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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this friendship isn't sustainable? (Title edited by MNHQ)

22 replies

waffleswithnutella · 13/05/2018 15:14

I'm turning to the wisdom of MN for this one! Long post because I wanted to give the context!

Can you really be good friends with someone when you don't agree with their life choices?

I have a really good friend of around 16 years (we are both in our early 30's) who I love to bits but we are total opposites.

I really try not to judge her for the choices she makes in her life and accept her for who she is and feel that our friendship is based on other parts of her personality -we are there for each other through everything, we talk literally everyday etc, we live locally and kids play date together.

She used to have lots of one night stands (all of this happens when kids are with their DF) but this was mainly due to drink/drugs. Now she doesn't take drugs and doesn't drink as much, but she's meeting men, ends up sleeping with them very very soon, falls for them and gets down when they disappear or the other consequences of sleeping around happens. I don't sleep around or go on wild nights out, don't take drugs and am very selective with men but and but I kind of believe people have the right to live how they please (to an extent), if it makes them happy. It's not making her happy though.

I have accepted her for who she is and also understand that she has self esteem issues which is a big factor in her choices.

We spoke this morning and she said she had just got in - she met someone out last night and slept with him. When she said that, while I didn't say I disagreed with her actions, my tone and silence obviously gave away how I felt about that and she said made the point that it's not affecting my life so why does it bother me, then she got off the phone. Queue another 'friendship break' (which I think is necessary too!).

I know it's not affecting my life but I can't helping feeling exasperated and tired of the whole cycle happening again and I guess maybe I am starting to just get tired of it all. Last week there was a different issue over another man and she swore she was staying away from men, and another one a few weeks before that. When is she going to learn? Will she ever?

I'm really trying to better my life right now and I feel like her dramas are mentally draining and not what I want to be giving brain time to. I care deeply for her but I feel that she brings on all this emotional drama into her life and just doesn't learn - this is probably the sixth time this year. We have had four mini 'friendship breaks' this past year where we have had disagreements over her decisions and I haven't been able to hide my reaction or I say what I think about the situation and it offends her.

We both have agreed before that value our overall friendship too much to not be friends and understand that we have to accept each other for our different view points but now I'm just thinking, what's the point? Does the bad outweigh the good?

AIBU to think that we cannot remain friends? If our differences are going to constantly clash and we have to take 'friendship breaks' and always hold our tongue then it's not a real friendship..? What do I say to her?

Agghh this is stressful because I really do love her and can't talk to anyone in real life because I don't want to spread her business!

OP posts:

Original poster

waffleswithnutella · 13/05/2018 15:16

*To think this ...

OP posts:

ArtBrut · 13/05/2018 15:18

she's meeting men, ends up sleeping with them very very soon, falls for them and gets down when they disappear or the other consequences of sleeping around happens.

What are 'the other consequences of sleeping around', OP?

lindyhopy · 13/05/2018 15:23

I think you should remain friends but keep a bit of distance and agree not to talk about relationships at least for a while. It is exhausting to keep listening to friends' drama when they keep making the same mistakes.

Original poster

waffleswithnutella · 13/05/2018 15:24

There's been unwanted pregnancy which was miscarriaged and a couple STI's. She doesn't always wear protection when drunk.

It sounds awful when I write it but she is a lovely person as a friend!

OP posts:

PuppetOnAString · 13/05/2018 15:27

I had a friend who had frequent one night stands (I have no problem with this) but would always spend the few days afterwards contacting them over and over and then lamenting to me about how they never contacted her blah blah. It got very tiresome. If you can’t deal with it only being a ONS then don’t have them. It’s exhausting.

Dancingmonkey87 · 13/05/2018 15:30

None of my friends sex life is anything to do with me and my friendships aren’t based around their sexual private life.

wildgarlicflowers · 13/05/2018 15:34

You sound so judgemental op, your long silences are saying everything without words. Can you not try to be more lighthearted? Something like glad you are having fun and move onto another subject, or when it has gone wrong do the same remind her there will be others and she will be fine. Don’t take it all on, it’s not your job to do a risk assessment or to judge her for her choices. It is her life op.

In some ways she is right to enjoy herself before she gets old and past it, why not have fun? She isn’t hurting anyone and even if she is emotionally invoked then she is grown up she can deal with it.
Why are you choices better?

You will lose her if you continue because she will stop talking to you

SandyY2K · 13/05/2018 15:37

I'd tell her you'd rather not know about her one night relationships, as it's hard for you to see her keep getting hurt.

Failing that...I'd pull back and be busy when she calls or texts.

RoseWhiteTips · 13/05/2018 15:39

ArtBrut

she's meeting men, ends up sleeping with them very very soon, falls for them and gets down when they disappear or the other consequences of sleeping around happens

What are 'the other consequences of sleeping around', OP?

You really had to ask?

MoseShrute · 13/05/2018 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JessicaJonesJacket · 13/05/2018 15:41

You can't change her so you need to decide what is most important to you: having her as a friend or trying to impose your values on her. She isn't asking for your advice.

I had a friend who continually lurched from drama to drama in her relationships. She also, always asked for advice . . . which she then ignored. I cooled the friendship because I realised I wasn't a good friend to her. I wanted her to stop asking for advice or to follow the advice I'd given. She wasn't going to do either and her constant dramas outweighed any benefits the friendship brought me. Ending the friendship was the right decision for me.

Original poster

waffleswithnutella · 13/05/2018 15:41

@wildgarlicflowers I know sound judgemental and maybe maybe I am judging her but not necessarily for what she's doing but for repeatedly doing something that will just bring her heart ache, tears and wasted energy.

OP posts:

CrazyAss · 13/05/2018 15:48

OP's friend isn't having fun though, is she? She's making damaging choices for herself and demanding a lot of support while refusing to work on helping herself.

I'm not judgy about ONS at all, but as a previously enthusiastic participant in casual sex I know that you have to be in a healthy headspace for it to be fun. And no one else can get you in that headspace. OP will forever be pouring energy into a problem which is outside her ability to fix.

holasoydora · 13/05/2018 16:11

I can understand the frustration of having to listen to the same dramas year in and year out. It's draining.

donquixotedelamancha · 13/05/2018 16:33

You sound so judgemental op

I'm not sure that's true. I think most of us have probably known someone who keeps making the same destructive choice and then moaning about it a lot and asking for advice they will just ignore.

I had a similar friend and (after a very long time) I responded by just taking the piss; i.e. suggesting the worst possible course of action with tongue firmly and obviously in cheek, knowing it was what she wanted to do anyway.

Surprisingly this worked a lot better than all the much more sensible advice and support I'd offered, though that is probably just coincidence.

wildgarlicflowers · 13/05/2018 16:34

Old and trusted friends are hard to come by just remember that

Pickleypickles · 13/05/2018 16:46

My best friend used to do my head in, she was the single most infuriating person i knew BUT everything that infuriated me were also kind of why i loved her - its what made her her. We were complete opposites and it was the best friendship i had. She died this year and i miss her every day. Dont throw a friendship away because she does some stuff you dont agree with.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 13/05/2018 16:50

I think the problem is not the sleeping around per se

It’s the fact that it’s making her so unhappy and dramatic afterwards ? She sounds like she is a bit of a sex addict (I hate that phrase ) but more addicted to the rush of meeting someone and then getting let down

It would drain me too . But you need to
Phrase it responsibly so it’s not abut the sex but abiut the self sabotage ?

Mousefunky · 13/05/2018 16:53

I think you want to believe you don’t judge or mind her lifestyle choices but in actual fact you do and that’s the issue.

My best friend since childhood has a hugely different life to mine. I had my DC young and have a career. He is gay, never wants children or to really settle down and never wants to be ‘bogged down’ with a career. He does have lots of casual sex and takes drugs recreationally. Our lives may be wildly different but it’s never caused me to resent him in any way as you seem to your friend.

I think you can maintain friendships with people from all walks of life but it won’t work if you believe you and your life are superior. You may subconsciously believe this but I think you do nevertheless.

Sweetieknots · 13/05/2018 16:54

It’s not the sex that’s the problem - it’s the endless “poor me” attitude that is draining.

Taking gender out of it: I used to have a bisexual male friend who was into casual sex/the fetish scene etc.

Lived in a different city so only saw each other long distance but communicated by email etc and after a while I had to just go NC?

It wasn’t that his sexuality or dating choices were the problem - it was the constant “I picked up a man in a car park and I felt so threatened, here are the explicit details, calm me down” messages that I found weird and intrusive on my own peace of mind after a while?

I mean maybe if someone broke up with their long term partner or if they wanted to have a “general conversation about dating” then I’d be happy to help, but I have my own problems and daily routine and I’m not wired up to be Instant Counselling on Text Demand?

The trouble with shows like Sex and the City is they normalised this adolescent narcissistic attention seeking mindset which makes “going on dates” some sort of excuse for self pity and drama.

A date is a meal out to see if you’re compatible with someone. Sure it’s a bit nerve wracking sometimes but if you’re socially mature it shouldn’t be drama laden.

If you can’t cope with dating without needing your friends to be available to psychologically “rescue” you 24/7 from the stress you shouldn’t be dating or you’re a needy attention seeking twat.

rumbelina · 13/05/2018 16:55

I think most of us have probably known someone who keeps making the same destructive choice and then moaning about it a lot and asking for advice they will just ignore.

I agree with this absolutely. It’s draining. And it doesn’t have to be about ONS, it just happens to be in this friendship. The friendship becomes very one sided IME when you’re just having the same conversations/dramas over again.

NewYearNewMe18 · 13/05/2018 17:10

From your OP It's not making her happy though.

Generally - note use of the word generally - happy people don't sleep around. Of course there are some genuinely promiscuous people out there but by and large women with path to self destruction have much bigger issues; self esteem, it's a victim complex, usually stemming from abusive childhood, seeking validation of worth, equating sex with love, DV and so forth.

Your friend is to be pitied really. Yes it's her life style choice but as you've said, she bounces from bloke to bloke (looking for affection?) and then when it all goes pear shaped the woe-is-me-Im-so-worthless persona comes out.

Until she learns to live with her past or get some form of therapy for what ever is going on, she will continue to do it.

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