Refuge

[Nadine87]

Just looking to hear from anyone who's been in a refuge. How long do people stay? And when you do get rehoused, is it temp accommodation, council house or private?

I was four years ago. I stayed four months but it depends on how quickly you can get housed- doesn't have to be council housing, if you can afford it you can rent etc. The one I was in was a room in a shared house, but a friend is in one now and she's got a self contained flat within a shared building.
She's been there about 9 months because she's got to pay off council rent debt before she can get another place but I knew women who were only there a couple of weeks before getting sorted. And you get help and support with absolutely everything.

I was in refuge 9 months with my children. It was ok. Lots were in there for only a few months, others over a year. It really depends on your own circumstances- some people need time to recover mentally or from injuries before they move out, others have housing issues- rent arrears or hoping to relocate somewhere else.

They usually put you on band b here when you’re in refuge. You could request band a but band a means you have to take what you’re given and all the women in my refuge were advised against that as needless to say band a properties are fucking awful. Lots rent privately in the end because there isn’t enough HA to go around.

What about schools? Did your children change schools when they moved to the refuge and when they moved out?

And how did your exes see the children? How did you leave without them knowing? Sorry got so many questions running through my head. I fear his reaction when he finds out that I've left without his knowledge.

I was 8 months in a refuge. I was waiting for a 4 bed house though so it may have been easier to get a smaller council property.

The refuge I was in had flats within it. One was a shared flat for people without children.

It was fine the people were lovely and there was additional support when I left.

Hope you're ok op

And did you work whilst living in the refuge? 🙈

My ex never saw my children. We moved a fair distance away though. My children changed schools and we were fortunate enough to get a house near the school they started when we were in the refuge so didn't have to change again, lots of people were rehoused in different places so their children had to change schools again, but there was support to help the kids settle.

If you are planning to leave then its best to get all you documents so they are easy to get. Photos and anything else that can't be replaced too. Clothes, toys and other stuff can be easily replaced, the refuge will help you with that. Pick your day with the help of the refuge, act as normal as you can then leave quickly.

If you are emailing or calling women's aid then please remember to delete everything for now. They will give you great advice and help so much.

I didn't work because the housing cost was so high I needed housing benefit to cover it. You're also not allowed babysitters etc to come in or to leave under 16s alone in the refuge and there is a curfew too so it's usually not advisable to work.

Every situation is different some children stay at their school, some have to move, depends on if there’s a risk or not.

Some children will have contact with their fathers, some won’t. Again, depends on their individual situation. My children had supervised contact with their dad after a set time. But this all depends on if there is a court order in place and what it says.

Have you been able to talk to people that work in the refuge?

Different refuges have different rules. The one I lived in does not have a curfew, however if you don’t come back and don’t tell them they can and do send the police out looking for you.

They will advise you don’t work, partly for your own safety (its one more place your ex will presumably know where to find you) and cost of you being there is huge- housing benefit will pay the lot if you aren’t working but otherwise you might struggle!

Thank you so much for you replies.

foxy I just spoke to my local women's aid and they gave me the option to go in to a refuge. I want to do that soon, but need to sort some things out first .

He hasn't hit me, but is very very emotionally abusive and controlling/bullying, he also throws things at me when he's angry.

I'm in London, I'm thinking of asking to go in to a refuge outside London as it would be easier for me to get rehoused, can you ask for that or do you have to take the space available at the nearest refuge?

My honest opinion? If they’ve offered you a place they’re concerned about you. Very. The refuge where I was put has a waiting list (that you jump if you’re in immediate need as me and my kids were) so they don’t offer a space out of nowhere. Talk to them about wanting to go outside of London. Several women I knew were moved out to other refuges and some were moved into ours mainly for safety reasons.

You will be a priority to rehouse but as you know living in London that can mean very little as the housing situation is a state.

I know people who've requested to be in a refuge far away from their partner. I don't think it's an unusual request, or unreasonable. You're more likely to get permanent housing somewhere if you have a local connection though...family already living, or if you'd come from there originally there etc so it's worth thinking about that. Good luck OP

What dangermouse said but needs to be a close family member (parent, sibling, child). Sometimes it can be good to move away just for a fresh start. Plenty move on for that reason too. Best wishes to you OP.

I just want to get away from him and start fresh, that's the only reason I want to live outside London

What did you do in those 9 months you were there Foxy? And what did you tell your children? Mine are reception age and I know they will ask me where's daddy.

I stayed for 4 months. I did leave my job as the refuge was in a different town, also the rent is very high due to the support provided (staff etc). It was mostly covered by housing benefit, I think I had to pay £12 per week towards it.

I think if you are in refuge you are able to apply to any council so you wouldn't necessarily be limited to the area the refuge is in.

I applied to the council using the "bidding" system, and I got the first house I bid on.

Telling the children, mine don't know it was refuge (they were 8, 2 and 1). My eldest was upset asking for her dad, in the end I told her I was not willing to be bullied by him any more, I wanted to only live with people who were kind to one another.

Good luck. I never looked back, my life is 100% better since leaving, and my children are so much happier, calmer and more grounded.

Also, if you get the opportunity, do the freedom programme. It helped my organise the chaos he has created in my head.

You can only be band b priority in one area at a time but yes you can be housed in other areas too if you wish.

My children were 5 and 8 and I was honest (ish). “We are here because it’s the safest place for us to live. Mummy and daddy have split up and daddy is very upset about this”. As they have got older they’ve figured out things themselves.

Just remember that children are resilient. Some more than others but they are. My children both have behaviour issues unrelated to DV and they both coped. They don’t have longterm effects from living in a refuge.

Did you guys leave without telling your ex? I'm in two minds whether I should tell him. He is really against me moving out of London, I'm scared he's gonna stop me on the day or cause a scene. I really just want to pack my bags and leave without telling him.

I worked in one. Please go to one outside London if you want any chance of getting housed. Housing was the single biggest problem and resulted in women staying in refuge longer than needed. Your children will move to a school local to the refuge. As previous posters state , all refuges are different with different rules and set ups. Please also don't tell your husband. The most dangerous time for a women in when she is leaving. Well done on being so brave .

Absolutely do not tell him. If you feel you must, you can send him a text once you have got to a safe place.

Do not tell him you’re leaving. In fact, be careful who you tell at all til after you and your kids are out of there. I didn’t tell a soul til after me and my kids were out.

I think housing issues keep a lot of women and their families in refuge but I imagine London and the surrounding area must be particularly difficult!

I agree. Do not tell him at all. He will either try to convince you that you're mad, that he will get the kids, that nobody will believe you etc or turn violent. There is no way he will happily accept things and let you go.

I'm so sorry you're going through this