to be annoyed with best friend and/or her @ssh*le of a husband? *Long sorry*

[BibiThree]

A few weeks ago we arranged for her to come up for the weekend (she lives about 100 miles away) and we had the option of this weekend (coming) or last. I said it was her choice as this weekend is her birthday weekend and her husband may have had something planned (b'day isn't until Tues though).
After consulting him, she picked this weekend as it suited him better anway - FA Cup final Sat and he's off to Wembley on Sun. They have a car which she pays half for but has never driven and whenever she drives anywhere without husband, she borrows her Mum's car - even if theirs is sat outside the house. Various excuses have been bandied about over the years, she's not confident enough to drive it yet, husband may need it etc. Usually when she visits, he drives her up one day, goes home and comes back for her the next day or she gets the train.
The plan this weekend was that she'd borrow her Mum's car and brave the motorway but if her Mum's car failed it's MOT I assumed she would bring their car as husband will be in all day Sat watching footie and probably having a few drinks and is on a bus trip from early on Sun. He said he will need the car to do things on Saturday morning - but her Mum's car has failed the MOT, badly and can't be driven.
He has said she isn't allowed to take their car.
She has paid half for this car, including half the insurance and running costs, MOTs, services, etc. He convinced her to part-ex her own car in order to get it so they could share this one - which they don't.
His suggestion now is that he drives her up on Saturday, watches the FA Cup in our house with my dh (who doesn't like him either and anyway had planned to go to mate's house so me and best friend could have time together)then drive her back in the evening.
I'm annoyed on lots of levels

• that best friend is okay with this and is prepared to cut her and my weekend short so as not to inconvenience him
• at his presumption that dh will want to spend the afternoon with him
• that the essential things he'd need the car for on Saturday morning no longer matter as he'll be driving to Wales anyway
• that he actually said she's "not allowed" to have the car for the weekend. What say wise Mumsnetters? Why am I so bl**dy annoyed about this? It's her marriage and not my place to say anything, but it just gets me mad that his word is final and she just goes along with it.

I'd tell her that your dh has plans & that her dh is a cunt

And arrange for her to take the keys whilst her dh is still asleep and go visit you

I don't really understand why your friend is listening to him!!!!

If it's half her car then she should just take it and stuff him.

She needs to get some balls and stand up to him and he needs to realise there are two people in the relationship.

I totally understand why you are annoyed but your friend sounds a bit feeble. If my dh tried to talk to me like that, well... he wouldn't be able to Father any more kids

I'd say that my dh has plans already. I could do that, and I'm a wuss.

yes, I think their relationship is in an appalling state, but I always get these things wrong - the friends of mine i think will split up always stay together.

She is only thinking of what will prevent him being in a grump - I hope he is not violent but his emotional states, deliberately or not, are controlling her.

You can only control your behaviour but you/your dh certainly don't have to host him.

Stand your ground and they will find another way. At least she can still sometimes get away without him.

Gawd that OP made me mad!!!

What a child. "Not allowed". Good grief.

My gut reaction is to say your DH has plans - why should you go along with this? Course it may mean you don't get to see her. TBH I don't know what I would do - my sis is in a similar relationship and I don't know what to do about her either. Very frustrating.

Did she tell you she is "not allowed" to have the car? Did she use those words to describe her DH to you? That is pretty revealing imho.

Change the weekend to another so she cantell himwhenshe will be taking thecar

Thank you! I have always disliked him and tried really hard over the last 5 years to give him chances and get to know him, but he is just a prize prck.
Before she got together with him, he was engaged to her best friend from school and she hated him. She even had a derogatory nickname for him and was going to turn down her friend's request that she be bridesmaid at their wedding becuase she hated him so much. Apparently he's misunderstood and quite shy. Yes, a misunderstood and shy knbnead methinks.

There have been a lot of things like this over the years including her having to provide him with receipts for any purchases from the "joint" account - which was actually just his account which she had her wages paid into when they got married. Okay, it was passed off as him being in charge of the money and budgeting but he demanded receipts from her in front of me once for the grand and very extravagant purchase of a CHRISTMAS CARD - for HIS mother! And he took cash out of the cashpoint to give to her for the shopping becuase it wasn't in joint names and she didn't have a card. Emabrassing and unnecessary imo. Especially as until recently she had earned significantly mroe than him.

I've mentioned in the past when they've had rows etc, that from what she tells me she is always the one to compromise and back down and he always gets his spoiled only child Mummys' boy way, but she seems content to go along with it and pander to him.

How can I stop it bothering me so much? I care about her and don't want her treated like a second class citizen in her own marriage, but on the other hand, she chooses to let him treat her like that, so anything I say or do will just be sh*t stirring.

Bloomin eck he sounds a pain in the proverbials.

The non-driving thing always gets to me like a rash. Fair enough if it's a green/financial/not interested choice. But so often it's some form of prevention of independence, or selfishness by somebody else. I'll never forget my best friend's father refusing to teach her to drive in case she damaged his car. He prized his car over his daughter's independence and and ability to get around. he's dead so nil nisi bonum mortuis or whatever (sorry, failed Latin) but it was the wrong decision and a disgrace.

You could say something about the non-driving, I think. Why not give her an Advanced Motorists' Course for her birthday? Controlling but she'll be used ot it?

Yes, her email to me last night used the words "won't let me have the car for the weekend".

I didn't want to spoil her birthday weekend because of him and say not to come, but I just have. I emailed her back and (childishly) said that we'd forget it this time and pick another weekend more convenient for her husband. She seems perfectly fine with it and has suggested that they come up after Bank Holiday (on a weekend he's not got plans) and bring their double air bed so they can both stay over! Our spare room is a nursery now for our imminent twins so we don't have a double bed any more, but were borrowing a single for this weekend to squish in the room for her to stay.

We've been great mates since we met 10 years ago at Uni and since we left, we've always had our weekends together about 4 times a year. To be fair to my dh, he's always stayed out of the way when she visits because he knows we don't see each other a lot and when we do, time is precious, especially as soon I will have 3 little ones and very little time. When I go down there, we have to do everything with her dh. We go out for meals with him, he tags along if we go shopping or to the pictures (so he can drive rather than her taking the car and rather than her getting in my car which he has no control over).
I'm just finding it a bit suffocating, and like she can't do anything without him. Part of me thinks she's just trying to get us all to be great mates (as he doesn't have many) and that's nice, but he's just not that nice a person and I get the feeling he thinks of me as a very bad influence - filling her mindy with un-wifely ideas and notions of freedom!

You should tell that her that you would prefer it if she came on her own, so you could have a really girlie weekend etc...

you don't need to tell her that you think her DH is a f*ckwit, just milk the girlie bit, and that you find it nice to have some female company etc....

My DH is the same as yours, clears off (with DD) when I have my best mate around, and he really likes her (and vica versa) just knows that I like a bit of girlie chat without him around...

Having a DH tagging along on a girlie weekend is a real no-no IMO. Tell him so.

It's all about controlling every aspect of another person's life, and as she is your friend you are quite right to be upset about it. It is tricky, though because any comments you make could be construed a shit-stirring, and you don't want to drive a wedge between you and your friend. That would suit the arsehole husband very nicely. That is how they work - intimidate other friends out of their DP's life until only they remain, thus creating an inescapable dependency.

Keep it to light-hearted teasing about him being a gooseberry on a girlie weekend.... tell him he has to wear make up and heels.

If all else fails... ask him in a serious voice 'have you always preferred going out with girls... do you relate to them better than blokes? Do you have trouble interacting with other men then?'

That sort of thing.

Shame him into buggering off.

I'd love to do the light-hearted teasing part, but he doesn't have the type of personality that would respond in any way. He'd probably just mumble something under his breath and walk off. Not that I ever really get to speak to him - we email every day and occasionally call each other.

It was always meant to be a girls weekend, we only ever have those (unless I go there and we do everything with him) - we once went down to theirs as a family but had booked a hotel and it was more of a casual "we're in the area going to x y and z places, so shall we call in for a day to see you?" visit rather than a "shall we all come and stay and bring our own bed?" one.

The tone of her latest email suggests that she's either
a. resigned to the fact that she's only coming if he brings and fetches her
b. she's subtly telling me she doesn't want to spend time anywhere without him
I just don't know what to think.

The "inescapable dependency" sounds a scarily accurate description GOH - he's successfully curtailed her spending and her access to transport - everything financial is done through him and he keeps her in the dark about most things so basically she is dependent on him. Yet in other ways he's like a little prince at home - doesn't get out of bed until he hears the kettle on, comes down to tea, toast and lemon curd waiting for him on the breakfast table etc. He's never made his own packed lunch for work let alone made her one, even when he's on holiday and she's still working. He's never even cooked a meal for them both. I'm not saying he forces her to do these things, but she's let it get to the point where she does and he doesn't and that's just the way it is. When she (rarely) challenges him the excuses and emotional stuff comes out and she feels guilty for making him feel inadequate and upsetting him.

Grrrrr! Sorry, I'm just so, so annoyed by him and her for letting him be that way!

can you email her and ask if there is any way you can make it a girls only weekend?

Jesus, he sounds like a complete arse. Mind you, maybe she's happy buying into that 'Surrendered Wife' type of concept, how does she seem generally?

Hello are we back in 1949 here, or even 1849 ?

Stifling or what ?

Just ask her straight - 'wouldn't you prefer a girly weekend cos i would.'

Then wait for her response.

If it were my dp he would of spent the night in that car.

Why cant she get the train again.

Tell her to hire one, then tell dh she is going alone as planned.

Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors, maybe secretly she wants him to come but will never admit it.

You are annoyed because as an outsider you can all too clearly the controlling behaviours. Unfortunately many women in controlling relationships find it very difficult to exit such things even if they do know that there are control issues. Also such men rarely give up their victims easily and without a fight.

I would give her a copy of "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. At the very least I would suggest you read it. He writes about controlling relationships and your friend is unfortunately well and truly in such an abusive relationship.

From painful experience of watching a couple of my friends go through the same thing all you can do is offer support and encouragement. You cannot tell them anything, they have to figure it out for themselves.

My friend has finally got out of her controlling relationship with her soon to be ex husband (who sounds awfully like your friends husband particularly with regards to the car comment). She was also "not allowed" to drive her OWN car let alone twat features (our name for him) car.

Lemon curd for breakfast?

Anyway. You've done well not being kept out of her life - try and hang on in there if you can.

(She's with my xh, I know it).