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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be fuming at DH?

32 replies

megafatCEObaby · 12/05/2018 12:21

He took our 3 kids to the shops, one of them, DS ran off (3 years old) and he couldn't find him. According to DD they were going in different shops looking for him and then found him on the steps of a sweet shop. This was all because DS wanted sweets, so DH told him off THEN bought him the sweets.

How does that teach anything?! I'm fuming! And frankly sick of his poor choices like this every weekend. I've told him he's his dad not his friend and to try having some (any!) discipline and they wouldn't run rings around him.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/05/2018 12:33

Your husband ability to discipline properly is shit. YANBU. Rewarding your son for running away was a terrible choice. I'd be through the roof over the fact your 3 year old was allowed to get away. Does this happen often when your husband is "watching" him?

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 12/05/2018 12:41

Wow that's a really good example of shitty parenting right there. I'd be fuming too.

Original poster
megafatCEObaby · 12/05/2018 12:42

I wouldn't say often, but yes it does happen.

Recently he also made me absolutely fuming when I was getting ready to go out upstairs and he was downstairs with the children, and he decided to go out to the cash machine and not tell me (they are 5,3 and 2). I was luckily getting ready next to the upstairs window and saw my children playing in the garden and my 2yo going onto the road and a car coming. I banged on the window and was shouting and then flew down the stairs screaming of my H who was nowhere to be seen!

So whilst he had gone out, the children had let themselves outside because he hadn't locked the door and all the while I had thought he was out with them watching them in the garden. I absolutely flipped at him when he got back, yet he still does this stupid shit and it doesn't seem to teach him anything!!

OP posts:
Lilacwine1 · 12/05/2018 12:47

The trouble is OP, because of his bad parenting, giving the child sweets after he had run off, is storing up trouble for you, the next time you take them out.

Original poster
megafatCEObaby · 12/05/2018 12:50

The trouble is OP, because of his bad parenting, giving the child sweets after he had run off, is storing up trouble for you, the next time you take them out.

Exactly. I'm trying to explain this to him now and he's just denying it and saying 'you weren't there, he was sorry and understood' Angry

OP posts:
Troels · 12/05/2018 12:56

Your Dh sounds like a flippin idiot.
He loses the 3 yo while at the shops should have had a hand hold the whole time
Leaves the door unlocked and leaves them alone without letting you know he's going out nearly getting the 2yo run over
How they heck can you trust them to be safe with him, he surely can't be that stupid. Safety first. Does he need it all pointed out to him like a new young babysitter on their first job.

Lilacwine1 · 12/05/2018 13:04

He sounds an idiot, short of a village. I really don't think HE should, be let out of the house unsupervised, let alone in charge of children.

blaaake · 12/05/2018 13:09

He's not even an idiot, he's fucking stupid.

MrsJayy · 12/05/2018 13:09

He was probably so relieved he found him he bought the kid sweets it really isn't "shit" parenting imo but any excuse to have a dig at dads Hmm

blaaake · 12/05/2018 13:12

Did you actually read the thread @MrsJayy Hmm

Original poster
megafatCEObaby · 12/05/2018 13:17

Rewarding a child going missing by giving him sweets isnt shit parenting? What is then by your standards?

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/05/2018 13:17

I was thinking ok it can occasionally happen that a child wanders off, but the I read the popping out without telling anyone. He is a buffoon and needs training

Original poster
megafatCEObaby · 12/05/2018 13:24

He sounds an idiot, short of a village. I really don't think HE should, be let out of the house unsupervised, let alone in charge of children.

I’ve said this before in anger but feel really horrible to say it. He’s kind and works hard to look after us all, he really does more than his fair share but I cant trust him to keep them safe :(

Also an hour prior to this he tried to leave the house with the 3 of them crossing a busy road with a big black bin liner in his hand for the charity shop. Why? I asked him why he’d risk that when they dont listen to him and not just leave them at home with me instead of taking them all (I rang him when I realised he’d gone to do it). It’s just unsafe to not have free hands with 3 little kids running different ways who dont pay attention to him. He said they were sensible and fine then I heard him shouting at them/of them. I have anxiety and this stuff sends my heart racing, even now as I type it out.

I dont know what to do, Im fed up of us fighting over safety stuff. It seems so basic to me but he just brushes it off. The only time hes ever said sorry was when the 2yo nearly got ran over, even then he tried to defend his actions until I pointed it out through gritted teeth.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 12/05/2018 13:25

Have a think, OP. Is your H this ditzy in other areas? Does he get into trouble at work for silly mistakes or carelessness? If he has a hobby or interest, does he forget things important to that?

Or is it only when he's supposed to be looking after his DC that his inner fuckwit emerges? Or, maybe, if he's supposed to be cooking, or putting on a load of laundry, or doing something that benefits you rather than him... does that tend to go disastrously wrong, as well?

Some people just are scatty, though they should make efforts to overcome it. Some men make stupid 'mistakes' when they are asked to do any housework or childcare, in order to train their wives into accepting that domestic work is women's work.

Original poster
megafatCEObaby · 12/05/2018 13:25

Sorry, I forgot to put the first bit in bold that’s a quote.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouser · 12/05/2018 13:27

I’m not sure how you got as far as having three children with this idiot?

‘You weren’t there’. Clearly fucking not because if you had been it wouldn’t have happened. The last thing the 3 yo would have got was sweets.

I don’t know how you make an idiot see sense though.

Original poster
megafatCEObaby · 12/05/2018 13:31

I don’t know how you make an idiot see sense though.

Nor me, goodness knows I’m sick of trying.

OP posts:
RafikiIsTheBest · 12/05/2018 13:38

While I do agree with ReanimatedSGB that sometimes people do things badly on purpose I would hate to think that OP's DH is doing these things on purpose, we're not talking taking the kids out in dirty clothes or feeding them sweets before dinner, or giving them loads of fizzy pop before bedtime, all things that whilst being a complete PITA aren't really harmful. A 3 year old running off (by the sounds of it not an uncommon thing for him), a 2 year old nearly getting run over and them being oblivious to him are all things that are putting the DC in danger, not to mention if he wanted less to do why would he take them to the charity shop with him?
No I think he just doesn't see the danger, or he doesn't see how his actions are creating the dangerous situation. My DP is lovely in so many ways but he doesn't really see things from other peoples points of view, he assumes they will behave how they are supposed to rather than thinking he should keep an eye on children etc. No matter how much I explain it he just doesn't get it. We've had many arguments and he will do the behaviour but still doesn't get why they can't just do.

Original poster
megafatCEObaby · 12/05/2018 13:45

The charity shop thing made no sense either as there were several bags and other bits which with 3 kids you cant take, and then its less than 5 minutes away and took him 35 minutes to take ONE bag and so now it’s not a job done and he’s now napping?!?!?

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 12/05/2018 13:59

At forst I was thinking maybe you were being HARSH but with each update I am more Shock sounds a nightmare OP. Assuming you don't want to leave him I would be laying down the law, telling him that he is no longer allowed to take more than 2 at a time and that he should always hold both hands. Also that he always has to tell you before he goes and you agree together whether it's a good idea. I would literally write a list of 'rules' and ask him to agree. If he won't I would be having a serious word about your relationship and where it goes from here with a view to walking away from it. You need to make him see how serious this is. You can't have your children in this danger. It's not a risk worth taking

NordicNobody · 12/05/2018 14:04

I'm sorry if this upsets you because I know it's a really upsetting thing to read about, but this:

whilst he had gone out, the children had let themselves outside because he hadn't locked the door

Happened to someone I know not long ago and her child ended up drowning in the pond. She hadn't gone out and left the kids, just forgotten to lock the door and gone to a different room leaving her youngest to entertain himself for a minute. You say your youngest was heading out into traffic when you caught him.

Now obviously tragedies and accidents can happen anywhere anytime, mistakes get made, we're all only human. But they're a lot more likely to happen if you do things as obviously bloody stupid as your husband is. And if I were you I'd personally never feel safe leaving them with him unsupervised. But realistically you can't live like that so there are 3 choices: either he gets a very big clue very very fast, or you carry on as you are and wait for someone to get hurt, or he goes. Personally I think you need to really really drive home to him how serious this is. It's not just bad parenting, he's actually putting your children's lives in danger.

Eveforever · 12/05/2018 14:11

Maybe this is my grumpy mood talking, and I'm sorry but I can't think of a polite way to ask, is something actually wrong with him? Your examples of his behaviour are making him sound a bit, um, challenged.

llangennith · 12/05/2018 14:22

I wouldn’t be bothered about the sweets but I’d be horrified and fuming about his irresponsibility towards his kids’ safety and welfare.

Original poster
megafatCEObaby · 12/05/2018 19:48

I dont know you know. Ive always thought of him as intelligent but lacking in common sense, but now Im questioning whether he is just actually totally stupid.
His mother is controlling & did everything for him as a child so I assumed it was a symptom of this but now he’s a 30 year old still unable to think for himself I’m not so sure.

OP posts:
MelissaManhattan · 12/05/2018 19:53

Don’t you feel bad posting this here, everyone calling him all the names under the sun? A buffoon, stupid, an idiot?

My husband has his moments but I hea a good person. I couldn’t do that to him. I’d feel massively disloyal.

I’d say it to his face plenty right enough b