Wedding dilemma...

[bitzy12]

Posted this in wwyd but realised it's more of an AIBU to feel abit miffed:

A member of dh's family who we aren't particularly close too invited us to their evening reception at their wedding on Tuesday night. The wedding is today. Happening right now.

Dh got a call from one of his brother's - not the groom, the groom is dh's other brother - saying 'yeah the weddings Friday, come if you want'.

No formal invitation. No actual contact from the bride or groom. No idea what time we were ment to be there for, what to wear etc.

And the 'come if you want' really pissed us off.

We decided we weren't going. I felt uncomfortable turning up at a wedding I hadn't properly been invited too. Dh felt the same. We had no form of childcare for dc's. So we weren't going.

Until this morning when dh felt he should go. He said that he would just go show his face for an hour and come home. The venue isn't particularly close to us. 40 min drive. I've stayed home with the dc's.

But literally about 10 mins after he set off I thought 'shit he's gone without a present. And a card'

He's literally just turned up with nothing. Part of me thinks that's fine. I mean they've given us 3 days notice really. But then I thought, isn't it a bit rude to just turn up with nothing?

I expect he will be home soon. He has work early in the morning too.

Would you of even gone given an invite like this?

Don't want to go into the whole background as it's very personal to dh and his had a very tough up bringing. These are dh's step brothers. They aren't really close at all. See each other a couple of times a year at the most. He's close to his siblings on the other side of the family, but this side, they just aren't close.

No I wouldn’t have gone. The groom couldn’t even be bothered to invite you.

Only you know the family dynamics.

There's no hard feelings between his brothers. They just aren't close. They only figured out that they were brothers a few years ago so it's all still fairly new.

We got married and all of that side were invited to the evening reception.

Now I'm not saying it's a case of 'we invited you so you have to invite us' as it's not at all. I totally understand you cannot invite everyone and seen as they don't see us much, we assumed we weren't invited which was fine. We knew about the wedding as we are all friends on fb

But just to be invited in that way, it's just not nice. Made dh feel pretty crap but he's obviously gone anyway as he felt he had too

I wouldn’t have gone. And he shouldn’t have worried about turning up empty handed.

It’s the most reluctant sounding invitation I’ve ever heard of. Do you think it was someone else telling the groom to “invite” your DH?

All sounds very complicated and difficult. I’ve never heard of immediate, albeit step, family being invited to just the evening do.

Hope DH had an alright time.

You can always send a gift of some sort afterwards. But see how it all went.

Step brothers? Or half brothers?

Sounds like maybe you weren't on the list and some people dropped out so they decided to make up the numbers. I think that's not really on for a wedding, a last minute invite effectively does feel like bit of a snub.

Although before you get too offended, sometimes people don't really know too much about wedding etiquette if they haven't been to many weddings (I didn't go to any full wedding until I was about 23 and then not many until a few years before I got married). They might have just thought 'Maybe we can invite some more people now those guys have dropped out' without thinking that a wedding isn't like an ordinary party and a late invite is quite a weighted thing.

I may have got this wrong but it sounds like your DH discovered that he had half brothers that he'd not known about growing up? You say they are not close so is it that they simply didn't think about your DH. Then suddenly realised ..?

I feel so sad for your husband. What a shitty thing for his brothers to do. I would not have gone. Fuck people like that.

So they aren't even actually related? some people are really relaxed about invites like that, does it really matter?

Are they step or half brothers?

This is all very confusing.

But anyway. He’s gone so that’s that.

No they are half brothers sorry. Wasn't concreting at the time. They share the same parent

Brothers, half brothers or step brothers, you've used all three terms.

If they haven't been brought up together and don't consider each other as brothers (full, half, step or otherwise) .

I don't actually understand this bit They only figured out that they were brothers a few years ago so it's all still fairly new., if they share a parent how can they not know they are (half) brothers?

New year - I ‘discovered’ a half brother when I was 34. From my father first marriage. He never told us about him.

@NewYearNewMe18 your nosey aren't you lol? I'm not going into it all on here. Firstly, it's not my family, not my place too. And secondly, I'd never post my dh's personal business all over the internet.

Yes they are half brothers. They were not brought up together. They met for the first time a few years ago. Dh had an idea he had half brothers and sisters. The half siblings also had an inclining and like i said,we for the first time a few years ago. Like i said, dh had a very tough and confusing up bringing which is all down to his parents.

It doesn't really matter who they are, it's a bit crappy to invite someone to a wedding like that and the majority agree. We very much doubt the actual bride and groom wanted us there. It was the other half brother that's slightly closer the dh that probably did. I was asleep when dh got in and he's gone off to work now but he briefly said it was alright before he went this morning. He was glad to be home.

That's the end of it now, I just felt really bad for dh last night while he was there so I had a rant on here. But it's done and over now so all fine. Thanks for replies x

like I said, met for the first time*

Thanks for clarifying bitzy. I can understand why your DH felt like an afterthought and that's not nice.

I can see how it could have come about given the family history, though. I have no idea how I would react to meeting half-siblings later in life ...From threads on here (and the old 'Long lost family' programmes), reactions and subsequent relationships can vary massively even amongst siblings.

If your DH wants to continue building relationships with that side of the family I woud probably try and see it as positive that he was included (albeit very thoughtlessly). It sounds to me that one brother wants to keep building bridges, where perhaps the brother getting married is not bothered.

I hope your DH was welcomed at the reception and that he felt it was the right thing to do by going?

Step brothers and half brothers are such completely different things: I wish people wouldn't use the terms interchangeably. One is your sibling, one is not. One is a relative, one is not. Not even slightly the same thing!

There are indeed completely different by definition. But the terms don't dictate the nature of the relationship.

I know step siblings who are as close as blood siblings. And vice versa.

Half-siblings that know nothing about eachother until they meet as adults, are likely to have a totally different relationship to half-siblings who grow up together ...etc.

very true. Still not at all interchangeable though, and step brothers that meet as adults is qualitatively different from half brothers that meet as adults. The latter share biology, a parent, possibly look alike etc...the former are just people whose parents married each other.

I definitely would not have gone unless the invite was from B&G. You are invited to the evening reception so you are included in the overall wedding and that’s when I’d give a gift and card and when B&G are expecting to see you.

Yes I know they are completely different things. I'm used to saying 'step brothers/sisters' as mine and dhs dcs are step siblings. I know the difference between the two.