AIBU to ask how long your child's smacking phase lasted?

[MyChildIsaThug]

DS just about to turn 3 has been in a hitting phase since around Christmas. His brother was born at the beginning of January, and we were admitted back into hospital for a week when he was 6 weeks, so there have been lots of changes. He's also only fairly recent dropped his naps (DS1 obviously, not the baby!) and is very tired a lot of the time which doesn't help matters.

He doesn't usually hit hard, but obviously this is not the point! He will hit his brother any chance he gets, so I can't leave them alone even for a second. He hits a lot at playgroup (he goes twice a week). Usually when he's being territorial about toys, but will also randomly walk up to children and smack them. He will occasionally smack adults, and in fact last week hit one of the playgroup workers when she intervened after he hit a child.

We've tried time out, starting with marbles at the start of a playgroup session with a reward if he's kept any (he's not managed this) ignoring as much as possible but nothing is working. He knows. He will tell you that hitting is wrong. He just doesn't care. I suspect a lot of it is attention seeking.

I'm really worried about September as he will start going to a childminder on days that I work and she has just told me she will be looking after two 2 year olds at the same time. Knowing how he is around his baby brother I'm really worried about this.

So finally, to my AIBU. How long did your child's hitting phase last? It seems to have been going on for a long time already...

My ds used to smack his new baby brother on the head when he was in the bouncer or car seat. I found the gentle hands technique effective. So I got him to tickle Ds2 feet or tummy rather than hit. Also when he wanted Ds2 toys I got him to swap with a different toy. They now (mostly) have a while of a time together at 2 and 4yo. With regards to hitting other children again, you can't just ignore this. So when he slaps you or anyone take his hands and show him how to gently and nicely stroke your cheeks and say 'use gentle hands'. With other kids you need to step in immediately, keep a very close eye and take him outside or home. Apologise to injured child.

*whale of a time

Dd went through a phase of hitting and can still do it when she is frustrated. She's 2.5 and dd2 is 4 months. She did lash out at the baby but never hard. Was always for attention. She also hit at the park if someone was in her way or playing on the same equipment.

We dealt with it by telling her constantly that hands are for hugs. And explaining that hitting made people sad.

It felt like I was telling her off all the time. I was really worried that this would damage her psychologically and harm her relationship with us and her sister.

What I found worked best was to tell off dd2 for silly things. Don't pull your sisters hair. That's naughty. Don't hit, hands are for hugs, isn't that right dd1.

It made the environment seem more balanced.

If dd1 hits when at the park I take her off the equipment and if it happens again we go home. We do a build up on the way to the park where I explain that if she hits we will go home and no chocolate/ice cream/iPad for the rest of the day.

I know that won't work for Nursery though.

Watching with interest, I have a DS coming up for 2 who is going through this and it's so frustrating. No younger siblings but a (very patient) dog who is getting most of his wrath and I get hit a lot too, and sometimes friends if they take what he's playing with. He just gets so wound up and can't express. So be good to hear some advice too!

Dd's phase was about a month.

The book 'hands are not for hitting' was good. I think you may need a more immediate consequence- if you start him with 4 Marbles surely he learns that he can hit 3 times? I firm warning and then straight home If he can't play nicely.

One of mine was bad for slapping me around the face at 2 year old. After all the 'appproced' routes i took to slapping him back when he did and calmly explaining that i don't like it so does he? It worked, he stopped slapping and learned some empathy.

However I am probably a child abuser on mumsnet terms.....

When I say playgroup it's one where you leave children and they are supervised by staff. Of I am with him and he hits I remove him.

At toddler group I used to take DS out if he hit another child. If he did it again we left.
We also repeated 'kind hands' a lot. He went through a phase where he seemed to have a compulsion to got other children, but the above tactics seemed to sort that.

Maybe more similarly he started hitting (kicking, headbutting, biting) me after I had an operation. I cuddled him while gently restraining him so he couldn't hurt me and talked to him about how he was feeling. He was basically very scared that I'd been ill and that made him very angry. We've had some similar behaviour of and on since, usually when he's been very scared or anxious, I've stopped him hurting me, encouraged him to talk about how he's feeling and repeated the kind hands thing. He seems to be growing out of it - he's five now and was three when I had my op.

You really need to be a lot stricter with him to get it out of his system. Hitting should mean he has all toys and other privileges removed for the rest of the day and he should also be placed on the naughty step immedistdly for an extended period.

Thanks for replies. It's really when I'm not there that I need advice with. As I said, I'm not at playgroup. I won't be there with the childminder. Playgroup have given up with time out as it is just not working.

I feel for you! We have been going through the same exact thing. 3 year old hitting the baby and has hit his cm.

I found the more attention I gave it the more it happened. I hated not enjoying my time with him as I was always worrying it would happen again. It's still not perfect but better. Rather than reasoning and telling off (he knows it's wrong) I started just saying 'that's sad' or 'I/we don't like that' and get up and walk away from the activity or room with the baby. Then as I am sure you are doing giving loads of praise for any help or any positives. It is so hard at times to find them. He barely does it now and is really keen to help with other tasks.

Hopefully by September he'll have grown out of it but most cms will have seen it before and will have tactics there too. Good luck