This is not normal is it?

[paris100]

So I have a husband who:
Barely talks to me, unless he has to.
Has no physical contact, zero, zilch, nada.
Has no friends...at all.
Is very unhappy in his job and without my knowledge applied for a job at the other end of the country expecting us to uproot and move. (He didn’t get it and emailed me to tell me!)

Alarm bells are ringing!

Ugh. Well no but I guess you know that.

Is it a sudden change? I would be concerned if it was.

Doesn't sound as though he loves you. Any kids? (Easier to walk away if no kids).
Is he on the autistic spectrum?

Beyond alarm bells. Acceptance that the marriage is over perhaps. I think the alarm bells have long rung out on this one.

What did he say when you asked him about all of the above issues.

As I am assuming you have asked him why he doesn't want to talk to you and applied for a job with a family move....?

Has he always been like this or has there been a recent change?

No, not a sudden change. Been going on for years but I’ve just kind of been putting up with it. 3 children and I’ve been keeping going for them, but I do strongly suspect he’s on the spectrum. Our oldest is and I suspect his mum is too (she has zero contact with the kids or i unless we visit her as a family. She lives 3 hours away)She even ignores their birthdays, but that’s another topic!

He thinks we’ll have a better quality of life if we move. I disagree.

He sounds depressed to me.

Of course it isn't normal. How long have you been married?

Is he amenable to talking about the state of the marriage? He can't unilaterally make family decisions and expect you to nod and along.

He could be depressed and I’ve brought this up with him before. He is adamant he isn’t and says I am! Married 14 years. He won’t talk about it, when I do try to discuss it he just says we should split. But we’re still here. Walking past each other like strangers.

There’s no way I’m moving. I have a successful career, I’m financially independent and have friends and family here. He thinks I should move with him, give up my job and ‘pick up part time work’.

The important question is not, is this normal, it's 'Do I want this kind of relationship?'

If your answer is no, and he refuses to even discuss the issue, you know what you have to do.

OP, no offense meant but you've been posting about him for years.

He isn't on the spectrum, he checked out of the marriage for whatever reason.

Is he someone who takes the easy route? That's why he stays, if so.

You are throwing your life away on this loveless marriage and I hope that you will at least empathise with your children when they start to realise how fucked up he is and need someone to talk to.

He is with you because you stay and put up with it all.

If he so flippantly suggests separation, doesn't this make you think perhaps he's looking for you to make the first move? Perhaps he wants a get out of jail free card.

He thinks I should move with him, give up my job and ‘pick up part time work’.

Sod that - can you suggest as he is so keen to move, that he just fucks off anyway and leaves you to get on with things without his unhelpful presence in the house?

He won’t talk about it, when I do try to discuss it he just says we should split. But we’re still here. Walking past each other like strangers

just leave or ask him to. There really is no point to your marriage. you are independent financially, so there is nothing holding you in this miserable place.

To be honest you are in quite a fortunate position that many women don't find themselves in when contemplating divorce: financial independence and a support network.

It sounds as though you don't want to end the marriage but it seems he's checked out.

The only question is: Can you live like this? Short of him undergoing a drastic personality change overnight this is going to be your lot for the rest of your life. Probably will be even more miserable once the children have flown the nest.

I hate this idea that being on the Spectrum means you wouldn't show affection for your children.

OP, why do you stay? even though on every thread you are told that there is no answer to this accept to end the marriage.

Without getting personal, do you consider yourself worthy of love, affection, laughter and happiness?

Re the part time work. Do you remember when he wanted you to pay half on a property that he owned? He hasn't always been fair financially, either.

You sound resigned to the situation- would he be open to a conversation?

He wants to leave and this is his way out. He knows you won’t, therefore he can pin the split on you.

Birdsgottafly I had totally forgotten about the property issue. Thanks for reminding me

You’re all absolutely right. I’ve been putting up with this crap existence for far too long. I’ve stayed because the children were young, life and work have got in the way etc. But I’m not prepared, at my age, to resign myself to a miserable life of zero affection so it’s about time I pulled my finger out and realised that I have a housemate, not a husband. And I’m worthy of far more.