Love baby but depressed around him

[ReallyWTF]

I have no idea what's going on with me.

I am Autistic and I have an 8 month old son. I love him and would die for him. But I do NOT like looking after him. When I'm in sole charge of him, my nerves are on edge, I feel restless. I am easily irritated by him. I panic when I can't figure out why he's unhappy.

It's not PND as when I'm not in sole charge of him, I am content most of the time. When I am alone and doing work I am happiest of all. So I do get significant stretches of happiness every day. But I'm just miserable when I look after him on my own :(

I know this is bizarre. What's going on?

Please don’t be too hard on yourself. Motherhood is often not what you expect and it’s the biggest life adjustment you’ll ever have. It’s perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed, anxious, scared, irritated through lack of sleep and so on. I would try to get into a routine (if you haven’t already) and make lots of plans for your days so you’re around other people. Visits, playgroups, whatever just get out and keep busy.
Also it doesn’t make you any less of a good mum if you prefer to go back to working full time. That’s a perfectly valid choice that many people prefer.

I definitely want to work fulltime but can't afford the childcare.

Childcare is a family expense

I dont think DP could afford to pay for fulltime childcare either.

Surely only rich families can afford to have both parents working fulltime? (I'm aware that sounds ironic).

Yes I agree. Due to the tax banding, working 3 days a week leaves me more money each month than if I worked full time on the same pay grade. My wage minus childcare is £10 per week.

It is a shock to the system. Having DC changes everything. How about finding time when DC is asleep to go through the household budget with DP?

It is not about one parent being able to "afford" childcare. It is about the well being of the family as a whole. Balancing the different needs and desires of all family members as positively as possible. So for many parents, having paid employment is boosting their quality of life (and protecting future career and earnings, which would contribute positively to the family). That is worth taking the financial hit of childcare in the short term.

To be blunt, what is the point of saving money at the expense of one's mental health? It is not sustainable.

I went back to work when DC was approx 10 months and it was such a relief, though it is a rollercoaster journey and at times I despaired that whatever I did seemed to be wrong. I am on a more even keel now 6 months in, but by no means do I get the balance right every day. In fact I am suffering with insomnia right now due to a huge cock up at work that is stressing me out to the point I want to quit!

The biggest mistake I have made/keep making is spreading myself too thin and neglecting self care (sleep and food!).

www.home-start.org.uk/

Home Start support many families every year in many ways OP. They can send trained, checked volunteer to you....the volunteer can care for the baby for a few hours to give you a rest at home... or help with housework or talk. They're a great organisation and they're there for anyone who they think they can help.

I dont think DP could afford to pay for fulltime childcare either.

Do a proper budget and work out what is possible.