AIBU to feel resentful?

[Narkle]

Got an email today of my sister and although it really shouldn't, it's left me in a state of resentment.

Background: NPD parents - she was the golden child, I was the eternal scapegoat. Throughout my life I worked really hard, was a high achiever, never out of a job and I am earning a pretty good salary, which is keeping my family stable and comfortable.

My sister has always been lazy, supported by my parents - where A grades were questioned with me (because they weren't A*s), her Cs and Ds were celebrated - that kind of thing. Never worked much more above minimum wage and most of the time, even part-time was too much.

Last year both my grandparents died unexpectedly and left my parents a small fortune. My sister got the old car, I got the equivalent of the value as inheritance, but since then, my sister has 'mysteriously' been able to go on lots of holidays abroad - USA, South Italy etc. several times a year. As she'd been on the brink of having to move house for not being able to afford the place any longer, I can only assume that my parents are still financing her.

On the face of it, we have equivalent lives - nice houses, okay cars, children, marriage, but deep down, I feel incredibly resentful that I had to work my way up from nothing, fight for every achievement in my life, fight so hard for all my promotions... and now she has everything I have, even though she has never put any effort into anything much.

I know it's mean, but a part of me deep down was hoping that we'd both reap our 'just' rewards and that, by now, I'd be much better off, for sheer work and commitment. But here we are, end-30s, I am still working my backside off, she is still lazing around, but has an equivalent lifestyle to my own, if not better (I couldn't afford to go on 3 holidays abroad a year).

My DH says at least I've earned it all myself... but it still feels wrong. AIBU?

Your parents would probably say they were making it "fair". They are making it "equal" and it is not fair.

Nothing you can do though, their money, their choice. Does your sister ask for stuff? Try asking yourself if so, you might get a holiday also!

I don't know whether she asks tbh; we don't have much contact. I think it's more that my parents made a massive deal out of giving me the equivalent money of the value of her car, in their words, so that "they're not perceived to be unfair to either one of us", then stipulated I should spend the money on my kids.

I don't know whether it makes me a bad person to want life to be fair; I know it never really is.

Totally get where you are coming from, OP and YADNBU!

I have a very similar sibling (and enabling mother) and I totally understand how upsetting that is. I very much appreciate how far I have gotten on my own and definitely appreciate all I have more than my entitled sibling does, but it can be quite frustrating to do what you are "supposed to" all the time (aka get good grades, moving out and getting a job early etc...) to then see your sibling do the total opposite and get rewarded for it while you get no recognition nor support.

At the end of the day though, your parents aren't doing your sister any favour. Sure, as long as they are alive she gets to "enjoy the good life" with their money and it's incredibly unfair but when they are gone and she realizes that she has been bailed out all her life and actually doesn't know how to fend for herself, the crash will be hard.

By being independant you have learned life-long skills that nobody can take away from you and that have led you to earning as much as you do. You should be proud.

While I am upset that this brother gets much more support and money than me (and my other siblings), for no apparent reason other than being the golden child, none of us would actually want to be him.

He is entitled, has no educational background (he didn't even make it to high school as he couldn't be arsed!), no real job prospect (even managed to get kicked out of the army within 2 months of getting in) doesn't know how to manage 'his' money and have a rather shit personality, so I can't see many women putting up with him long-term especially in a few years when girls his age will want to start a family.

So yes, he gets money but no amount of money can undo the amount of damages that have been done by my mother for coddling him, enabling him and constantely bailing him out like she has.

I feel quite sad for him tbh, and while someday I feel like I have been given the short end of the straw, objectively, it's him who has.

Try and just be happy you are not your sister, OP. Imagine surviving on other people's money and still being dependant on your parents at almost 40. Not really something to be proud of/jealous of, if you really think about it.

The resentment you feel is a wasted emotional drain. Time to give your head a wobble. You should feel proud to have built a solid life for yourself through nothing but your own hard work. There is nothing to envy about a person who has had everything handed to them, and I promise they have no respect for themselves. Let this resentment go.

Thank you for your replies. A and a good sleep later and things do indeed not look as glum this morning. I know that what goes around will come around again.

It's not even really my sister's fault; my parents' actions have caused her to be dependent on them to a big extent and only learn things like basic cooking, for example, at the age of 35. But she will defend them to the hilt, see nothing wrong in what they are doing as it's only fair, because, apparently, everything comes to me naturally. There was a time she hadn't spoken to me in over a year, because I got publicly upset at my parents ignoring the existence of my third child and trying to buy the affection of my second-born, rather than actually spend time with them.

I know it's them. And I know that I have skills and talents my sister simply never had to acquire. I suppose I also know that, deep down, she is jealous of my life and incredibly insecure. It doesn't really bring me joy, but some feeling of grim satisfaction.

If/when your parents come to you in their old age and expect your care I’d tell them to GTF and rely on their golden daughter to wipe their bums and sort everything out.