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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my FIL to move here!

15 replies

Changenameday · 13/05/2018 17:47

PIL split up last August and it has made everything very awkward. FIL never really bothered with my DH but he is retired and doesn’t have any friends and is now constantly texting/calling my DH and then getting upset when he doesn’t immediately responds - usually because he is working.

He has come to visit us (we live about 4 hours away as DH is forces) and he’s been here since Friday night and is driving me up the wall. He arrives with an air bed despite us having a guest room and won’t eat anything from our house!

Now he’s started looking at houses round here and aibu to discourage this as much as possible!!!

OP posts:
saiya06 · 13/05/2018 17:49

100%. I'm sure some people will call you a bad DIL but you need to set boundaries. Can you get him dating?

GetOffTheTableMabel · 13/05/2018 17:53

You are definitely not being unreasonable but it is possible that he could be less trouble if he’s living nearby. He would have no need to stay overnight with you, or even eat at your house if he didn’t want to.
If he does relocate, you and your dh will need to define boundaries very clearly. Start as you mean to go on.

Racecardriver · 13/05/2018 17:57

I second Old idea.

FrogFairy · 13/05/2018 18:26

If DH is forces then surely you will be moving around to other locations, so better that FIL stays near his friends and familiar surroundings.

Iflyaway · 13/05/2018 18:33

Can you get him dating?

You're having a laugh!

Why should OP take on family who fucked up in their life?!

Give her a break!

saiya06 · 13/05/2018 20:00

wait, I realize that I said 100%. I mean 100% NOT UNREASONABLE.

I didn't mean move him in, I meant INSTEAD OF MOVING HIM IN, see if they could encourage him to make more local friends or a partner. Then he won't move.

Sorry, was unclear.

MrsExpo · 13/05/2018 20:19

Why won’t he eat at your house? Very odd and rude ..... (unless you’re the worlds worst cook OP Smile)

As you’re forces then you’re unlikely to settle in your area for long so tell him that. By the time he buys a house near you, you could be uprooting and moving elsewhere or even abroad. Far better he stays on familiar ground —4hours away—

Original poster
Changenameday · 14/05/2018 19:54

He’s gone home Grin

He won’t eat at ours because DH is a chef so he thinks he shouldn’t have to cook on his days off. Trouble is we ended up having 2 takeaways, 2 breakfasts out and 2 meals out between Friday night and Monday morning, which was a) expensive b) not exactly healthy for someone who is 22 weeks pregnant!

He then spends the time suggesting all the things we could do to improve our house/careers/lives.

If he moves here I’ll be the one stuck entertaining him!

OP posts:
louharrisismyhero · 14/05/2018 20:39

If he moves here I’ll be the one stuck entertaining him!

You're acting like you don't get a say in the matter.

What are you talking about "if".

There is no IF for most people. It simply isn't an option practically or for relationship stability to let a family member move in without explicit, all-around support for the idea and discussion about how it would work in reality.

Why on earth do you think you don't get a say in the matter?

iamyourequal · 14/05/2018 20:50

Don’t want to be too nosy OP but is there a reason why you are not cooking ?

Original poster
Changenameday · 14/05/2018 21:37

@louharris He doesn’t want to move in with us just to the area which is 200 miles from everything/everyone he knows.

@iamyourequal I always offer and always get turned down, I cooked breakfast the one day we did eat in but he always finds something to critise and a reason to go out. I do cook for me and DH not just sponging promise!

OP posts:
EllenOlenska · 14/05/2018 23:18

My MiL (so to speak) has been doing this the last 4 yrs. Dropping hints (but never in my earshot), constantly in estate agents when visiting etc..

She knows no-one here and would be moving away (200+ miles) from everything/one she knows and even further from her other son. So far my DP has politely but firmly put across the various reasons why this would be a bad idea (she originally painted him some rose tinted view on how it would all work out) plus our DS will be 18 in a couple of yrs and we may not even stay in the area we are now ( DPs job and we really want to keep our options open for new ventures as a couple and a family) and we certainly would not stay just because she has moved to be near us. She's dropped the subject more recently but she's still not past sending links to DP on Rightmove Hmm which he never responds to. DP does visit, alone, with DS and me so we do make an effort as a family it's not like we never see her. In fact I think I saw her more last year than my Mum!
As another poster said, given your DHs job, I would imagine you're in a position that means you could move around so why would your FiL want to uproot himself?

saiya06 · 15/05/2018 12:31

Stop catering to him then. It sounds like when he is here, you have to eat out and do things on his timeline. Stop it. If you want to eat breakfast at home, eat it. Treat him like family, not a guest.

Original poster
Changenameday · 15/05/2018 14:33

@saiya06 that’s what I try to do and just get accused of being difficult.
I’m hoping it was just exaggerated as it was the first time he’s been to this house (we recently moved from being ~1 hour away to ~4 hours so it was a bit more guest like

OP posts:
saiya06 · 22/05/2018 13:09

So be difficult. Don't cater to him now or you might regret it!

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