Always buying gifts we can't really afford

[sweetpotatoe]

Just having a vent here as I know if I tried talking to family about it they wouldn't understand and probably call me tight.
Think it's got to me more as I have recently gone part time. I just feel I am constantly buying gifts and having to budget for gifts. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, mother day, Father's Day and so on. I think my problem is is that we have all always spent a similar amount and each other and it is expected. I do want to still buy them gifts but just not be expected to spend as much. My sister for example always tells me what she wants and it's always top end of the budget. When I was full time I suppose it didn't bother me as much. Tbh I use to love giving gifts to my family/friends. Now I have bills/DC and less money.
I do sometime consider saying something but know I will just get called tight. A lot of my family I personally believe are abit reckless with money (not my business I know they can do what they want with it) they always get into debt at Xmas for example I don't want to. AIBU to feel like this? Am I tight?

You don’t have to spend the same as them.

You don’t have to buy your sister what she asks for.

I have no idea what my siblings spend on my parents. I suspect our budgets are quite different.

YANBU, you aren’t tight. It’s not good for the planet to be buying tons of stuff. Some people equal how much you spend for them with how much you love them, but of course that’s not right.
An article I read a while back that children remember much more days out and activities done together than presents that we buy them. I think it is more important to invest in experiences and time spent together.

It’s up to you 🤷🏻‍♀️ Personally I’d let everyone know that you either want to stop giving presents or that you only want to give token presents. It wouldn’t bother me if they called me tight. It seems ridiculous to spend money giving gifts if you don’t won’t to spend the cash on them.

It's really hard to be the person of reason in a family of spendthrifts. My in laws, bless them, are big spenders considering their income. At Christmas they spend about £150 per person which is just a shocking amount to me.

When DH and I first met it was important to me to have financial stability. It took his family about 2 years to accept that we don't spend lots on gifts for the holidays. We have supported them financially and will continue to do so but I'm not wasting my time on finding £150 of gifts for Christmas and birthdays for 8 people. I don't have the patience for that.

Goodness me just stop. Some people chuck around the word 'tight' like a word that means 'regularly kicks puppies in the face'.

Bollocks to them, if they're rude enough to moan and insult you they're tough enough to take it back and be told that they're out of order and have no business dictating your budget the grabby feckers.

Since my wages reduced I agreed with family we would do smaller presents and have kept to that including with my husband. I just couldn’t afford Christmas.

Easter "gifts" are not a thing.

Then don't. I just don't buy gifts for anyone and make it clear I don't expect anything bought for me. My savings are very grateful I take this approach.

Thanks everyone think I may just say something. It's not that I want to stop buying presents just want to reduce what I spend. I definitely agree spending time together/doing things is so much more important to me. Part of the reason I haven't said anything yet is that me and DH use to travel a lot. So to us it is important that we still always do a big holiday each year. So I feel like if I do comment they would point out we are happy to afford our holidays. What they don't realise is though in order to afford said holiday me and DH often don't buy each other birthday/anniversary/Xmas gifts unless it's just something small or a card. The holiday is the gift.

I would tell them all at the same time that you are not currently in a position to spend so much on gifts then outline what you plan to do ( maybe cut out Easter gifts and then spend less on other occasions) and make sure they know that you do not expect people to spend as much on you. Then just implement what you have said and ignore any jibes.

Just point out that you've recently gone part time, so your budget for presents will obviously be affected.

Your sister sounds a bit cheeky. Just tell her you can't afford it. You are allowed to say that!

So I feel like if I do comment they would point out we are happy to afford our holidays.

How you spend your money is entirely your business.

Seriously. It’s nothing to do with anyone else.

I wouldn’t feel the need to do a big announcement. I’d just cut what I spend.

Stop doing adult presents unless it is an important milestone birthday. No need and we certainly don't do it. A card is plenty and a text if you remember.

Limit dc to #10 max and think about going handmade or buying in bulk.

You don't have to do anything. If you are part time do the same with fathers day and simply get the dc to make something for him, far nicer anyway.

All my cards are homemade and I have recently started making gifts too.

Ugh. I hear you, OP. I record my Xmas spending each year, and this year was a record spend. I got into debt, through credit cards, and that vicious circle carried on until a couple of months ago when I did a balance transfer. I’ll pay off my debt in September.

I’m furious with myself for it. I will be paying for last Xmas, till September. FFS.

I’m also furious with my OH, who has a higher disposable income than me and who this year really led the selection of gifts/budget for the DCs - which I pay 50% of. When I tried to kerb spending by spending less on my family (who would have been lovely and understanding), my OH was shocked and furious when he saw the gifts I’d bought for my DM and DB - because they were too small. He was absolutely right, that they’re so generous to us and I wasnt reciprocating. So, full of guilt and shame and almost tears I went back to the shops for more gifts. I can’t remember what 90% of this year’s gifts were. I can’t remember what I gave him (apart from the gift I tried to hand-make which went wrong ) and I can’t remember what he gave me. I’m slightly surprised I can’t remember his gift, as he’s usually happy to ask for something £££.

Sorry, I appear to have had my own rant instead of offering support :)

YANBU. You are not being tight. But I don’t know what to do

About 5 years ago we had a change of circumstances and I had to drastically change our budget for everything, including presents.
Nobody actually noticed! It took a bit more time to find thoughtful presents that were still within the budget but it was fine
Now we are actually better off than before our “blip” but I haven’t changed how much I spend and even if other family members go overboard I just won’t. It’s just all stuff, and too much of it

How much do you spend?

My friends/family only ever do token gifts (generally in the £10-£30 range - there is no set amount). Occasionally we might give a gift that is more generous but it is never for a set event (birthday/Christmas etc).

I wish we could ditch them and just stick to time/cards/simple text - nothing to do with money just find it a bit tedious. My brother agrees and we've just exchanged cards for years now.

If they are in the habit of giving expensive presents to you, then I do think you have to say something or make some sort of announcement---otherwise you are going to get unpleasant reactions ("We just gave her a wonderful XXXX and she's only given us a YYYY, how cheap"). Or even if they don't actually say anything, you will feel weird/guilty about it and end up buying more presents anyway to assuage your feelings and then you will be back to square one.

I think you need to write an email to everyone stating that you'd like to do no-gifts for things like Easter, and a budget of XYZ for all other gifts. And that other people are welcome to give each other expensive gifts if they want to, obviously, but you would like people to respect this when it comes to the presents they give to you. If they have had fair warning, they can't accuse you of being non-reciprocal.

"There are no conditions, such as reciprocity, attached. "
I get this in theory, but in practice I would cringe at getting an expensive gift if I had given a cheap one, and my resolution to spend less would go out of the window.

I strongly recommend the OP is upfront with people about this.

I'd say something. Who do you buy for? Either do birthdays or christmas (or neither) for adults. Or set up a secret santa with a price limit you are happy with. Cards for other occasions. Maybe flowers on mothers day?

You are not tight. Don't always be on the edge of your finances.

Switch it around OP - if I knew a friend or relative had to forgo their yearly holiday so that they could afford my birthday/xmas gift I would be mortified! Far too much value is put on materialistic things in life anyway.

Every year mine and DP's family have an xmas budget of £10 per person, and bdays £20 each so it doesn't get silly! It often means the gifts are more thoughtful I find xx

DH's family have always spent a lot on each other. Probably because they're well off. His parents and his sister and her husband all had good jobs and paid off the mortgage. In contrast to us - DH has a similarly good job but I earned peanuts and lost my job when I got pregnant, and we still have a mortgage to pay. So we basically only have half the income and a lot more expenses. It drove me nuts before we got married when DH used to spend a fortune on Christmas. Especially because the rest of them waste money on stupid gifts so we were spending all this money and not even getting anything decent in return.

After we got married I put my foot down (your money is now our money etc) and set a £50 limit for Christmas and birthdays and only an egg for Easter. So the whole lot including Mothers/Fathers Day now costs about £750 per year, which I think is quite enough. Imo his family regard me as the baddie for imposing a limit but I don't care.

You aren’t being tight if you are spending within your means. ‘Tight’ is a term typically used for people who are financially well off but choose to be purposely tight fisted with their money. This is entirely different, you need to stick to a budget and others should understand that.

Any possibility you can suggest you just buy for children? We've done that with one part of our family, but haven't suggested it for another part yet as not all of those involved have children (so asking them to buy for our DD while their immediate family get nothing feels pretty mean). However it's reduced gift buying somewhat.

You definitely aren't tight for not wanting to get in debt for a few presents.

I know this won't deal with the underlying problem, but I have become a bargain hunter since having my children. I buy in sales, from ebay etc and put away until needed. This means I can buy really good presents, but within my budget. For example, I recently bought DN a tote bag for £10 (was £20) which I have put away for Xmas.