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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to be friend with ds fathers gf?

23 replies

Tallulahula · 11/05/2018 23:42

My ex has a new gf, my ds spends time with ex fortnightly, now he wants me to meet new gf. I have no interest in meeting her, I don't want to nor do I feel there's a need too. I have never met any of his other girlfriends, nor has he ever met any of my partners. I just don't see the point. What does every one else think?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/05/2018 23:47

No need. Has he given his reasons? Especially as you haven’t met his exes?

Original poster

Tallulahula · 11/05/2018 23:51

Without going into loads of detail, I have asked for the new gf address as he says ds will be staying there a occasionally, she has said she wont give it till she knows what sort of person I am (which is ironic as i left him due to abuse, so its not me she needs to worry about). I just see it as another way of control and intimidation

OP posts:

myfriendbob · 11/05/2018 23:51

I can't see how you can't see the point of meeting someone your kid will be spending time with who may take on a parental role, but its up to you.

egginacup · 11/05/2018 23:56

My response to that would be that he’s not staying somewhere if I don’t know the address. However, to smooth things over you could always say to ex she’s welcome to come along when he picks DS up so you can meet briefly. No need for a formally arranged meet up, or for you to be friends! I’ve always thought it weird that exH’s gf will wait in the car if she’s there when he gets the kids, even though often he will come in and chat while
the DC faff around getting their stuff together. I’ve said to him more than once she’s welcome to come in.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 11/05/2018 23:57

I can see why you don’t want to be friends with her but I guess if you’re asking for her address (and I doubt your ex will have painted you in a very good light!) she isn’t unreasonable to want to meet you. Just a quick hi, how you doing so she can put a face to the name (and the same for you) isn’t the end of the world.

For you she is one in a string of not very important people in your ex’s life but if your DS is staying there I imagine he will get close to her and it will be helpful for you know who it is he’s spending his weekends with.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 12/05/2018 00:01

I'm noting what you say about his controlling and intimidation, but I'm going to 'park' that for a moment.

Ignoring ^this, I think you should meet her and have a workable relationship with her, if the relationship is serious.

This is a massive generalisation, but I'm going to say it anyway... Generally, it's women who pick up the details that make kids lives happen smoothly [not all women, not all men. But going by the majority of threads on here, and my experience working with parents]. Therefore, unless your ex is one of a minority, if this woman is going to be around medium - long term, she's going to pick up a lot of the wifework for your child when he spends time with your ex.

Therefore, isn't it sensible that you've got a working relationship with her, to make things smoother for your child? Not suggesting you are BFFs, but just a sensible working relationship.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/05/2018 00:02

Before DH and I lived together, my DSC used to spend time at my place though never stayed over. His ex never had my address, when they’re with their dad, he’s responsible for them and he wouldn’t give her the address of a hotel he was staying in with them, or vice versa. When their with her they’re in her care, she’s responsible for them and DH doesn’t ask for the address of anywhere she takes them.

They won’t be staying over at the GFs without ex will they?

KeepServingTheDrinks · 12/05/2018 00:03

I'm noting what you say about his controlling and intimidation, but I'm going to 'park' that for a moment

Apologies for quoting myself (if I'm not careful, I'll get an email from HQ saying I've mentioned me in a post on a thread I'm on!)

But I forgot to respond to this bit.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 12/05/2018 00:05

and then I hit send. Doh! Friday night and drinking

If this IS about his control and intimidation, forget what I said 14 posts ago

But whatever you do, put your DS front and centre. If he's spending time with her, getting to know her, getting close to her. Then shouldn't you get to know her too?

Sorry for the multiple posts!

Original poster

Tallulahula · 12/05/2018 00:09

Hmmmm, maybe you are all right, however, Unless she comes with a list of questions, I just don't see what difference it will make. How can a brief 30 seconds Hi, nice to meet you, tell either me or her what either of us is like? That's what I meant when I said that I don't see the point. She is still only going to believe his opinion of me. Am I wrong?

OP posts:

Original poster

Tallulahula · 12/05/2018 00:11

Oh, I forgot to add, they have been together less than a month.

OP posts:

Twogoround · 12/05/2018 00:15

Yes she will only believe his side of the story ..... for now ....
But you have to play the long game she might in your kids lives for years and years she might even have your kids ribbing. Just be nice . And go with flow .

Original poster

Tallulahula · 12/05/2018 00:21

Twogoround What do you mean by ribbing? I have never heard that expression before?

OP posts:

nursy1 · 12/05/2018 00:24

To be honest I don’t think your Ds should be meeting a girlfriend your ex has been going out with for less than a month. Much less be staying at her house. It’s too soon.

Original poster

Tallulahula · 12/05/2018 00:33

nursy1 Don't get me started on that one, That's a whole different argument, he does it all the time, I don't know he has a new gf until DS comes home from visits and says he's met her

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouser · 12/05/2018 01:16

It’s weird to ask for her address. When he’s with his Dad, his Dad can take him to stay wherever he wants, as can you when he’s with you. It’s no wonder she wants to meet you before your ex gives you her address - it’s none of your business (difficult to accept I know 💐).

pallisers · 12/05/2018 01:28

she has said she wont give it till she knows what sort of person I am

Tell him to tell her you are the sort of person who is the mother and guardian of the child who will be staying at her house.

her address is hardly a state secret is it? Does she want to meet everyone she gives it to? The telephone man? The postperson? the grocery delivery people?

Tbh, OP, I'd just tell him you no longer care about the address- they sound juvenile.

Twogoround · 12/05/2018 01:32

I meant to type sibbiing. Your kids1/2 brother or sister .

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 12/05/2018 01:44

I’ve been the new woman, although I we waited 6 months before I met my now sd (plus no abusive relationship). For me it would have been too soon after a month to meet. This is early stages of a relationship and working out if it’s meant to be, bringing children into this is cruel

nursy1 · 12/05/2018 01:54

I don't know he has a new gf until DS comes home from visits and says he's met her

That’s a bit of a problem. Can’t be good for your Ds and I’m totally supportive of your stance in these circumstances. Don’t meet her, put it in writing that you want his visits to see his df to involve him alone and if he is staying overnight for it to be in a familiar place.
Can you ask for surpervised access visits?

infertilitybitch · 12/05/2018 02:05

Less than a month being with him and she's having your kid stay over and wants to meet you?

Tbh I'd want to meet her for my own peace of mind. What an odd person.

ChasedByBees · 12/05/2018 06:09

Wouldn’t it just make it all easier if you knew her and get on?

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 12/05/2018 06:22

As bad as it is, you have no legal right to know where your child is while he is under the care of the other parent (unless he takes him out of the country (and that probably just if you have a court order in place)

I find it a bit strange that you want her address but do not want to meet her. TBH I would have been more than a bit concerned if the exw of my new boyfriend demanded to know where I live (especially if I have heard a lot of lies about you).

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