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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

playdate - how do i tell the truth here?

48 replies

eddielizzard · 09/05/2018 20:10

my dd (7) has been asked on a playdate. great! but she says this girl pinches her cheeks really hard and doesn't stop when she tells her not to. this girl has done other things that my dd won't tell me about but has told my other dd (her sister). i know she doesn't like this girl but has accepted an invitation to her party in a few weeks. she definitely doesn't want to go on the playdate. still wants to go to party tho not to do with cake.

the parent has given me the choice of what day is convenient to me so i can't just say we're busy.

shall i just tell them the truth? their kid is being mean to mine so she doesn't want to hang out? how the fuck do i say it nicely without making things awkward?

or shall i just make some crap excuse like we don't do playdates...

ugh help!

OP posts:

kitkatsky · 09/05/2018 21:36

Similar situation here, except I don't mind DD going on party date as I can stay buy don't want her going on a play date without me as I don't think it's a safe household. I'd be super cautious and just say "soooo busy at the mo, can we arrange sth in summer break?" Then stay non commital til girls like each other x

JollyDay · 09/05/2018 21:39

If your dd doesn't want to go you're right to protect her.

I think I'd delay the play date with just not answering - when you see her mum just laugh apologetically and say you haven't forgotten them.

Then bide your time until after the party and decided what you want to do after that.

Least awkward that way.

IMBU · 09/05/2018 21:43

Don't go to the play date and don't feel bad about it. You have every right to protect your daughter from this bully. Things might sour between you and the other mum (some people feel their their kids can do no wrong), but what's the alternative?

KingIrving · 09/05/2018 21:48

Don't say anything now, before the party. Just use the "really busy" card but if after the party she comes back at you, say there have been a few tricky episodes and you prefer to wait for this phase to pass

PureColdWind · 09/05/2018 21:49

Put it off for now and in the meantime talk to the school. If the school manage to sprt it out and they become friends then maybe arrange a playdate in a few weeks or months. They could well end up being great friends when this all ends, or maybe not.

RippleEffects · 09/05/2018 21:51

I'd go with something vague like she just a bit waked/ overstimulated by school at present so were keeping new outside activities to a minimum for a while.

OldGuard · 09/05/2018 21:55

I’m pretty straight forward with these things - better to be that than all coy and silent

Invite the girl to yours and say “house rules are that we keep our hands to ourselves and don’t touch other people nor hurt them in any way” “ this means no cheek pinching and [insert whatever else]”

Firm
Calm
Kind

OldGuard · 09/05/2018 21:57

I really hate the “I’m really busy” line - just say the truth and be honest about it

StellaWouldYouTakeMeHome · 09/05/2018 22:04

She’s 7 if she doesn’t want to play you can’t make her. Don’t feel guilty in the slightest she’s making the best choice for her. Just don’t accept another invite

Juells · 09/05/2018 22:05

I wouldn't let my child go on a play date with someone who's hurting her, and I'd tell the mother why. Screw the party.

Goldmandra · 09/05/2018 22:05

I once told a child who wanted DD1 to go on a playdate and kept asking me that she didn't want to go and play at his house because he kept hurting her at school and that meant she was frightened of him. I told him very gently that, if he stopped hurting her, she would stop being frightened of her and then maybe she would like to go.

His mum was standing next to us and heard the whole exchange. The children are now adults and we're still friends. She was happy for him to find out that hurting other children meant you lost friendships.

I would just explain that your DD isn't keen on being alone with the other child while she keeps hurting her but you're sure they will still be friends once that's all blown over.

Trialsmum · 09/05/2018 22:10

Just put her off til after the party, day you have a lot on or something. I’d be very concerned that something has happened that she won’t tell you about and there’s no way she’s be going on a play date until I found out.

tempester28 · 09/05/2018 22:11

Nosquirels has the right idea. It is better to sort the issue out regardless of the playdate.

Original poster

eddielizzard · 09/05/2018 22:12

thanks everyone. lots of great ideas.

i'm leaning towards telling the truth in a gentle way. while excuses and obfuscation are very tempting i think i'll just be digging a deeper hole. i think this is a really good lesson in accepting invitations for the right reasons!

my dd is adamant she doesn't want this girl over for a playdate.

i want to know what else has been going on, so i need to tread softly. right now she doesn't want to tell me. i've given her some ideas on how to deal with the cheek pinching.

how to get her to talk to me tho? she doesn't seem very upset about it. if it gets worse i will have a quiet word with the teacher.

OP posts:

Dragongirl10 · 09/05/2018 22:12

I would gently tell the truth. Tell the mum what has happened, and why your DD won't be coming to the playdate.

Otherwise how will this child ever learn not to be nasty to others?

Starlight2345 · 09/05/2018 22:18

Have you spoke to the school. If talking to the school stops it Dd May tell you more .

Whitesea · 09/05/2018 22:30

I am following this with interest as am in a similar position. My DC went on a playdate but the child kept telling my child that they did not want him at their house and wanted another child instead. My child also gets pushed a bit by this other kid at school.

I feel that I must return the playdate. I have avoided doing so for some time but by now am embarrassed at how long I have delayed it. Just wanted to say OP that the pinching episode should be told to a teacher as it is very unlikely that it is not happening during school hours too.

AjasLipstick · 09/05/2018 22:47

Whitesea you certainly do NOT have to return the playdate. This is where our good manners get confused with being a doormat and you need to give your child the lesson that he is not to be walked over or treated badly.

Just don't mention it and if that parent asks you again, say "Oh, well Tom's been very tired lately so we've decided to go easy on playdates for now."

MazDazzle · 09/05/2018 22:49

Wow Goldmantra I’m impressed. I wish I could be so assertive, yet kind. Perfect approach.

I did once use OldGuard’s approach. Was at the end of my teather with another child who kept pushing my DD over and shouting in her face. The other child’s parents both saw it numerous times, but didn’t say anything. When she came round for a play date I said firmly ‘I want your best behaviour. No hitting or being mean, otherwise you go straight home.’ She looked stunned but was as good as gold. Hasn’t been any issues since.

Juells · 09/05/2018 22:53

@Whitesea why would you have that child back? That's like colluding with the bullying of your own child because you don't want to be rude

MismatchedPJs · 09/05/2018 22:55

Bear in mind there are 2 versions of the truth here, 2 sides to the story. Going in with your DD's version without hearing her friend's can be a dangerous business. Her mum will only have heard the other side.

Whitesea · 09/05/2018 23:00

For a number of reasons. Partly good manners. Partly because I think the other child's mum knows it is happening and that is her way of trying to 'fix' it. I suppose I think I should do the same and at least it would be in my child's home where I could watch everything and step in. My child told me the other child behaves very well when his mum is present but is mean at school. But mainly because my child hasn't had other playdates and doesn't seem bothered by his lack of friends and this child's mum reached out to my child who was so delighted to be asked at all.

AjasLipstick · 09/05/2018 23:12

Juells not everyone is socially confident and some people fear their child having no friends.

I used to be a bit like that.

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