I don't think IABU - DP problems

[Namechangezzz]

My dp and I have been together for 10 years. We're happy, we live together, don't have any kids.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or overly paranoid, but I wanted some perspective on what's happened in the last month or so.

Before we met, dp had been in a long term relationship, and after they broke up he had a few one night stands with people. When we got together, I was using his computer one day and his Google chrome most viewed websites new tab thingy had a sex chat website on it. I confronted him and he admitted to using it in the past but swore he didn't use it anymore. I wasn't convinced that was true, but we weren't serious at the time and I never saw any evidence of anything again.

Recently, a few things have happened that have made me suspicious. I will say that I have no concerns about him physically cheating. He's a rubbish liar and I'd know. I'm more concerned that he's developing or has got a porn/sex chat addiction.

So, the reasons for my paranoia:

• he's on Skype a lot, texting. It's something we've never used to communicate, and none of his friends or family do either, so why would he use it? His phone doesn't receive notifications from it, so he's obviously set it that way deliberately.
• when he's on Skype, if I get up from my sofa he'll close it, or lock his phone.
• he often turns his phone to an angle so I can't see the screen
• I know he watches porn, and to be honest, I don't have an issue with it. What I do have an issue with is when I look over at him while we're watching telly of an evening and I see it on his phone. If he's watching it to have a morning wank (sorry -tmi), fine, but when I'm sat in the same room??
• our sexual relationship has dwindled to absolutely nothing. He used to instigate a lot of it, but he's not done it for ages. I've tried instigating it, but he doesn't respond. To me it feels like he'd rather watch porn, than have sex with me.

Today I've had enough. He was going out to his hobby this afternoon, but had been distant and texting all day. I finally snapped as he was about to leave, and said "do you think you'll be able to cope without Skype for 4 hours?". He knew instantly what I was suspicious of as he said "it's not what you think". I told him that he'd barely spoken to me all day, spent all day texting, and locked his phone anytime I went near him, so what was I supposed to think.

He just walked out the door and went.

He's texted me since to say that he "can't believe you thought that. I haven't opened it for ages and someone I had spoken to before we got together had left some messages. She's got kids and doesn't even live in the UK any more and was just asking how I am"

I pulled him up on the obvious lie as I've seen him on Skype for weeks now, and he's then admitted that he's spoken to some women that he used to speak with, and had told them that he was in a happy relationship and wasn't interested"

I told him that if that was the case, then fair enough but the fact that he felt the need to hide it hurt.

I think it's been more than he's letting on, and that he's been sexting them, but knowing him as I do, now I've caught him in the act he'll stop.

I just worry that the sexting/watching of porn is taking over so much of his time that it's going to end badly, and I desperately don't want it to. I love him and feel that there must be a way through this.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking by posting here, but just wanted to get it out in the open, as I clearly can't talk to close friends or family about this, and get some perspective from you lovely MNetters.

I know there will be a lot of LTB responses, but I won't be doing that. This is definitely salvageable, but I just could do with knowing I'm not going mad.

If you're still with me, thanks for reading!

I think it's been more than he's letting on, and that he's been sexting them, but knowing him as I do, now I've caught him in the act he'll stop.

For how long? He sounds like a moody teenager rather than a Husband; you've caught him out, he's petulant and sulky, stops doing it temporarily and returns to it once he thinks you've forgotten. I'm not an LTB-er at all but I'm not sure how it's salvageable when he just repeats the same disrespectful behaviours behind your back and offers nothing in return.

For me, sexting would cross a line. Your battle lines are your own to draw but that's where I'd be thinking about packing up and pissing off because, to me, it's cheating.

Not sure if I agree that your relationship is "definitely salvageable" I'm afraid. Your partner has checked out and is already out the door and down the hall. Your sex life is zero. He's communicating with other women. He's obsessed with porn. And to top it off, he is lying to you practically every time his mouth is open.

This is what you want for your future? Really? I think you deserve much better, and it's a shame to stay in a relationship mostly because it's what you're accustomed to. Just because you still might love him does not mean this relationship is viable.

If he refuses to change and deal with his lack of emotional investment in you, I hope you won't waste any more of your precious time.

Oh I agree about the sexting. It’s as good as cheating and will make him aware of that.

And you’re probably right about him doing it again in the future too, but I’m hoping this is going to be a huge shock to him to realise he’s risking losing me if he doesn’t sort himself out.

I didn’t make it clear in my op as I was so focussed on getting that essay out, but overall we’re very happy. We get on fantastically, I consider him my best friend as well as my partner. I don’t want to give that up without knowing that I’ve done everything in my power to make this right again.

Why do you think the success of your relationship is based on what YOU need to do? You have no power over how he chooses to behave. That is all on him. Don't even think of taking on the responsibility of his actions.

Sorry, op, but a real best friend would never treat you this way.

Your determination is great in not wanting to throw this away. But he needs to match you in word and deed or you're throwing away yet more of your time, love and energy on someone who is draining you and giving nothing back.

Sexting isn't as good as cheating. It simply is cheating. It's disloyal and disrespectful and if I'm perfectly honest I just don't know that it's salvageable when one party behaves so poorly towards the other. He shouldn't have to be reminded that he might lose you in order to value you.

YANBU but you appear to be under reacting. I would have pulled him up on this behaviour ages ago.

What does he say about not wanting sex? I would say if he would rather wank to porn that have sex with you, surely the relationship is over? Or do you not mind having a sexless relationship where he is using porn and possibly sexting other women? You appear to have very low standards. Is there a reason for that from your past?

but knowing him as I do, now I've caught him in the act he'll stop

Maybe, but as he hasn’t acknowledged your hurt especially it’ll eat away at you.

You love him so you will compromise what you’ll put up with and you’ll compromise again after that. Then you’ll end up anxious, needy and clingy without understanding why.

He’s dismissed your feelings and even if he does stop and never do it again that simple fact will erode your self worth.

Thank you all, you’ve helped give me the perspective I needed. And you do all talk sense!

HPB - yes, there is a bit of history to this from previous relationships of mine as to why I’m reacting how I am.

I’m not an overtly sexual person, hence why I don’t mind him watching porn. I don’t need or desire it as much as he wants it.

You’ve all given me the clarity to know I’ve got to have this out with him and put all the cards on the table. He’ll deny sexting and has said he’s going to delete the Skype app (I’ve already removed it from our PC). Which is why I’m kicking myself for saying something before he went out as he’ll delete it before he comes home and I won’t be able to check what the messages said. If I’d confronted him later I could have demanded he show me if they were all so innocent.

And yes, the “if you’d rather watch porn than have sex with me” line will be used.

A friend used to do counselling for AA, and one of the many books he had was named something like "How to deal with an addiction to internet porn".

My partner and I have experienced similar, but it was me with the sex chat addiction. Your partner’s behaviour sounds similar to mine. The denial, the secrecy and the lies. For context, there was a sexual and emotional void in my relationship and I thought sex chats were a “harmless” way of filling that void. They’re obviously not and truly are an addiction, plus there’s the complication of emotions and feelings getting involved. Thankfully I saw the light, told my partner, explained my behaviour, asked for forgiveness and that we could work on our relationship together. I had counselling to understand why I did what I did.

As others have said you need to confront him and demand honesty. You are absolutely owed that. He needs to explain his actions. You can then make a decision as to whether you can forgive him and work together or whether you tell him to do one

Sorry, posted too soon, meant to say it is an addiction like any other, and needs to be treated if that's what it is, and if you want to save the relationship.

Is he in the same room as you when he is on Skype, surely he isn't up to anything untoward if you are there?

Thanks Juells. I actually googled this earlier and may show him the website I found. The “symptoms” it listed were very familiar.

Yes he is Sweeney... I just don’t know. He may be chatting innocently, but if he is, then why does he have to hide it? I have male friends that I chat to and he knows that. I don’t have issues with him chatting with people. I do have issues with him keeping them a secret and lying to me about them.

Is he in the same room as you when he is on Skype, surely he isn't up to anything untoward if you are there?

This is not true. I dated someone once (makes my stomach churn to remember it) who was, unbeknownst to me, wanking on webcam with strangers at my mother's house whilst we were staying there. These people have 0 shame about when and where these things happen.

OP, this is undoubtedly the tip of the iceberg I am sorry to say. The person I was talking about, I KNEW he was up to something but could never find anything when snooping. Why? He had an entire secret email address that he used to log into skype, online sex chats etc etc. It's absolutely cheating and it will drive you insane because they are so devious and excellent at hiding things. It's up to you if you want to battle with this for the rest of your life - I didn't, but I am sure some people do. It will be a battle though.

But if you were sat in the same room surely you saw him walking?

wanking not walking auto correct lol

sweeneytoddsrazor

They can be having sex chats in front of you and then go next door to wank.

You should have seen some of the autocorrects in my op originally. I clearly don’t type a lot of these words often!

No, doesn’t do that in the same room but doesn’t mean to say he’s not having those sorts of conversations and as crispy said he can either go somewhere else or re-read the messages later.

our sexual relationship has dwindled to absolutely nothing. He used to instigate a lot of it, but he's not done it for ages. I've tried instigating it, but he doesn't respond

but you want sex less than him? So what's his excuse for turning you down when you do instigate?

We get on fantastically, I consider him my best friend as well as my partner

And yet you have mismatched sex drives and an unfulfilled sex life?

I think he may have mentally moved his sex life elsewhere, OP. And he's really not your best friend, not any more.

So... an update as I had it out with him.

Long story short, he hasn’t been sexting. Inappropriate to not tell me who he was texting but that’s all it was. I have seen the messages.

He has, however, come to the realisation that he has a problem with porn. I told him I’d seen him watching it with me in the room and he couldn’t deny it. I asked him if he had a problem with it. He looked a bit sheepish, then I asked if he thought he could go through tomorrow without watching it. I saw the look of realisation dawn on his face as it at clicked in to place.

We talked it out and he’s acknowledged he’s been a dick, basically! He now realises it’s got out of hand and is manning up. He has said he will go and see someone if he can’t kick it himself.

I also told him that if things didn’t improve, he may come home one day and find I’ve left him. He was visibly shaken by that, so we’ll see. Only time will tell, and it’s not going to be smooth running all the way, but I’m hopeful that we’ll get through it.

Thanks to everyone though. Your comments helped me grow a backbone to confront the issue, rather than continuing to sweep it under the rug like I have been.