Overnight with NRP AIBU to panic?

[fucketyfuckfuck]

DS father sent me contact arrangements to agree to. I'm happy for DS to see his father overnight. Or at least I was...

it mentions he's moving home. DS Dad has a MH condition that I was previously reassured by DS having overnights with his DF as he lived with a parent. His condition could suddenly deteriorate to a point he wouldn't be able to care appropriately for DS. His parent would have been able to spot signs that meant he was getting unwell and step in, a new partner or a mate wouldn't necessarily be wise to these enough to feel confident about DS safety. Or necessarily take responsibility in the way his grandparent would for his welfare and interfere if necessary. So as not to drip-feed there have been alcohol problems too and I'm not sure how controlled that is, he was so drunk he didn't turn up for contact just a few months ago (intentionally drank to drunk prior to making his way to collect him and simply never arrived)

I don't have any contact with DS Dad to know the setup of the new home. I don't know where it is. Who it's with, if anyone.

AIBU in feeling I have to know those details before handing my DS over for any overnights? He's 5

As a mum I'm terrified he may be moving in with a new partner (of whom I know nothing about not even their hypothetical existence and DS certainly has not met yet.

I feel if it's a new partner I can't suddenly hand DS over for overnights without him gradually getting to know a potential sudden step-parent figure first. He has form for intense toxic relationships that don't last long. I would really want to see the relationship lasting for some length of time before someone is introduced to my son on the level of looking after him during overnight contact ideally. AIBU in that? I just think it could very easily be a case of a woman dating him in a whirlwind and moving in together and likely to go tits up and in and out of my DS life very swiftly when she finds out what his dad is like to actually live with.

I can't rely on his dad to think through any emotional impact. He simply won't have thought through. And tbh any woman who is dating him with the decisions he's made in the last few years isn't someone id trust to be considering emotional impact on a child of becoming involved with them.

I don't know it's a new partner I'm just panicking if the grandparent isn't there about overnights. I might not be being rational. Tbh I didn't ever think his father would attempt to live independently but he may have decided to try.

I can't simply "ask him" obviously I have ways to find out but it's not as easy as picking up the phone and having a chat and before I make any decisions or ask any questions I just want to get clear what is rational and reasonable to demand is clarified to me, and to agree or disagree in my child's best interests.

Help me be rational please.

Sorry so long. Anyone?!

If it's about the new partner, yes you're being unreasonable. You don't get to police your ex's relationships beyond your break up and as the parent he has responsibility.

If it's about his mental health issues, you need to assess if you're able to amend the contact agreement to ensure your child's safety.

But again, as for any new partner, you don't get a say in that.

Is the contact court ordered? If not state you were happy for him to have overnights with supervision from X but if that is not going to be the case then you will hold off on the overnights.

No you are not being unreasonable to want to know the living arrangements of your son's father before agreeing to contact arrangements that include overnight visits. I would certainly want to know where my 5 year old would be going to stay and who else was living there.

Not court ordered no.

“Reasonable to demand”. Pretty bad phrasing. You don’t get to demand anything really. Ask. Or ask a court.

Plenty of people are perfectly able parents, while having “MH conditions” btw...

It's partly about possible new partner, I'm emotional about the thought of one in DS life. Realise it is and has always been a possibility I will have to cope with. There was no partner 4 months ago, one of a few weeks/months or so had just broken up with him saying she couldn't cope with his problems. He told me about that and I know that one lived far away and he left town to see her and saw DS the weekends he didn't go to her I know this for sure so if a new one she is 4 months old at the most. Hopefully I'm catastrophosising.

They are @NightAndShiningArmour but DS father has proved repeatedly he is not one of those.

I don't think you are BU and I can appreciate that it's not necessarily your business if a new partner becomes involved but if you have genuine concerns that any new partner may be detrimental to your child's well-being then of course it is your business.
Are you on decent terms with his parents? Would they share your concerns and perhaps have a practical solution or be able to offer you some insight about what is happening?
Other options would be to seek legal advice and go the court route and/or speak to Social Care to discuss your concerns. Have they been involved previously?
Ultimately you can't send a five year old child to somewhere where you have a genuine concern that they might come to harm, whether that be for an hour or overnight. While I'm totally against children being used as pawns in parents' battles if your concerns and reasoning are as you described then you, as the responsible, currently more capable parent have to be the one to take responsibility for it.
For the record I'm not saying that what I'm saying applies to everyone who has MH and/or problems with addictions, or any other illness or disability. Just to the situation the OP describes. A lot of people do manage, some people need support. Something like an agreement that your child will only visit at grandparents house while a grandparent is present might be beneficial.
I hope you resolve the situation OP bit I genuinely feel you can't just allow your child to go without some safeguarding being in place.

The likelihood he'd come to any real physical harm is slim. He's very sensible and can pretty much look after himself. E.g. At home he can get himself breakfast I've discovered (sure it's cereal all over the floor if he does, but he knows how) he can go to the toilet, brush teeth, dress, and help himself to basic food - e.g. bread, cereal, fruit.

The likelihood of him coming to emotional harm is considerably likely - if he finds his Dad in a drunken or particularly unstable state. Also if a woman is introduced as a stepmother figure one month and gone the next. That sort of thing.

Not exactly on any terms with the grandparents, no fallout - just not in touch. I tried to keep in contact to begin with but we weren't ever close to start with. Wouldn't be able to just call up for a chat. I trust them however. Have only spoken regarding necessities over last several years so a handful of times. Used to just speak to him but I'm evil villain since I told him not arriving as he'd become too drunk on route was the shittiest thing to do to DS... especially as he'd called him on route saying he'd be there soon... and then popped into several pubs until paralytic! We were worried sick and it was simply selfishly going out on the piss after saying to your kid "I'm round the corner"

I've not got my head around why that happened or why he didn't just say he wasn't round the corner and was going to get pissed.

How well do you get on with his parents? Could you discuss any of this with them?

Do you get on with your ex well enough to discuss this? Or could you suggest to him that the first few times DS is at his place his GPs are there to ‘settle him in’ too?

Yep it's a new partner. Definitely different to the one from 4 months ago.

Do I have any legal rights to say contact in a contact centre only?

DS father has put us through enough. The trauma of a new partner who won't last doesn't seem fair for overnights suddenly.

He hasn't even seen his "father" for months (fathers choice) and suddenly overnights with new partner?!

Poor woman. I now have a DV support worker. It won't last.

Anyone around tonight for a handhold/advice?