DH told me he doesn’t know if we’re a good match

[IrrelevantPeasant]

Been with DH 10 years, married for 4. 3 DCs Under 6. DH has been depressed for years, admits it himself but won’t get help which obviously affects his mood quite a lot.
Tonight whilst discussing a mutual friend who has recently split up with his wife I asked DH if we thought we were a good match. He said he doesn’t know. He then said, “well we’re married with 3 kids” then got annoyed with me for asking a stupid question and stormed off.

I’m not sure what to make of this comment, AIBU to feel a bit hurt? How should I handle this?

Well you asked!

Why on earth did you ask ?

Just go give him a big hug and watch a film together or something

Tbh if my partner asked that question I would assume they thought we weren't a good match, and I'd be quite upset.

Well it’s not as if he said “I don’t know if we’re a good match” apropos of nothing - you asked and he said “I don’t know” which I don’t think is nearly as bad. I would just leave it and forget about it to be honest.

Well apparently you don't know either OP, otherwise you wouldn't of had to have asked!

He's been depressed for years but hasn't sought help so you have put up with this shit.
Medication would go some way to helping him but he's not done this.
Maybe this twat isn't a good match for you.
Time to have strong words and demand he see his GP. How much longer can you put up with this?

You asked a perfectly fine question and he stormed off like an eejit. Is he always a temperamental little prick?

Yes I did ask the question which I obviously shouldn’t have but I was really just looking for some reassurance. He’s been going through a depressive episode recently and he can be really withdrawn and cold when this happens. I’m just sick of feeling rejected although I am mindful that he’s depressed.

Gah it's horrible isn't it?

DH said to me (when we were going through a particularly bad patch) that he thought we'd both have been happier if we'd married different people.

I have found it hard to come back from but things have improved and I have been for counseling myself which has helped too - dealing with a depressed or unresponsive partner can kill your self esteem, hence your question perhaps? True for me anyway.

My friend has been thru the same thing. Hers won't go to his gp because he doesn't want it on his medical records. She has ended it but can't sell the house because this selfish twat is too depressed to motivate himself. It's been 3 years! He was the love of her life and now she can't look at him.

It's awful living with a depressed person sometimes, awful pretty much all the time if they won't seek help or help themselves. And you feel like a dick for whinging at them or whatever because they're depressed. And like you say, they withdraw, reject you, guilt you and you become needy and the cycle gets worse. Been there. Had a change of mindset recently with some counselling - his mood is not your responsibility. He's down? Fine. Not an excuse to opt out of responsibilities. If he had a bad back which meant he couldn't do any household chores, driving or childcare, in fact had to spend most of the day lying down and there was an op that could easily fix it, but he refused - would you think that was alright?
I'm not saying depression can be easily fixed. But in most cases, it can be managed. You shouldn't feel like it's ok for him to check out of your relationship by ignoring you/being inconsiderate/ constantly withdrawing, if he hasn't even tried to be better.

Tothappy you’ve just described the cycle perfectly. I’m getting needy and he’s getting annoyed and checking out which makes me needy and so on. I think it’s time to insist on a visit to the GP...

If he won't go to the GP you can't force him. But it shows he doesn't care about him self, you or the relationship. So if he doesn't go I'd sack him off. Don't tell him that's what you'll do though.

I hope he goes, and I hope it helps. Mine has been on medication for some years, off and on, but the thing that helped most was a 6 week course of counselling with a good therapist (which his mum offered him as we couldn't afford it and things were getting desperate). I have seen a huge improvement since then, whereas the meds did help a bit but he still had swings, plus side effects. Maybe my change of mindset has also helped. He has a habit of going off his meds because he thinks he's cured , swooping down into a dark pit, then needing to go on an increased dose again to clamber his way out. Last time he was a moody dick and eventually admitted he'd been off his meds for 6 days, I was proper pissed off and told him to stop being so selfish and it was his responsibility to manage his health because it impacts on all of us. He was shocked because I didn't do the 'poor you' thing but admitted later that I was not wrong.

Only you know how you should handle this right now, if it was mine I wouldn't go and say anything now as he'd definitely be in a downward spiral after that and it'd end in tears. Old me would have gone in, stroked his head and asked how he was feeling, offered to do something to help... New me would advise you to go in and hang out in front of the TV or something with him only if you can act completely natural, neither needy nor mothering. If you can't, go and do something you enjoy and if he comments or suggests you're sulky just look bright and breezy and say 'no... Just enjoying my book!' Or whatever. Then pick a time when he's not in a mood and when you're both relaxed to say you think it's his responsibility to see a GP or therapist of his choice now.