AIBU to never bother with them again?

[Sadbri]

I posted back in December a post similar to this however our relationship has deteriorated so much since then. Apologies in advance I know this is long.
Long story short (as most of this evolves around my Step Mum (SM) and dad (DF) hate for my mum (DM)) is that I left my DM when I was 12 to live with my DF. When I was 22 I got back in contact with DM and have since formed an incredible relationship with her.
The problem is my SM and DF took offence when I got back in touch understandingly and I did everything they asked to help make them feel as comfortable about the situation. When I feel pregnant they took a huge offence they were the last to know although it was done over 3 days each grandparent finding out each day. Things got worse and nit picky from there. They never saw my LG until she was 3 months old as they didn’t want to travel 2-3 hours to visit although the week I had her they were suppose to visit anyway. They never ask how she is or how she is getting on infact I don’t hear from them unless I call them. I’ve been to the house knowing they were in and they just ignored the door (when confronted about this he said he didn’t know I was their then retracted it when I mentioned that I saw my little sister peep out the window and waited 10 mins for them to get the door, he said you know how she is and said they were busy in the garden).
The final straw was when my SM dad passed away and they took huge offence with that I had no childcare for my little one and she would have to accompany me to the funeral. They were extremely miffed off and I apologised but she ended up joining me in the end anyway. When I arrived i was barely greeted buy them and my SM completely ignores me DF just about spoke to me. It was heart breaking to see my Step brothers kids there and my DF and SM running around and playing with them yet just about acknowledging my LG and barely me. After the funeral they took us out to late lunch which was nice and I thought it would give me time to reconnect with my DF, who turns out didn’t even know how old my LG was! As he commented I was early weaning her and yet she was over 6 months old. After a horrendous lunch and a few remarks made by SM which I don’t think I was suppose to hear AIBU to just give up with always trying to keep the bond there for my LG and cut ties until they can be borthered to care about us.

They never ask how she is or how she is getting on infact I don’t hear from them unless I call them
This sums up the whole situation imho - they arent making an effort to make time for you so I would quit making time for them tbh. Painful as it is.
I wouldnt go NC I would just stop bothering. See what happens next,
Its great you got back in touch with your mum. your dad should have supported your choice (or at least not have made a fuss)
Griping over who got told your happy news first is silly too. Its happy news, so they found out a couple of days later, no need to have a hissy fit over it.
xxx

Yanbu. I wouldn't bother with people like that. Hope you're ok xx

You're totally justified in reducing the amount of effort you put in with them and what I'm Ito say doesn't really change that but from your post it comes across like the attitude is coming from your SM and your dad is going along with it. Like with the weaning stuff - my MIL knows all the details on all the grandkids, who sleeps well, who doesn't like cheese, who got their picture on the art wall at kindergarten... FIL knows names and approximate ages. Like I say though it's not much of an excuse - the thing of ignoring you when you went round the house, his excuse sounds cowardly. Put in as much effort with them as they do with you.
Also I remember your last thread - so your SB's kids were allowed to attend but your baby daughter not? Do you ever get that feeling that you're being set up to be the one in trouble? That's rubbish.

Long story short (as most of this evolves around my Step Mum (SM) and dad (DF) hate for my mum (DM)) is that I left my DM when I was 12 to live with my DF. When I was 22 I got back in contact with DM and have since formed an incredible relationship with her.

^^ This is the back story.

Yes your DF & SM should be adult enough to accept you have to make your own choices in life, and maybe your DM is fantastic now, but clearly she wasn't when you were 12 and DF and SM had to pick up the pieces. SO, for what ever reason, they feel aggrieved and sidelined because in their eyes, you're fawning over your DM. that may or may not be the case of course

This is the real issue When I feel pregnant they took a huge offence they were the last to know - they brought you up when your mother didn't. It's "normal" to go to the principle parent with any news first, you didn't. So that's your choice. But I can see why they are hurt. You've reinforced the message that your DM is far more important and worthy than they are.

@toomuchtooold I do feel I am set up to fail a lot by my SM and DF. No matter how hard I try I end up doing something wrong.

@newyearnewme18 I’ve been as open as I can with reconnecting with my DM. They had their rules so to say about the situation and I did everything they asked. With the announcement i asked which day would be convenient for us to pop over over the weekend they said Sunday as that was my SM birthday and we could go out for a meal. They can be funny about just turning up and not saying anything.

It sounds as though they were happier when you weren't in touch with your mum and enjoyed the power that had over her. Since then, they've been punishing you.

Can I ask why you went to live with your dad? It's interesting you felt the need to leave your mum, yet you are great friends now.

@Hallowtalk as a child me and DM had a very tense relationship and bluntly I hated her back then. We had a argument when I was 12 which caused her to loose her temper and threaten me. I then chose to live with my dad who took me in although my SM has always stated they never had to take me in and did it out the goodness of their hearts, they could have put me into foster care.

Your own dad could have put you in foster care?

Sounds like you had a hard time OP. What did your mum threaten you with? Is she a worthwhile person to have in your life now?

Your Dad and stepmum don't sound worth bothering with, by the way. They aren't nice people.

Hallowtalk I'm not sure if they would've but my SM did keep mentioning it.

My mum had a short temper when I was younger and I had the worst attitude problem. She threatened to beat me and pinned me against a wall. I was petrified when I first got back in contact with her as I thought she may have not changed. However she's on medication to help and we get on so well. She calls me daily to chat with me and LO. I am confident she would never hurt my LO ever.

The problem is my SM and DF took offence when I got back in touch understandingly and I did everything they asked to help make them feel as comfortable about the situation

Sadbri you sound like you bend over backwards for people, and by being that way, people feel they have license to treat you like a doormat.

Your SM has no justification in taking offence with decisions you made as a 22 yo adult, none of her business. Likewise if your DF is unable to support your choice to have a relationship with your DM then that's tough. They sound like incredibly high-maintenance people wrapped up in their own importance and don't have your best interests at heart.

I'm not suggesting going NC with them but distance yourself emotionally and decide if and when you want to meet up with them. Do it on your terms. This may take time to cultivate a more "don't give-a-damn" attitude to them after a lifetime of trying to please them, but I can recommend it. Seek counselling and support to help with this.

@daisychain01 I've been minimal contact since Christmas as they didn't seem bothered back then about seeing my LG and it was really upsetting me with their lack of care. I suffered with anxiety during pregnancy and the whole situation didn't help and would regularly wake up crying or having panic attacks about my DF saying he doesn't care and wanted nothing to do with us. Going minimal contact helped me get used to the fact they wouldn't be there for me.