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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DSIS is out of order and she needs to let this go?

47 replies

ashbah1980 · 11/05/2018 23:25

DSIS has a 8 year old DD and has been a single parent since she was born until 9 months ago when she met her lovely DP.

Her DP lost his job 3 months ago so moved in with DSIS and her DD. He has been looking for work but does 95% of her housework and looks after her DD- saving her childminder/after school club fees. He honestly is great with her and they adore each other.

Anyway her DP has always got on amicablly with his ex wife for the sake of their 2 children who are both now teenagers. They've even had dinner together and even DSIS has said there is no chance anything romantic is going on between them anymore- they split about 8 years ago and his ex is re married.

Anyway his ex wife booked a holiday last month and has asked DSIS DP if he wants to go and said he can pay the money back when he is working again.

He has said yes but DSIS has hit the roof. Knowing her well it is because she will be loosing a free weeks childcare in the summer holidays but apparently its because she doesnt want him going with her.

Ive told her to get a grip. AIBU?

OP posts:

ThereIsAlwaysDrama · 12/05/2018 00:46

circumstances have temporarily changed

What makes you think it's temporary? If it's an activity he used to do with his kids then he can take them when he can actually afford to. Not when I he has no money and is living out of someone else's pocket.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 12/05/2018 00:58

If his ex wife is subbing him its no-one elses business if he can afford it or not. If its her money then its her choice how she spends it.
Maybe she doesn't want to wait till next year. Maybe the DC won't want to.

If she wants to lend him the money - and they are amicable IRL - then its an insult to the ex-wife to say "No he doesn't deserve it"

Maybe he got a good redundancy payout when he lost his job.

CoolCarrie · 12/05/2018 01:01

Wonder what the ex wife’s new husband thinks of this idea?

LunaTrap · 12/05/2018 01:02

Who moves a man into their child's home within 6 months and has him doing the childcare? Totally irresponsible.

maggiecate · 12/05/2018 01:12

I'm pondering the nature of the holiday. If the ex and her DH have rented a villa some other sort of self catering and have a spare room then it might actually work out really well - they'll get to go out/spend some time on their own, dad gets to spend time with the kids, cost might not be that mental. Maybe this is a regular arrangement, it's worked well in the past for everyone and they're happy to sub him until he's back on his feet because they think it's worth it? Presumably he's worked in the past and plans to do so again?

BUT Your sister isn't unreasonable in not wanting her boyfriend going off with his ex - it's not what you expect nine months in to a new relationship, and I think it would be a bit of an eyebrow raiser for most people. You're being unreasonable ascribing motivations to her the way you are - he's only been there for three months and presumably she's managed up to now with the housework and childcare arrangements

tararabumdeay · 12/05/2018 01:13

He's an unemployed, obsequious cock lodger taking the piss out of a vulnerable woman.

YANBU.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 12/05/2018 01:23

This sounds weird, is it a reverse? Yes yabu if you are who you say you are...if you aren’t then you are overly invested in someone else’s relationship and need to step back. Not your issue, not your drama, just be there for support

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 12/05/2018 01:24

If DSis is saving on childminder and ASC then its very unlikely she'll be able to just get her DD back in.
Our ASC had a waiting list and my NDN was a CM who had a huge waiting list. Sounds like she was a bit premature throwing in her established childcare after her partner of 6 months moved in.

Cocklodger /pisstaker/vunerable woman? Bit if a leap there . What evidence that he is any of these things and she's vunerable?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 12/05/2018 01:28

And it makes me that this bloke is getting a pasting.

What's the old mantra that is always wheeled out on MN?
Oh yes- if you take up with someone that has children from a previous relationship, the DC come first ? Because DSis knew he had DC and an Ex wife.

Unless of course that gets in the way of slagging him off for daring to get on with his ex and maybe want a bloody holiday !

Weezol · 12/05/2018 01:50

Your DSis does need to get a grip - if he was a mate of mine, I'd be telling him to run to the hills at being told how and when to see his kids, especially as he and ex split 8 years ago, XW has remarried and DSis has met the XW and H and been all good with having dinner with them.

My friend went to EuroDisney a couple of years ago with her XH and their DS and DD. They wouldn't all go together for more than a long weekend, as that's about her limit with him before she feels the urge to hold a pillow over his face, however this was a 'trip of a lifetime' for the kids while they were still young enough to really enjoy it. She and DD had a twin room, he and DS another.

ohcomeon12321 · 12/05/2018 01:54

ybu as it has nothing to do with you i wont comment on anyone else as its unfair

purplelila2 · 12/05/2018 06:19

Going on holiday with an ex is inappropriate especially so when new partners are involved .

I'd they wanted to carry on like they were together why break up . Carrying on like this isn't fair on your dsis or the exs new dh.

I would hit the roof at both the dinner and the holiday . YABVVVVVVU!

NightRaven52 · 12/05/2018 06:28

Why do you think it's any of your business to involve yourself in your sisters relationship by making internet posts about it?

SoupDragon · 12/05/2018 06:57

He's an unemployed, obsequious cock lodger taking the piss out of a vulnerable woman.

How is he a cock lodger and where does the OP say or imply her sister is vulnerable?

pictish · 12/05/2018 06:59

Going on holiday with the ex is only inappropriate if one or both of them still harbour feelings for the other. Otherwise I don’t think there are any rules regarding this sort of arrangement...every family will have its own dynamic. I have known of a couple of families who have done just this sort of thing without an issue.
Also after 9 months I hardly think the OP’s sister is placed to lay down the law on whether this guy goes on a holiday with his own kids or what the dynamic with the ex should be. He’s had his kids and known his ex for a long time and his new relationship is still in his infancy. I think it’s his choice to make, not hers.

greendale17 · 12/05/2018 07:04

I am with your sister on this OP.

**I think your sister is right to be hmm about this.

Mainly, because it is a bit odd to be going off on a week's holiday with your ex., but also getting into debt for a holiday, when he doesn't have a job and isn't able to contribute anything financially to their relationship would really annoy me.**

^This

pigeondujour · 12/05/2018 07:07

Like fuck would I be housing someone who was unemployed and then watching them jet off on holiday with someone else that I wasn't welcome on. Then again I wouldn't move someone in to my house or let them do most (or any) of the childcare for my eight year old after nine months. So no one comes out of this looking good imo.

ScrubTheDecks · 12/05/2018 07:14

It’s not ‘free’ childcare, is it? It’s childcare as his part of the household contribution, since he is unemployed.

I do know exes who go on holidays together as co-parents and it works well. But it seems s bit odc if this had suddenly been introduced rather than an annual event.

Is the exes DH going?

Starlighter · 12/05/2018 07:23

I agree with your sister!

He’s out of work and relying on your sister, so he shouldn’t be spending money he doesn’t have on a holiday. Without his partner. And especially not with his ex, no matter how innocent it is!

He can absolutely spend time with his kids, obviously, but he doesn’t need to spend money he doesn’t have to jet off with his ex to do this.

Very odd situation. And very irresponsible of DP.

Idontdowindows · 12/05/2018 07:38

I'm with your sister here. Amicable relationship with ex? Sure, certainly with children.

Going on holiday with ex? Noooooo.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/05/2018 07:39

If you commented on her moving in a bloke she'd known for a few months and relying on him to wrangle her child, missing out on a holiday with his own children into the bargain, I'd say YWNBU. But you seem to be posting from a position of 100% on the bloke's side - how lovely he is, how much work he does, how he and his ex are definitely over and how your sister only wants him for childcare - and that is always unreasonable, because you don't live with him and have no idea what really goes on (however often you drop in for tea and see him running the hoover round, you really do not know). Unless, as someone said earlier, you're the XW or, I suggest, the man's sister rather than the woman's in this scenario.

GrannyGrissle · 12/05/2018 08:29

Very weird and i'd tell him to jog on.

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