AIBU to just leave their stuff?

[AndroidsConundrum]

This is going to be massively outing, but sod it!

I live with my DP in a duplex flat. DP owns the flat, I'm not on the mortgage and I don't have a tenancy agreement (yes, I know, but I can't afford a solicitor to draw up an equity agreement and work part-time, still a student) At Christmas, DP's mate was planning to split up with his girlfriend and at my suggestion (to save him continuing to live with her to save money in spite of wanting to break up with her!) I said this mate should come and stay with us. In January, he split and moved in. In late February, DP asked whether I wanted to make it a longer-term thing. The mate (FM, flatmate!) started paying us rent and moved upstairs. He also doesn't have an official agreement.

I like FM. We've been friends for as long as I've known DP. We get on well, and back in January I was working really long hours and DP was studying so it was nice to have company and have someone to go to the pub with. He moans about DP a lot (they moan about each other) and because DP and I weren't getting along, it was nice to have someone who kind of knew where I was coming from. FM can be a bit sexist and direct, and he likes to explain things to me at length like my job but apart from that he's an alright guy.

And now he's been living here for months. We share cooking, shopping and bills between the three of us. FM and DP used to live together for a few years when I was at uni, and apparently have similar high standards for flat cleanliness. They expect the surfaces in the kitchen clean, cooker clean, all things put away and no 'clutter' at any time. FIY their old flat was a shithole and hardly ever met this standard.

FM doesn't like my cooking. He complains to DP all the time that I'm messy, or leave my stuff in the kitchen (laptop and shoes and things) or don't clean the cooker every night. DP agrees. FM is aggressive and mean to me one minute and then sweet as fuck the other times. He correct me during conversations, or argues with me about politics or whatever endlessly. He does the same to DP who will have 'a chat' about how I'm spoken to, yet simultaneously agree with him.

Last week, I'd gone out to a class, then come back and was sat working in the kitchen. The kitchen wasn't clean, granted, and I was making stuff for lunches for the week. FM came in from the gym, stood there with his arms folded for about five minutes then demanded that I clean the kitchen because he can't cook. I (probably badly) responded "don't cook then". He went for a shower, I cleaned the kitchen. He came back, started telling me I was rude, arrogant and disrespectful and should apologise for my comment. Then said that I didn't understand shared space, that I am messy, leave my stuff everywhere, and I'm childish. I left and went to work in a cafe. DP comes home, FM has told him that I stropped for half an hour because he'd reasonably asked me to clean up, and started being a bitch about it. DP came to the cafe and asked me to make peace and apologise! Later he said that he's often told me to clean up, and that I generally tend to throw a massive stop and pointedly don't clean just to piss him off. That I act like a twelve year old, moan about FM all the time and if I was just cleaner, neither of them would have a go at me.

I do the majority of the cleaning. I clean the bathroom and the kitchen and do the dishwasher and hoover and dust and shop... for the last two weeks I've been making sure absolutely none of my stuff is left anywhere (I've done this experiment a couple of times to "keep peace") and all the dishes, shoes, coats etc are FM's. He's left dishes out. Nobody's hoovered. I've cooked and nobody's been in to eat it. FM shaves in his bathroom and leaves hairs on the floor. I had to ask him three times to clean the bathroom because it hadn't been done for two months. DP hasn't cleaned anything apart from wiping the kitchen/cooker for three weeks and counting.

AIBU to just leave all the stuff to prove a point? DP thinks I'm being childish but it's his stuff left out too. They're as bad as each other and I'm fucking sick of being painted out to be the messy one!

"DP doesn't want FM to move out because he thinks it'll ruin their friendship."

So he'd rather that your relationship is ruined??

That's you told then.

And you want to stay with him because?

DP is reluctant to put me on the deeds because he (and his family) put a massive amount of deposit in. So the solicitor would need to draw up an equity agreement whereby his deposit is protected, but I own the amount I've paid in rent. If I did this, he'd put me on the deeds/mortgage.

If YOU did it. While you don't, he's more than happy to sit pretty?

Eager to make damn sure that he isn't disadvantaged from the absolute get-go, but it's fine for things to rumble along with, essentially, you being taken for a mug?

This situation with PrickFriend illustrates quite a lot about how your 'D'P sees you, and none of it is good.

If he loved and respected you, there is no way that 'friend' would dare speak to you and treat you the way he does. He does it because it's clearly just fine by your DP. Hell, he treats you the same way!

Likewise, if he loved and respected you, that agreement would have been drawn up from the start.

Your DP is a little dog in the manger.

Think hard about staying with him.

You need to split the cleaning and cooking three ways. It's only fair.

I would get some plastic tubs and line them with bin liner, and anything that's left out of there's just put it in that. Don't clean up after them. Just leave it.

Do you want FM to move out?

Do you even want to live there and be with your partner.

I don't think there's a way out of this situation other than me moving out (and consequently splitting with DP) or FM moving out and me having do be the one who asks him to go. And in both of those situations, it's horrible for me, but DP is fine.

DP does his fair share of housework, and he's pretty tidy. He thinks all adults should just clean up after themselves and do what needs doing. He's never lived with more than one other person. He won't shop, plan meals, adhere to any kind of cleaning rota whatsoever or entertain any discussion that means he's living in "some stupid student flat share". FM bloody loves a rota and list, because he's a massive control freak. Last time I had a go about the overall state of the flat and a plan forward, FM was on my side

God this is hideous.

My blood pressure is rising reading about these shits

@GorgonLondon

You didn't pay any deposit, you are not paying off a mortgage, you've just been renting some space in his flat, like his mate - and also without a tenancy agreement, like his mate.

A lodger who pays rent, doesn't have any tenancy rights, does the cleaning and provides sex to the landlord.

I cant imagine being with someone a decade and not putting them on the mortgage. That was a bit mean.

Erm, think you need to get down CAB or ring Shelter or something. Pretty sure you've been told the wrong thing re mortgages, equity, etc.

I'm 50:50 on our property and I don't have a great work history etc and we move a lot, so been through lots of mtg apps and conveyancing without issue.

You can be tenants in common or joint tenants for the purpose of buying the property, so you'd do the first if you were putting in different amounts of equity at the start and partners are usually ok doing the second.

But the mortgage is just depending on affordability and if you as partners can afford it, then I can't see the issue with being on the mortgage too, should have been from the initial application, if you were around then.

At the moment, it is his house and as you're not married, you have very few rights. TBH, technically, you're a lodger with no security of tenure, I think.

Do you want to carry on indefinitely like this? They have no reason to chance things so won't. FM gets to throw his dick around picking on you. Your supposed partner gets to bond with his buddy about how useless you are and has you for your feminine charms 🤢

if, as a grown woman, you are resorting to playing childish games to get other grown adults to value you, then you will lose, whatever the outcome of the games.

Move out. Date your DP, visit as a guest. Let them live together to their own standards. (I would put money on them paying for a cleaner, they don't see it as their job and if they can't get a woman to do the cleaning for free like you, they'll pay a woman to do it).

When your DP is ready to settle down with you, you can decide how you want to live together. I would say only the 2 of you and you dno't pay anything towards the mortgage unless your name is on the deeds. You can pay towards joint bills, but you don't pay him 'rent'. (And a quick visit to a solicitor should mean you can draw up an agreement that allows for the fact his family put in the deposit and get that ringfenced)

OK so you said either you need to move out or FM needs to move out. Which one would you prefer?

Is your name Dorothy?

You are an adult. You are a flatmate - oh and a cleaner. I think your relationship with DP was over a while ago. Move out.

Actually seeing your last message properly - why would you have to split up if you moved out?

Lots of couples date living separately because living together doesn't work.

That said, from your OP, it doesn't sound like this is a particularly healthy relationship. Think carefully, are you in a relationship with your DP because you are in a relationship with your DP? If you have reached the point when you are regularly moaning about him to others, don't seem to be respected or cared about by him, but have been with him for a decade and it's comfy, rip the plaster off.

Woah! If a lodger spoke to me more than once this way, he’d be out!

I'd be out of there as well. Leave the pair of them to it, then they can do their own fecking cleaning.

Is there someone who you could stay with for a while?

You can own the flat in different portions according to what you pay, what deposit, what you choose. You dont need an income, just be added to the existing mortgage and deeds.
He's been misleading you, you've been had.

You and DP are not compatible and it's time for you to move on op.
Sadly you own nothing apart from a few bits of furniture and have no rights in this situation.

FM thing is neither here nor there.

The fact that DP is being so hands off in this situation is telling. He's just not invested into the relationship. Is it time to call it a day?

FM does this to me. We went away for the weekend and I came back to my post/laptop/charger that I'd left on the kitchen table piled up in front of our bedroom door.
Someone seems to be forgetting you let him move in 'temporarily until he found somewhere else.' He doesnt own the place. If he cant stand such basic things in a kitchen he has big problems. Tell him to leave your damm stuff alone its your home he is the lodger. although you basically are too he doesnt need to know that

Your dp is spineless. He cant speak frankly to his so called friend but wants you to be the bad guy. What a drip.

Sorry but you can do better. Leave them and thier mutual ego boosting bromance to drown in the mess they will create once you leave then laugh in thier faces.

It's not your flat, it's his flat - he paid the deposit and the mortgage. You are, as others have pointed out, the lodger. You agree with this, yet don't seem to fully realise it.

Leave the lover boys to it, move out and next time get on the mortgage/deeds or whatever if you want a claim over someone's property.

And to the people telling her to stake a claim on the property... it's not her bloody property!

This is exhausting enough to read so goodness knows how you're living it. OP, your partner is treating you like shit and is happy to let his friend treat you like shit too. Don't spend your life with someone who is too cowardly to stick up for your relationship - it will be painful to move out, but in six months you'll look back and wonder how you ever lived with it.

I can't actually get past the fact that the lodger had the outright gall to put the owner's partner's stuff in front of their bedroom door, as though he has equal footing in the flat, or more!
The fact that he thought he could do this shows how little respect he has for you as your partner's girlfriend. And if your partner let him get away with that, then he has no respect for you either.

Are you SURE you want to stay in a relationship with this guy? 10 years is a long relationship, sure, but it won't be the end of the world if you ditch it and find a better one!

Also, if you do decide to ask the lodger to leave and it affects the friendship with your DP (and it will) then YOU will get the blame, from both ends. This is not a fight worth having - so I really really would find somewhere else to live, or at least stay for a while. It doesn't have to mean the end of your relationship - but it might be a wake-up call for your DP who currently isn't being very dear!

FM knows the financial/flat situation. He knows I've got the same rights as him.

I love this flat, it's my home. And I love my DP. We have an amazing time together when it's just us. If anyone else spoke to me in that way he'd lose his shit. It pisses him off when FM is a wanker to me. He's a wanker to DP too. He demanded a full spreadsheet with the bills itemised when we adjusted his monthly payments (because we changed broadband etc). He slags DP off to our friends and to me. He'd happily go and tell DP that he hasn't cleaned something 'properly'.

I think your partner is gutless. It's supposed to be a home for you and him, effectively your marital home, not a student style flat-share, and he's too gutless to ask the flatmate to move out, leaving it to you. He should be the one to tell the flatmate to leave. If any lodger dared speak to me like that, they'd be out quick sharp.

What percentage of the mortgage are you and the flatmate paying?