Am I being controlling?

[Greggers2017]

Back story DP and I are just starting tests for fertility. Been contraception free for a year and nothing's happening. AF is due Monday, tests Tuesday. The last couple of months when AF has come I have felt absolutely gutted and beginning to feel like it's never going to happen for us.
This Monday DP has arranged to go to the pub after work with his colleagues, one of them who is pregnant. I don't want him to go, I want him to be here with me when I feel so upset that AF has arrived. Not in a pub with his mates having fun and being happy for another pregnant lady.
He says I'm being controlling and trying to tell him what to do. I am not saying he can't go just go on a different day.
Thoughts to help me think rationally please.

In the nicest possible way, yab a little u.
But I completely understand why you feel this way!!!
I doubt he is going there to be happy for a pregnant lady.. she is by the by. He is probably finding this just as hard as you. No answers for you but hugs xx

AF?

My period.

Whats AF though ?

Aunt Flo

Go to the pub with him. You really need to relax and stop obsessing. All this self-imposed stressed will do no favors for your fertility.

Upsetting though your situation is, life needs to go on in the meantime, for both of you. It's understandable to be upset, but it's not healthy to restrict your lives. Not good for your relationship, physical or mental health.

YABU. Sorry it’s tough at the mo, but asking him to come home for your period and not to socialise with pregnant women is a bit much.

Aunt Flo ?

Menstrual flow.

I don't mind him going at all but not that day. I just get my hopes up and when my period comes I'm so disappointed. I just feel I need him here to hug me. I can't really talk ru many people about what's happening and we have our tests Tuesday too so I'm worrying about them.

Oh bless you OP, sorry you’re feeling so low.

You need to both stay as relaxed and healthy and happy as possible and that’s going to mean different things to each of you. If he’ll enjoy going to the pub and catching up with his friends then that’s what he should do. Have a lovely evening doing what makes you happy and you can catch up on what you’ve both been up to when he gets home.

I know it’s so hard when you don’t know what lies ahead but you can’t put life on hold when you’re ttc. When you have your baby, hopefully soon , you need your relationship to be in a good place and to make sure you’re looking after each other and yourselves. That sounds very Jerry, sorry.

I’m in my pjs on the sofa having first AF after a mc. Neither DH nor I thought this would be our ttc experience. It sucks. We’ve both had long weeks at work so we’re watching tv. But if he had the chance to meet up with friends at the pub and fancied it I’d be shooing him out the door and telling him to kick back and have a good time. It’s keeping body and soul together and sometimes that means cosying down on the sofa together, other times it means one or both of you sodding off for a few drinks and forgetting about the soul destroying ttc lark.

I wish you every luck

Thank you @AnneLovesGilbert that's exactly how it feels soul destroying.
I am obsessing too much I think. I just don't know how to handle all the emotion and disappointment

Perhaps he is handling his stress about the situation differently. Perhaps this is how he deals with upcoming tests, by trying to relax

It’s horrible you’re going through this, I really feel for you. You can’t limit your partner’s socialising around your period and other pregnant women though. You’re just going to end up building resentment in your relationship.

When you’re in the middle of all the stress and crap it’s difficult to take a step back. It’s reallt healthy to try and do so. Start small, look at the things in your life, big and small, that make you feel good, happy, relaxed. I love a long soak, a glass of red, a chat with my sister or friends, a pub lunch with DH, an absorbing book, a trashy tv show, painting my nails. Small things that remind me the world is still a beautiful place and that I’m okay, we’re okay. I buy DH books he likes, we cook nice food, we chat about non baby stuff we want to do and see. It’s SO important to enjoy the things you both like, together and separately. I love my husband and I LOVE it when he sees his friends. They love him too! They chat crap together, have a meal, drink a bit, they look out for him, they support him, they mean he has someone to talk to other than me.

Also, find a thread that resonates on the ttc boards. There are women who will completely get you and where you’re at, listen, share, sympathise. Talking to your partner is really important but so is finding other places you find supportive

Thank you for the advice. Think I'm having a wobble today. I had a good feeling about this month but the signs are there and I know it's coming.

We tried for six years to conceive, lots of tests and two rounds of ivf.

I know how you feel but I would never have limited my DH’s life (or mine) in that way.

You cannot allow yourself to be held hostage to your period. You’ll go insane.

I've suffered anxiety and depression in the past. Maybe it's time to talk to somebody

Such wise words Anne :)

I think the issue is that you are needing him to understand your anxiety and pain over this and he is not realising that's the crux of it - needing him to understand you're not feeling okay and nothing really to do with him going to the pub with his colleagues.

Unfortunately they've made plans on this specific day but tbh chances are if he is around he may not be quite as useful and supportive as you're expecting of him. How about a friend or infertility board where people really do understand supporting you that night and him agreeing to be super supportive in the morning through the tests. Would that work for you both?

I'm sad to say it did make me controlling at times, and eventually ruined my marriage and exH became increasingly bitter and eventually disgustingly abusive. I think saying no you can't go is controlling. It's not controlling to expect or hope he doesn't but is to demand he doesn't (I think anyway)

If you have much longer on this road, resentment can really be a bitch that I'd see if it's possible to overlook him not getting it just yet. If it does come, enjoy a mahoosive glass of wine 🍷 yourself that night.

Wobbles happen. And hormones can make you crazy. You just have to ride it out

We’ve been ttc for a couple of years and have a few mcs under our belts now. It’s a pile of crap. I hope you have an easier ride but you don’t know what lies ahead and you don’t want your relationship to suffer along the way.

Honestly, tell him to go, give him a hug, tell him you know he needs to unwind, have fun, and you’ll see him when he gets home. Then leave him to it and be glad he has people to support him and distract him if necessary. It takes the pressure off you to be his everything. If it’s going to upset you, don’t ask about pregnant friend. You’ll only drive yourself nuts.

Make plans to take your own mind off things. Ranting, venting, letting off steam, having a moan are all good, it’s better out than in. But don’t wish your life away then look back and realise how much you’ve missed while fixating on opks or timings or dates or whatever. Having it at the back of your mind doesn’t mean it has to rule your life. And have sex, if you both feel like it, when you’re not fertile. Keep things as “normal” as you can and life will feel less difficult.

Thank you april. Don’t want to derail or take over, but the shitter things have got for us, the more grateful I am that we’ve maintained balance and normality, optimism and fun. You don’t know what you’re made of till things are truly crappy.