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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to allow ex near my door when he drops daughter off

20 replies

Jordan4531 · 09/05/2018 17:45

My ex has always been the argumentative type, never paid child support and has always gone out of his to be a pain. This however has never stopped me letting our daughter go with him on weekends, for tea etc.
When I first started seeing my now husband he started have causing arguments constantly, I blocked him on all social media. When we got engaged he was worse. When I started uni he was nasty and then when I fell pregnant with my second child to now husband he was very horrible and constantly trying to stress me out or cause a fight. It all died down for a while be didn't even acknowledge when I married. I thought he might have grown up but today he has chosen to be an idiot again. He picks up our daughter for tea once a week after school and today they were giving out free Sun flowers near the school. My girl loves flowers so I asked him if he would take her round to get one, I said she will love one and he said ok. Half past 3 and I get an abusive call from him telling me she's crying her eyes out because he had to drag her round for a flower she didn't want and I shouldn't have said she wanted one and it was all my fault. He demanded that I apologise to our daughter who was in hysterics and said I made him take her.
AIBU to first off refuse to apologise to our daughter over this as I wasn't the one being unreasonable and think if she said she didn't want one he should have left it alone. And secondly to tell him not to come to my door when he drops her off because I don't want him near me. I'm 3 months pregnant and it seems that since he found out he's been slightly more off.

OP posts:

user1488397844 · 09/05/2018 17:55

How old is your DD? That seems an extreme reaction to walking round the corner for a flower and sounds like there was more to it. Given the history I think actually in his time you would be wise to completely keep out of their plans and leave him to decide what/where to take her. In an ideal situation it would be good if you could communicate amicably but since that isn't possible I would keep contact between you both to a minimum. I wouldn't tell him to stay away tonight as it will just add fuel to the fire but possibly from now on arrange collections/pick ups from a neutral place to avoid this scenario.

Original poster

Jordan4531 · 09/05/2018 18:06

He has his parents bring them round in the car and I was wondering what he may have said/done to cause her reaction. I never thought a simple flower would cause such drama. He can stay in the car and get his parents to bring her to the door, her grandad always gets out of the car anyway.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 09/05/2018 18:13

He sounds awful.
YANBU

RuggerHug · 09/05/2018 18:18

Think your DD might have said she wanted to get a flower to give you and he flipped? Not that that excuses it or makes it ok!!

Original poster

Jordan4531 · 09/05/2018 18:21

@ruggerhug not a chance. I only found out about them being given away 5 mins before I called him, she had no idea at all about them

OP posts:

user1488397844 · 09/05/2018 18:39

Could you collect her from the car so his parents are there also? I just think if you say this tonight whilst he is angry it could blow up and make things more stressful for you which is the last thing you need. From now on though it would be totally reasonable of you to say his parents must drop/collect if he can't be civil towards you. It's not healthy that he can get this angry about a child crying about a free flower,so there's either more to it or he has extreme anger issues, which neither you nor your child should have to put up with!

Original poster

Jordan4531 · 09/05/2018 19:11

We live in terrace housing so they are straight outside my door when they pull up so I can see her her getting out safely. He stayed in the car tonight he's big and hard over the phone but never says anything to my face he's too much of a coward. He never let's me have a face to face confrontation with him it's always over the phone so I'm not worried about him being aggressive at the door or anything. I just can't stand him and he really annoys me especially after being a git over the phone

OP posts:

RomeoBunny · 09/05/2018 19:17

No child maintenance = No access. Don't be a pushover. If he wants to be a decent Dad he can pay his fucking way like everyone else.

RedHelenB · 09/05/2018 19:17

It sounds very much on your terms . You 'allow" him to see her and suggest what to do. Just stick to schedule and don't engage.

EscapistTendencies · 09/05/2018 19:21

In that case I'd stop phone contact, email only from now on. You do not have to accept being bullied by him anymore. And fgs go to CMS, your child deserves and is legally entitled to financial support from both parents.

OreoMini · 09/05/2018 19:24

If he’s that much of a prick I’m not sure why you called him to ask him to get some sun flower seeds with his DD.

Wouldn’t you rather just buy a packet instead of contacting him

Original poster

Jordan4531 · 09/05/2018 20:05

Like I said he seemed like he might have grown up, it's been almost a year since something like this has happened. I asked him because all her friends will have got one and it's on her usual route home I didn't think it would interfere with his time.with her. How else do you want me to say he gets to see her? I let him? Allow? He's entitled to see her? He's not I had to take him to court to make sure he sees her. As for maintenance he quite work 3 years ago so he wouldn't have to pay. As for the people asking why I bothered asking, because as adults I didn't think it would be an issue for him to do it and I should be able to ask him to do simple things like that

OP posts:

QueenDaisy · 09/05/2018 20:14

RomeoBunny

No child maintenance = No access. Don't be a pushover. If he wants to be a decent Dad he can pay his fucking way like everyone else.

100% in agreement with this commrnt.

redfairy · 09/05/2018 20:27

Well you now understand that he hasn't calmed down so bear that in mind if you're tempted to ask anything of him in the future. He's unlikely to be grown up. I'm not sure why you now want to dictate how he drops back your daughter. Explain to DD that you and Daddy had a misunderstanding and it's no big deal. This drama is only as big as you make it. FWIW I do not agree that CM and access are linked so your facilitating his contact is spot on and should continue. Having got three kids through contact with two fathers I tried to see each hiccup in isolation rather than one long drawn out battle. It does help to put it in perspective even if you are raging at the time.

queenofsass · 09/05/2018 20:58

I found sunflowers really scary when i was a kid.

cuckooplusone · 09/05/2018 21:02

I have a good parenting relationship with my ex, I think that you have to stop thinking about it as how you feel about him and more about how your daughter feels. I don't worry about my ex at all, I have disengaged emotionally and try to work together with him. Imagine how she will feel if you don't both behave sensibly at handover points. How would you feel if he didn't let you come to the door? I would feel awful and I couldn't do this to my daughter. I know that he is being unreasonable, but that doesn't mean that you should rise to it and take the bait of engaging with him in this.

PaintedHorizons · 09/05/2018 21:13

Children are not pay-per-view.

One parent does not get to take away the only chance a child will have of having a dad because the other one is on benefits. It is the child that is important here.

If he has no money what do you expect him to pay? He could always claim tax credits - but she'd have to live with him some of the time to get that.

Andrewofgg · 09/05/2018 21:24

Let’s just imagine what linking maintenance to contact would mean.

Ann says Keep your dirty money, Bill, and stay away

Charlie says i don’t want to see the kids enough to pay, sayonara, Doris

Ella says I am moving away for good reasons and Fred says I can’t afford the journey so no more contact and you’ll have to do without maintenance

And so on. No, thanks.

Original poster

Jordan4531 · 09/05/2018 21:48

I think some of you have missed a point or misunderstood. I have no said anything about stopping access due to no maintenance. I took HIM to court not the other way round to make sure he stuck to days in which he saw her and never once in that process brought up maintenance. I don't understand how that has become the main issue here and not the person's childish behaviour and why on earth my 9 year old was crying over a flower!

OP posts:

Andrewofgg · 10/05/2018 12:16

Sorry OP - I am one of the offenders here!

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