To want to find his family and tell them?

[Babyblue32]

Pregnant, baby father is not a great person not known each other long.
Anyway we haven't seen each other since
November - he bolted when he found out. But stayed in contact telling me he loved and would support me

I know nothing about his family, there not from uk.
I really want to find them, but feel like it might be pointless. I don't expect help or support from them. J just want them to know about it. But I have no idea where or how to start to find them......

Is it even worth it?
I want to do it, but I've had mixed reviews
My parents agree his family should know and a few close friends said th same

But a few other friends said no- don't bother if there anything like him it's better left alone

Has anyone else looked a family up or searched for people from O/S

😬

I wouldn't, you don't know what kind of people they might be (if he's not great).

That said my niece lives with us, never met her dad but occasionally been in contact over the years. Same for her Dad's brother who seems much nicer, he was the one who contacted her on her 18th birthday, not her father. So it possible but really, what are you hoping to gain from it?

It isn't their business. Its between you and him.

Why people feel the need to drag Aunt Sally et all into their mess is beyond me.

Firstly, Congratulations

I’m not going to say you’re BU as it’s not that type of situation where it’s appropriate but I do agree with your friends outlook rather than your parents.

God no, get rid of him aswell.

No! Focus on your own support network. Who's on Team Babyblue32?

What is it you want from them op?

it's more about his mum and dad know.
His mums in Canada and dads in London.
I completely get what you mean about dragging them into mess - but it's not to slate the father. It's to make them aware they'll have a new grandson soon.
Family is important to me, I just want him to know whose his is.

I don't want anything from them. Not money, not then making their son see, I just feel like I personally want them to know., but then I don't feel I should bother

I don't know. Everything everyone has said I agree with. It's just that little niggle that keeps popping back....i have really mixed feelings about it....

Really good support parents
My family
My friends

Apparently baby father will be involved - will see with that one.

If he's involved, he tells them. I really wouldn't be putting myself out. Just think, in the future if gp get "rights" what a mess it could be.

Abroad? What happens if they have no GC and become devouringly interested, harrass you for years to bring the child to visit them? Or accuse you of being a slut trying to trap their adorable son?

Safer to cut your losses with him and his family, I suspect.

If it involved one of my sons I would want to know

I think most are right about just leaving it, I've been debating it for months. And still haven't done anything about it.

I think I'm just feel desperate and a bit low about it all.

O this is really hard I'm sorry. I was the baby in this situation, although my dad's parents weren't overseas. My mum told them, and they made the choice not to see me. I've always thought it was incredible of her to give them the option, especially being a parent now and thinking about how I'd feel if my son ever got him and his partner into this position. That said, you know this guy and your situation best and the most important thing is looking after you right now. So glad you have a strong support network and good luck with however you go forward xx

Tell your family or friends that you feel low. Have them cheer you and talk you out of contacting his family.
He is the father and he needs to take responsibility, for his dc and for his own family. You may (I hope not, but...)have years ahead of you that you will be spending covering up for his wavering interest and unfulfilled promises. Don't add to your own responsibilities by taking an expat parent on board, too.

Yeah, I've spoken to my friends. They understand my feelings... but they've also made me remember that fathers not bothered - do I want to approach a family that could be the same?
Which I get completely, but I have no idea what this family is like.

I don't think I'm going to, I'm having enough trouble with the father, so I reckon I'll struggle with trying to sort out family really

Thank you for the advice guys x

NO.

Had a uni friend-of-friend in this vaguely same position. She and bf split, he wasn't really in touch with his parents. He was a total waster. She tracked down his mum. Turns out there was a reason waster wasn't in touch (which also possibly explained quite a lot about the way he was in general). Fluffy new granny didn't last long, the last big thing was his mum threatening to take friend-of-friend to court to force her to change her child's surname to the father's (which wasn't even granny's surname but that of her ex-H!)

If your ex is 'not a great person' - it's highly likely that his parents won't be great people either. All you'll do is risk rntangling yourself further with a family you could end up heartily wishing you'd never set eyes on.

Leave your ex alone. Don't let him come anywhere near the birth, don't have him there when registering, DEFINITELY give baby your surname. Support strictly controlled contact while you suss out his serious he is aboit staying in touch, don't ever let him call the shots. Any messing about, tell him fine, bugger off, take me to court and get an agreement that YOU will have to stick too too. And don't, DON'T contact his family.

Why do posters congratulate someone in this situation? Genuine question, it is a mess and if family is so important to OP it is strange to be embarking on her own family in such difficult circumstances.

Unless your child stands to gain something something positive from knowing v their grandparents like money or connections I don't see any point. You would be inviting God only knows who into their life for no reason. I speak from experience when I say that it is sometimes better if grandparents are not involved. If you really want to do this I would suggest hiring someone to make enquiries and find out exactly what sort of people they are before getting in touch.

Thanks for he messages

I don't think little one will gain anything I'm not looking for financial gain.

My situation isn't great, and just because I value family doesn't mean I should give up all hope because I'm starting a family with me and a baby? I can live and accept his family not being apart it all.

It's just sometimes you want the opinion of others who may or may not dealt with this situation.

I think most people are right. It's more hassle than it's worth. It's been something I've been thinking of for a while and still haven't managed to go with it

I'd concentrate on ensuring you have a job and somewhere to live and how you plan to manage over the coming years and have a good pension in place.

Have you considered all options re the pregnancy?

I'm already in a full time job and have somewhere to live....

I kept baby due to be being able to support myself.

I thought about the options from the start.
Adoption - no
Abortion - I did consider it, I really did for a few weeks. I looked into it, and weighed it up. I decided against it.

At this point the father had told me to abort and we discussed and I made him aware of my feelings - he said he understood and would stick by my side and we would do this together.

Its the more it's progressed and time has gone on. The more I've been left alone and in the dark.
So I thought about his family and telling them. But after reading everything and really debating

It's not worth it

Because she is having a child and believe it or not, you don’t need to be in a relationship to be overjoyed about that. What do you want her to do? Go to a mother and baby home? Wear sackcloth and ashes to broadcast her shame? The child will clearly be loved and supported. She has every right as every other mother to be congratulated.