interaction to a minimum. Only do what works for you and in the interests of your child. Don't overshare, don't try to appease. Just move on. Only engage with positive behaviors from your MIL. Teach her that when she upsets you then her contact with you (and your child) is less. Harsh but fair.

Breath and ignore

Your DH was wrong to let anyone bad mouth you as a parent - he's the other parent and this reflects on him as well -

I think you are more hurt by your husbands actions rather than MIL

Well younspeqk to him say 'I was hurt that you didn't tell me what was being said' 'I felt excluded when nobody translated' 'I was embarrassed that X told me what MIL was saying'

So not about her but about how you feel - see if he understands

Good advice, I know I only ever do my best, I make mistakes as a mother and I am open to constructive feedback but I just want the very best for DS which if I come across as 'spoiling him' (because I don't leave him to sob himself to sleep) then I'm not really bothered. You are right it's that my husbands loyalty is with his mother. But as they say... Blood is thicker than water?!

I like @whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2's advice.