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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School problem

26 replies

Winduptorch · 12/05/2018 20:16

Hi, first time posting so please be gentle! My son is in year 10, he recently started seeing this girl in year 8, there is only 13 months age gap, if she was born a few days early sh e would be in year 9. ( hope that makes sense) since then in school my son has been called names such as nonce and peado, I've been in touch with the school a couple of times and they've spoken to my son and addressed name calling and bullying in assembly as my son didn't want the teacher to talk to them directly as he said it would make things worse. Yesterday I got a text from him saying I might get a call from school, I replied back but got no answer from him. He came home and said he was talking in break time with his friends and gf when a year 8 boy come up from behind and with a finger pushed it in towards my son's backside (obviously he was wearing trousers ) he done it again and each time my son turned around and told him to go away, but not that politely, he then done it a third time much harder and actually hurt my son as his aim was spot on, my son run after him pulled him down and kicked him.
My son went into school and a teacher told him to take 10 minutes to calm down, my son didn't tell the teacher what the boy had done, he just assumed they had a argument /fight as the teacher is aware of the name calling. I'm going into school Monday morning to speak to the head. I know I'm not BU but as this is the only thread I read I just wanted other people's opinions and if anyone can give me some advice on how I should expect the school to deal with this. I should add even though my son was upset and hurt he was much more upset that he kicked someone,

OP posts:

DadDadDad · 12/05/2018 20:30

I can sympathise (we've had situations at school where the details are not the same as yours but where there's some echoes for me to have an idea how you're feeling).

I feel the only way to go is to both encourage your son to be honest about happened (and apologise for anything he did wrong in how he reacted) but also stick up for your son - be his advocate (as sometimes we find the school is under pressure from the parents of the other child involved to pin the blame elsewhere and be seen to dishing out strong punishments).

And keep asking the head what they are going to do next: "what is the school doing to make sure this doesn't happen again and that my son feels safe is school?"

Original poster

Winduptorch · 12/05/2018 21:16

Thanks daddad, I will tell the head that I don't condone what he done, but I think that was the last straw for my son, will be asking what they are going to do about this and the name calling. I have asked my son if he wants me to look into home schooling or at least part time but he said no,

OP posts:

SprayingMonsters · 12/05/2018 21:21

I know it is too late now, but you should have told your son to keep the “relationship” private. We’ve all experienced being in secondary school and a boy dating a girl two years younger than him isn’t deemed as cool.

NewYearNewMe18 · 12/05/2018 21:30

School children can be very regimented in what is an acceptable relationship. It's just not the done thing to have more than one school year gap. The actual age difference is irrelevant, as you've shown, if their birthdays were at the other end of the school year you could have a one school year difference with a 23 month age gap and nothing would be said. Or a 13 month age gap spanning two school years and the teasing starts. Those are just standard teen parameters..

School has to deal with the bullying, the other boy touching your son, its inappropriate and if you want to make a real fuss it's sexual harassment/inappropriate sexual touching. Anyway, check the school website, there should be a policy on bullying, read it, and quote it back.

Original poster

Winduptorch · 13/05/2018 00:12

I have told him to keep his relationship separate from school, to just see her after school and on a weekend. Think the school knew about the pair of them before I did! Will be reading up on their school policies before I go there. Will also mention harassment to them

OP posts:

AlexanderHamilton · 13/05/2018 00:16

Your son has been sexually assaulted. You would be within your rights to call the police. I would phone on Monday & ask to speak to the Safeguarding lead.

Allthewaves · 13/05/2018 00:35

Your so not has been treated badly but tbh even in my day if a year 8 was seeing a year 10 there would have been a heck of a lot of comments, slagging and teasing. Kids don't see ages just year groups.

bunbunny · 13/05/2018 06:58

Tell the school they are failing to safeguard your son and as a result he was sexually assaulted by a Y8 boy, and what are they going to do to safeguard him going forward?

Get this in writing to them - preferably before you talk to them, say you’re coming in to discuss, and will follow up after the discussion, but get that phrase to them in writing before you have the meeting with them so it changes the focus of the meeting from being about your ds kicking a younger kid to being about your ds eventually reacting to repeated extreme provocation and sexual assault - a very different premise the teachers need to have and one that should hopefully work much better in your ds’s favour.

Safeguarding seems to be the magic word to use - schools apparently have a legal obligation to report any issues regarding safeguarding whereas they don’t with words like assault, bullying etc - even if your talking about the same incident.

Are there any witnesses and/or cctv to corroborate what happened?

Does your ds want to go down the police route for the other boy? How well do you think the school will take it? It’s worth considering and knowing in advance if it’s a route that you want to go down... even if it’s talking to them on 101 for advice before the meeting and even if it’s just that they will give the boy a warning.

On a separate note, does your ds know any of relationship between a y10 dc and a y9 dc (or I guess between a y11 and a y 10) where the gap is bigger than 13 months and closer to 23 months that other kids in the school don’t have an issue with? So that he can turn around and say that if they have an issue with a 13 month gap then he hopes they’re going to be talking to xx and yy who have an age gap that’s nn months so much bigger.

MaisyPops · 13/05/2018 07:07

School need to respond to this incident.

I don't think you could say 'but you've done nothing about name calling and now look what's happened' as your son asked the school not to speak to the perpetrators.

Equally (and maybe I'll get lynched for this), a year 10 and a year 8 is still a sizable gap. Whilst you say it's only 13 months, that's almost irrelevant as students work in year groups so students tend to have more in common and be at a similar emotional maturity as their year group. There is often a maturity and social awareness jump between year groups. Every school I've worked in a KS4 student dating in KS3 would have been the subject of gossip. Thinking to a years time, if a y9 and y11 were in a relationship then that would be flagged as safeguarding for them both.

As I say, school need to follow up and deal with what has happened and it should be taken seriously, but it was perhaps naive not to see an issue with a y8/10 relatiobship.

Original poster

Winduptorch · 13/05/2018 12:58

Thanks for your messages, will be going into school in the morning. Think I must have been naive about the gap in school years, never had to deal with BF and gf with my kids, my older girls were 17 and 20 when they had their first bf's! Thanks again for the advice

OP posts:

Eastcoastmost · 13/05/2018 13:11

Go to the police. Your son was assaulted.

Racecardriver · 13/05/2018 13:14

Tell the head that your son is sorry for what happened but he was acting in self defence after being sexually assaulted.

AlexanderHamilton · 13/05/2018 13:51

You see I don’t think that age gap is that unusual. Girls seem to mature earlier so often go for boyfriends a bit older as they find their peers a bit juvenile still.

lanbury · 13/05/2018 14:14

You need to log this in writing at the very least with school. It's not acceptable to have an incident like this brushed aside. A similar thing happened to my DS a few years back when boy touched him inappropriately. It doesn't matter what caused it, it's still physical assault so the situation with your son and the younger girl is irrelevant. It's just an excuse and shouldn't happen. In our case school did take it seriously as my son and I approached the school as DS had hit the other boy quite hard, which really worried DS as it's not in his nature. The school knew nothing of the incident, it hadn't been reported presumably because the other boy knew he was the one in the wrong they actually referred the matter to social services, who did follow it up.

spunkymom22 · 13/05/2018 14:36

Getting the other boy down and then kicking him sends red flags up for me. I agree completely that the other boy attacked your son sexually, and your son needed to defend himself, but what he actually did is disproportionate, IMO. Be careful here; your son needs to learn what is acceptable self-defense and what is not. There are limits even to self-defense.

Original poster

Winduptorch · 13/05/2018 14:44

Thanks to the last 4 posters, ( My first post and don't know how to highlight names) I'm glad that people can see past the year gap, I never knew it was a grey area. I assumed that because he's 14 and she's 13 it wouldn't be a problem. Lanbury, we seem to have a very similar incident, this also was reported by either boy, the boy didn't because I suppose he would've had to say why my son hit him, and my son was embarrassed and didn't know how to word what happened and like your son was upset about his reaction as it's such out of character for him.
If I'm told by reception I can't see the head then I will say I'll go to the police instead, hope that will make them listen and I'll see him, thank you all x

OP posts:

MaisyPops · 13/05/2018 14:47

alexander
It's pretty unusual in my experience. Y9/10 less unusual. Year 8s are often viewed by y10/11s as being essentially year 7s (which socially and emotionally they are).

If I look at my y8 class and my y10 class, there's a huge difference between the most mature y8 and the least mature y10 in terms of social maturity, emotional maturity, wider knowledge of the world, naivity, knowledge of how to conduct relationships, experience in relationships etc.
A year 8 being in relationships with y10/11 students would be a red flag. They may be more mature than most boys in their year, but that doesn't come close to putting them on a level with ks4 students.

I agree with spunky. The other boy has assaulted your son. School should deal with it severely.
I think you're right OP not to condone your son's reaction. There is a difference between self defence and snapping and being violent to a much younger student way beyond reasonable self defence

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 13/05/2018 15:14

If I'm told by reception I can't see the head then I will say I'll go to the police instead, hope that will make them listen and I'll see him

It's pretty standard to have to make an appointment to see the Head. I wouldn't necessarily threaten to go to the Police just because the Head can't drop everything and see you right away. What if they're already in a meeting with another parent or if they're off site?

rainingcatsanddog · 13/05/2018 15:36

A y8 going out with a y10 would attract teasing here too. One year difference wouldn't be so bad but there would be some teasing.

The school needs to know how serious the initial assault was so that the boy can be punished.

billybagpuss · 13/05/2018 15:51

Presumably if he was with friends and GF they can corroborate what happened.
Good luck tomorrow

AlexanderHamilton · 13/05/2018 16:20

The head may not be available & may not be the right person anyway. There will be a Safeguarding lead on the premises.

FriendlyOcelot · 13/05/2018 16:37

It’s interesting how much of a cultural shift has taken place over the last decade or two wrt age gap relationships. Boys seem to be much more aware of the illegality of underage sex and at my dds’ school it is seen as a social taboo for any boy to go out with a girl who is a year or two below him.

SoupDragon · 13/05/2018 16:50

Go to the police. Your son was assaulted.

And he has assaulted the other boy. I think you need to forget about the whole “assault” thing as neither of them are innocent.

Clearly the school needs to punish both the boys. I’m not sure how they’d go about stopping the name calling and harassment but that is the angle you need to be coming from.

Eastcoastmost · 13/05/2018 22:22

Of course he didn’t assault the other boy in the true sense of the word. He acted in self defence! And so he should have done, IMO. It was likely more reflex than anything too.

I also don’t get why people are trying to censor a perfectly normal relationship between two teenagers. In other countries they’d be in school years that were before/after the other. No drama. 13 months sounds a perfectly acceptable age gap to me.

SoupDragon · 13/05/2018 22:59

Of course he didn’t assault the other boy in the true sense of the word. He acted in self defence!

He did not act in self defence by any stretch of the imagination. He ran after the boy, pulled him down and kicked him. That is assault in the true sense of the word.

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