To ask if It's possible to distance yourself from a friend but keep them as a friend?

[Unionofthesnake]

I have a friend who, without going into too much detail, I find quite draining and demanding of my time. We'd previously spend a lot of time together but I feel we are in different places of late - she's a SAHM whereas my job and home life has become increasingly busy. I would also like to spend what little spare time I have with more like minded people and make some new friends. I have tried cooling it with her such as being slow to respond to her messages, being busy and not reacting to her numerous social media posts but it is not going well as I often get sarky messages such as "let me know if you're free before xmas!" (in May!).

I have explained several times that my life has changed and I'm really busy but it doesn't seem to be getting through. I don't want to fall out with but am really unsure how to play it!

Yes I think so - I guess I'm the reverse as I distance myself from some friends when I have too much on as I know it would overload them if I yap on, but just say I'll be in contact more frequently when I'm more sorted.

Ok so you've said you are really busy and that hasn't worked...I think it's fine to say you can't engage for X period of time because of life commitments and take it from there

Well you will get a load of differing opions here. So I have come to the conclusion it depends on the friend's personality. Personally it absolutely gets my goat when a friend says i'm too busy , my life has changed blah blah blah. Read here my life is so much important than yours. To me it comes across as self important twaddle (and yes my friend started to do this to me when she got a new man in her life). Perhaps she found me draining too who knows but a one sided friendship is crap. You canot perceive how slef ritious it sounds to say my life has changed annd I am sooooooooo busy.

Clearly the friend wants to remain your friend but what do you really want. Is it a case of you dont want any drama but your certainly dont want to see her or are you wating to maintain contact and see her occasionaly. I dont think you can it both ways.

I personally would rather be told straight but I have read on here that others would prefer the slow fade. In my opinion why is it my place to take the hint rather than being offered an explanation.

sorry about the typos!

Titaniumpins
Personally it absolutely gets my goat when a friend says i'm too busy , my life has changed blah blah blah. Read here my life is so much important than yours.

I don't think that's even a problem - everyone's lives are more important to them than someone else's. I'm not going to prioritise a friend over my family. 🤷‍♀️

OP I think you just have to say that your really busy with work and don't have as much time. If she gets ratty and sarky constantly then you know where you stand with her.

I have found myself in similar situations in the past. I've found if I decline, more times than I accept social gatherings, I get asked less often, but still stay friends.

Noone would priortise friends over family LadyBusDriver but its the subtext because she knows she is being given the brush off but a bit of her will say ahhh maybe she is busy I still really like her etc etc.

OP is not too busy, just too busy for her and as they previously spent a lot of time the other friend is wondering what has happened. My point is I wish folk would just say what they mean.

Maybe the friend would like the opportunity to not be so draining and doesn't realise.

From your OP it seems like you’re looking to fade her out of your life, what sort of friendship would you ideally want with her if you cooled things - more like an acquantice?
She can probably feel you pulling away which prompted the xmas comment.

I had to do this. I like my friend and care about her but she only wanted to go out drinking, also she only wanted to meet really late (and was always late to meet me anyway). I physically couldn't handle it when I had a baby. She hangs out with some really toxic people and has fallen out with many of her old friends. I wouldn't want to be emotionally dependent on her. BUT I do still like her, she's funny, intelligent and good company. So I message her a lot rather than arranging to see her, keep in touch and interested in her life, and see her very very occasionally. We're not as close as we were, but I think we will always be friends. I think she does get annoyed with me not being available, but that's not my problem.

If you actually want to stay friends then when she asks to do something fix a date for weeks in the future to get her off your back in the mean time. Doesn't actually sound like you want to stay friends though...

Nope you can't. The sarky messages are because she's confused and hurt.

Put her out of her misery and tell her your friendship is over if you've got any balls.

I think you could be a bit kinder , your life has changed , hers hasn’t
Just say you’d love to meet her but you have x y and z going on at the moment

I think you just see her as often as is realistic for you and ignore the snarky remarks.

I have friends that I haven’t seen for months- we tend to make sure we have an event booked in the diary so at least we do meet up from time to time.

You’re at different stages in life. she’s craving adult company whereas you don’t have much spare time and not unnaturally you want to use most of that spare time to build up a social life with like minded people.

Do what you think is right. No need to have a big dramatic scene about it, if she continue s to not get it the friendship will fade anyway.