to still be struggling so much

[somekindofgrief]

NC for this

My son was stillborn last year at full-term. I was doing so well until about a month or so ago, and suddenly I can't cope anymore.

I'm angry all the time. I hate walking past all the pregnant women and prams in my town, I want to be them so badly. I pretend to clean my glasses when I walk past because I can't see without them on.

It breaks my heart when I do see them. It should be me.

I can't talk to family, they don't understand and end up making me feel worse. I'm not allowed to just vent; they treat me as though I'm being ridiculous and so I have to keep everything bottled up.

I was part of a baby loss board but it's gone silent as most of the ladies are currently pregnant with rainbows. I want to be happy for them but I can't stop crying. I don't have anywhere to turn anymore.

I feel so stupid because there are others going through worse and coping so much better. AIBU for still finding this so hard nearly 9 months on?

No. You’re not unreasonable at all. I can’t imagine the levels of pain you must be in.

Oh bless you

No, yanbu. Not at all.

So sorry you are going through this, I think its normal to be sad still. Have you had any counselling, sometimes having someone you can chat to helps a bit.

Oh OP. It is still so raw and was such a short time ago. All of your emotions and reactions are so, so normal for a bereaved person. You must allow yourself to grieve. Have you been offered and counselling?

thank you guys.

I've actually had extensive counselling, but I've already called in with my old counsellor to see him this friday since I've been struggling so much, but for some reason that feels a long way away

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your time will come OP, I felt the same way after a miscarriage at 13 weeks, I know must be so much harder for you as you had more time to bond with your precious angel. I could not be happy for friends or family I just felt bitter and wanted to run out the room, but 3 years later I have finally been blessed and it has filled in that empty void in my life even though I will always think what could have been. Please be patient. You were given this life because you are strong enough to get through this

@mytise I'm sorry for your loss too, it's horrible isn't it. I'd not just had time to bond, but he'd been unwell so I fought week after week through the whole pregnancy. I wanted my son more than anything, I still do. It's unlikely either of my sisters will have kids soon, but not impossible so the fear still remains. Luckily my cousins are older and most have had all their kids already. I really don't know if I'm strong enough though.

OP! 9 months on is nothing. Of course you're not unreasonable or stupid or anything else you called yourself in that post.

You are grieving, grief doesn't have a limit, it is life-long and the only thing that changes is you slowly learn to live a new life around it. You are not the same person you were 9 months ago and that's ok. You should be allowed to grieve. What you have been through is horrific, unfair, heart-breaking. Of course you are allowed to feel anger, to resent and to feel bitter.

Do you have a partner to talk to?

I think it's good that you are looking to go back to your counsellor again. Even if you've had 'extensive' counselling, it doesn't mean you've had your fill and should stop. I had 2 years worth of counselling for my childhood and I could have had more.

Hugs to you.

It's sad to lose any family member but the loss of a child has to be overwhelming. I can't begin to understand your loss, but you have my utmost sympathy. It's not really that long since your son was born asleep, I hope you find comfort.

I left my partner after the loss as he had become increasingly EA and controlling, he would also regularly hit himself to the point of blood and threaten to commit suicide in front of me. This wasn't a direct result of losing our son, he'd already been horrible, it just escalated the situation. Sorry for the massive drip feed, didn't think it was entirely relevant to my OP.

One point about ex that is relevant though, is that after the split he tried to blame me for our son's genetic condition and said he didn't know why we continued with 'that child'. I blocked him after that.

YANBU, it is 11 years since I had my son who was born with a life threatening condition. It took me years to get over & even now hits me every now & again.

I can’t imagine how you feel & how you learn to process & deal with all the emotions you have but a year is definitely not long enough.

Be kind to yourself, seek help & have faith that you will come to terms with this devastating trauma you have been through in your own time.

So sorry, he sounds absolutely psychotic. I'm really sad for you that you have had to deal with that on top of everything else.

Bless you OP, I feel so sorry for you. My baby was born prem, she lived a day, I desperately wanted her to live, but it wasn't meant to be. Her death was thirty years ago, and I reacted the same as you do when seeing pregnant women. It took me a while, before I felt something like normal again. Time does soften the edges of the pain you feel, you'll never forget, but believe me, there will come a time, when mentally and physically, you will cope, it may not seem like it at the moment, but you will.

I'm so sorry for your loss I don't have any useful advice but I am saddened that your family aren't more supportive.

Sending hugs OP

YANBU. I’m so sorry for your loss.

No one is 'going through worse' than you. Loisng your child is the ultimate heartbreak. I'm so sorry this happened to you. YANBU - not at all. It's early days still.

Have you given yourself time to grieve really indulgently? I planted a tree in a pot after a miscarriage (not full term, but IVF so our hopes afte ryears of trying had been raised to the skies and then suddenly, just after announcing the news to the world - wham. I gave our baby a name and chose a tree I really loved and went out to talk to them. A lot. I have a friend who had a cot death. She built a massive shrine in her garden - a seat under a tree with garden ornaments and scented plants, where she went to chat to him. And she still lights candles and lays flowers on the dates of his birth and death. N

There is no tickbox timeline of when you should be over something like this. There is only you allowing yourself to process it exactly as you need and want to for as long as you need and want, either alone or with as much help as you need. The only advice I'd give is, if you do need help, it may need to be porfessional as we can get so disappointed when loved ones don't support us in the way we need, and that can add unnecessary stress to vital relationships. Better to talk with a counsellor and allow our loved ones to muddle through in their own way too.

I've done a lot to help myself grieve, I really was doing well until recently. I'm not sure what kicked it off but all the progress I made just became undone out of nowhere.

I've gotten a small tattoo with his birthday in roman numerals, I've got his photos all around the place, we did have a funeral and I've decorated his graveside (bought a fence to put up but that's been an issue with my DF) I go to visit every now and again (as much as I feel comfortable with)

I made a small clay model of him and was thinking of offering to do them for other mothers who lost babies (I really wanted something tangible and thought others might feel the same), and I'm planning a family meal for his 1st birthday though it's a little while away yet. My DM has a small part of her garden dedicated to him too.

Most recently, I took part in Sands Challenge 15 and cycled 15 miles, I managed to raise over £1,000 for them.

I've really put a lot of work into grieving and coming to terms with things, and I've gotten to that point where I accept my son isn't here and remember my pregnancy etc fondly. I can talk about it no problem. But the part where I have no child at all, I can't get past it. I don't think I ever will until I get my rainbow too and who knows when or if that will even happen.

I feel stupid for still feeling like this because 2 weeks after losing him I was visiting my DF asked him to change the channel because a woman was giving birth on the TV show he was watching and he got angry at me told me I needed to get over it already. That was only 2 weeks, it's been nearly 9 months and I still can't watch these things.

Does it help to talk about your DS? Happy to listen here if you would like to tell us. I think all that you have done so far is incredible - you are amazing.

OP I can’t imagine the pain. Years and years of infertility here. I’ve had two early losses along the way but not a stillbirth. I don’t have experience of your pain but I know the deep, searingly raw pain that accompanies the longing for a baby.

I understand the isolation and wish I had some suggestions for you.

As a PP has said, would it help to talk to us about your beloved boy? Feel free to PM.

You have been through so much: the death of your lovely baby and splitting with your ex (who sounds vile).

I'm sorry you haven't got adequate support from your family but people deal with grief in strange ways. Please keep talking if it helps.

I'm actually okay with how often I speak about my son, but thank you all for the lovely offers. I'll keep them in mind for sure, I really appreciate it.

Normally when I try to talk to my family it's about the other things that upset me, like I've picked the one day to go in town that every which newborn baby is there or yet another pregnancy has been announced.

I just want to vent sometimes and they overly play devils advocate for whatever I'm talking about. It makes me feel like I'm stupid, or that they think I don't understand. I'm very aware that I can't help the number of newborn babies in the town centre, or that people are happy they're pregnant, but that doesn't make me any less upset about any of it. I just want to get it off my chest.

The end result of this is usually that I feel even more upset because I don't get to air out my feelings, I feel put down by their remarks, and then I bottle up my feelings instead. So I end up feeling unsupported, silly, irrational and alone and I've got nowhere to share it.

I guess that's what led me to create this thread because I don't have anyone else I can speak to and get these thoughts out of my head.

My ex is absolutely vile though, that's true. He also gambled all of my money and stole from me. What a peach. Thankfully got my stuff back, but the money is gone forever. I went back to work after 6 weeks because we had nothing thanks to his habits. Been working hard ever since to get my finances back on track. I'm paying off some pretty big debts that were stupidly only in my name. Life hasn't been the kindest to me these last few years.

Oh OP, I just want to give you a hug. You've been through so much and nobody deserves this. It sounds like you have done so many positive and affirmative things to commemorate your son and to grieve in the way you need to. Please don't feel like you should be over it, or doing better. It will still take time for you

Thank you @bridesmaidinchief

Sadly seems not many people feel the same way. My family know everything I've been through and still give me a hard time. My DF in particular. Everyone just expects me to be 'normal' again now but I don't understand how I can be, I've lost a part of myself in more ways than one.

Is there a local support group where you can meet people face to face who have been through the same terrible experience? I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. I hope you get the support you need and find love and happiness in the future.

@BlueSuffragette There's a local Sands but so far every meet has clashed with existing plans. Though I'm not keen on their group meeting set up, I'd really prefer if it was 1:1 support. Seems a bit like Alcoholics Anonymous for those who have lost a baby I saw a grief counsellor for a while but she didn't help much. When I missed my last appointment she ignored my text, so that says it all really.