Have you ever ghosted a friend/friends?

[DrowningEveryDay]

Why did you do it?

Yes I did a couple of years ago to my then best friend. Gradually stopped replying, not arranging to meet etc. The last time i saw her was awkward (a birthday meal), and I never got in touch again.
I discovered lots of things she’d said about me to a mutual friend, our paths had changed and I didn’t want to be part of it anymore but didn’t want a confrontation either.
That was over two years ago, haven’t even given it a second thought since then.

Yes, we met through a mh support group and clicked. She is a very nice person, but as I recovered while she continued to heal I could see she was becoming dependant on me and it wasn't healthy. She'd randomly turn up which would set my MH back as I couldn't relax at home. I knew it was for the best for us both if I let the friendship go.

Not proud, but I wasn't in a good enough place to properly let her down. I've heard she's doing much better these days and I'm really thrilled for her, but it's not a friendship I want to rekindle.

No I haven’t but essentially my old university ‘friends’ did it to me when I told them I was gay. After we been close for 4 years and shared a house post uni. It was awful. I moved out and haven’t really ever seen them again, occasionally at a wedding of mutual friend. I think now theyd be embarrassed by their behaviour but this was 20 years ago and I lost about half my friends at the time for the same reason. Luckily my family were amazing which made me realise it was them not me.

Oh yes, talking about men made me remember some more. I’ve ghosted two male friends for hitting on me.

The first one I was friends with for ages. He knew I was in a long term, committed relationship. I was very clear that we were only going to be friends. I kicked him out of my house for hitting on me once while my DP was asleep in the next room. Didn’t see him for ages then ran into him out one night, he apologised, we became friends again.

Years later DP and I moved overseas then friend moved to same city. We hung out all together sometimes. One of our last nights we were there we went out with friend. I was saying I was sad to be leaving so he seriously asked me to dump DP (of 14 years) and marry him to we could stay there together. I said no and left. Reader, I ghosted him.

Another male friend was aware of how disrespectful I found it to be hit on by male friends who knew I was in a long term relationship. He knew about the above guy and how upsetting I found it. After a few years of friendship he got drunk at a party and hit on me too. Made worse by the fact that it was a party at his house in the suburbs, DP was there, we’d travelled to his city a long way to see him and were supposed to be staying there.

He’s been in contact a few times and I think he feels bad about it but I don’t feel valued at all as a friend so I’m not wasting time on it.

I’m afraid I did it recently with a close friend due to a whole complex range of reasons. Ultimately I realised that she was annoying me so much that it was massively affecting my wellbeing. Very sad but I just couldn’t cope with her any more. Did it with another friend recently much more directly with a text that said, this isn’t working for me, I’ll see you around. I think this is the better way in that situation - I had already let her know that I was unhappy about her behaviour.

What made me sad was that neither friend fought for the friendship. Neither of them asked if there was a problem or whether there was anything that I needed from the friendship. They both just accepted it without a word. Showed me that although I’d agonised about it, it was the right thing.

Once with a former flat mate. We'd previously been friends, though not close, and my then DP and I moved into a flatshare with her. Worst mistake ever. She went Single White Female on me, started dating one of my exes, insinuated herself into our friendship circle. I heard one day how she spoke to my DP when she thought I wasn't around. Nasty conniving bitch. I made arrangements for us to move out shortly after and dropped all contact. It took a while for my friends to see through her but they did in the end.

I’ve never ghosted anyone, but I have been ghosted.

I have no idea why, & saw her a few years later in a play gym.(couple of months ago).

I felt embarrassed & didn’t have the nerve to ask her what happened. Actually, don’t think I I want to know!

Yes - a friend of about 30 years standing when I realised every meeting had become her talking endlessly about herself. She had no interest in me or my life. The final straw was when a family member died - she knew they were critically ill but never even asked after them.

I felt bad because I never really explained why I ghosted her so I never gave her chance to change her behaviour. Probably because I knew she couldn't. I do wonder if she was like that with everyone, or just me.

It's interesting how the people doing the ghosting have a list of really valid reasons for the ghosting, but the ghosted (ghostees?) are all 'I have no idea what I did...'

I too have been ghosted. I went with a friend to a hen party of a very very good friend. We were both very pregnant and turned down an offer from the MOH of an orange juice and had a glass of wine each. MOH gave us a short lecture on risks of drinking in pregnancy. We replied that we were aware, thanks, etc.

FF to after the wedding and we were both blanked. Ignored. I was very very ill in pregnancy & I never heard from her. Didn't hear from her when the baby arrived or for years later.

She forgave the other friend and made contact with her but not with me. Turns out MOH had a history of miscarriage and was devastated by our drinking and our attitude to her advice.

She contacted me 4yrs later asking for professional advice (healthcare) and I did let her have it with both barrels. She denied the ghosting completely.

2 yrs on from that and we are in occasional contact. I did miss her but it will never be the same again.

All in all it's been 7 yrs.

SpandexTutu - I think it is because there is no point in explaining to someone if you want them out of your life. It would only cause more trouble - and being the cause of trouble is why most people are dropped as friends.

Yes. They know why. Their behaviour way pretty terrible. I tried to forgive and forget but I was living with the consequences of their lies, so decided I’d wasted too much time and energy on this person.

Sorry - that was for AgathaMystery

Yes, to my second year flat mate at uni. She had psychologically tortured me for the entire year we lived together and I was absolutely unable to deal with her for another moment. I moved out while she was out but met her on the street as I was loading my car. She yelled abuse at me while I cried until I drove away. I then blocked her phone number, email, SM etc and never looked back. It caused me some problems because we had a lot of mutual friends but I don't regret it one bit. It was absolutely necessary for my own welfare.

Agatha It's interesting how the people doing the ghosting have a list of really valid reasons for the ghosting, but the ghosted (ghostees?) are all 'I have no idea what I did...'

I don't know that is necessarily the same people/type of situation . They people I've cut off contact with have treated me so horribly, they don't care about me getting in touch, have never asked or tried to make contact, so have never known I suppose! OTOH I've been ghosted, once by my own boyfriend, and the not knowing is horrendous. I've tried to find out but you can't really do that because they get even more unpleasant. A couple of people have got back to me, years later, and apologised and explained what was going on with them. But it's horrible to do it to someone if they've done nothing wrong, or even if they don't know. It's hugely affected me, I'm a little scared of most people now.

Oops, posted too soon - was going to add:
If you're going to ghost someone please spell it out before you do, unless they've done something awful! (And definitely done something awful, not a wild rumour they have )

What made me sad was that neither friend fought for the friendship.

This is interesting to me because if I got a text from a friend saying they didn’t want to talk to me again, I wouldn’t “fight” for anything!

What made me sad was that neither friend fought for the friendship

Gosh! What did you expect them to reply?! I wouldn't reply to a message like that. I wouldn't know what to say. At all.

At least I'd know though. IMO that's not ghosting. Ghosting is zero explanation - what you w done is just cutting someone off. Much less cruel I guess.

Yes I have. The person was a thouriughly draining individual and the only person I’ve ever met who I’ve ever considered could be a narcissist in the medical sense. My life is lighter for not having them in it.

I’ve also been ghosted, I suspect I know why and it boils down to that friend being a snob. So no loss there either.

@Balaboosteh I appreciate you felt sad, I don't think you really wanted to ghost I think you wanted to provoke a reaction that may have healed your relationship with them. I don't think they couldn't be bothered to fight. It would really be quite overstepping boundaries if someone told you they don't want to have any more contact with you so clearly and you persisted to insist they have even further contact to resolve it.

It sounds like it all worked out for the best though which is good but I wouldn't carry around feeling you weren't worth fighting for. You were worth respecting your wishes. That's what happened in the end.

I've been ghosted. I had 3 great friends at uni, and we stayed in touch afterwards for a while. But then suddenly nothing. They just disappeared from my life. I've got back in touch with one of them, who is now a Facebook friend and sometimes likes my posts, but when I found another of them she just blocked me. That really stung.

Thinking about it, I have ghosted friends, and it's because I don't like uncomfortable conversations. I had a friend from my previous church. She used to be my hairdresser, and I used to go to her house for hair appointments. It was a long way and inconvenient, and then I discovered that one of my DDs friends' mums lived 3 doors down (3 DDs who go to their school) and she was a hairdresser. So DDs and I started to go to her for hair appointments.

But it was an excuse really. I'd discovered that she was a gossip, and she told me things that she really shouldn't have told me. This worried me, as I'd shared very personal things with her about my childhood SA and I was very concerned about whether she could be trusted.

This happened with another friend, too. But she kept pushing me to meet up with her, I tried to pull back as she was also draining to be around. I used to meet up with her with one of my DDs in tow, and she would just go on about her own problems, whether with jobs or with her love life. I had too much drama in my own life at the time.

But because she didn't take the hint, we ended up having a blazing row by text. She'd persuaded me to go to an event at her church, a Santa experience, supposedly for DD2. But it was outdoors and it was very bad weather, so I suggested that we should reconsider and maybe do something else, as it wouldn't be fun for DD2. She hadn't paid any money for tickets btw, otherwise her reaction would have had some justification.

But rather than discussing it, she just exploded, said I was spoiling DD2 and she would grow up to be a spoiled brat. Very nasty stuff. Something snapped in me and I let rip at her rather than apologising and backing down, which I'd done in the past. (It had always been a difficult friendship.)

It would have been better if I'd just backed off and let the friendship fizzle out. I'd just felt too bad, and sorry for her. But when someone who kept having problems at work, and kept having to find new jobs, you have to come to the conclusion that the problem was more with her. She used to keep falling out with other friends, too.

Anyway, although upset by the altercation, it had been coming for some time, and my life is a lot better without her in it.

I do find this thread interesting though.

It seems to me ghosters fall into three camps:

1. I really don't want this person in my life and want to avoid an awkward conversation/don't want drama

1. I've dug a little whole for myself because I am proud and/or stubborn and/or they have hurt me so I needed to hide for a while but now I'm OK but don't know how to reach out without it being awkward

1. I want them to change but don't have the tools to say anything so will ghost them in the hope they'll chase me and change

A friend. She was the type of person that was so full on I couldn't handle it. It was always about her, even when I was going through one of the most difficult times of my life she would interrupt me to tell me about her most minor inconveniences to try and one up me.

She also had a habit of trying to hook up with people I had seen when I was younger and one day I just decided she was too OTT and Just didn't answer her again. I wish her well but the conversation would have been about how I don't understand her and she would have made me feel guilty.

It may sound minor to some people but to me the constant messages and demanding of my attention became too much, especially once I had kids and she couldn't understand why I couldn't go out all the time, or wouldn't want to.

I have no regrets.

Anyone who shows the first indication of being a user is binned. I have neither the time nor energy for these folk.