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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To accept help with my child?

28 replies

TWDfan · 08/05/2018 17:27

I'm a young mum with a new baby

DM absolutely dotes on the baby and comes round a few times a week to help out with her grandchild, i don't ask or expect it of her and she does it because she genuinely wants to.

She stays over the odd occasion so i can get that bit of extra sleep, again she offers and i don't ask.

I've just found out that i'm being spoken about unfavourably by somebody criticising my parenting because my DM helps out with the baby sometimes. They are assuming that because DM helps out from time to time then i must be a lazy mum and leave my childcare to others which is just offensive.

I worked through my entire pregnancy and am going back when LO is six months old, i also relish in motherhood and enjoy doing everything for my baby. It never occurred to me that accepting a little bit of help was a bad thing.

Aibu to accept my mums help just because some others don't have that hands on support available? I'm seething

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 08/05/2018 17:30

Ignore they just wish they had the help

Domino20 · 08/05/2018 17:31

Fuck the person bitching about you. ACCEPT THE HELP. Being a new mum is exhausting, your mum probably relishes the time with her grandchild.

MyNameIsTotoro · 08/05/2018 17:32

Ignore. If you, baby and DM are happy then that's all that matters.

Agree with PP, they're just jealous

ZzzMarchhare · 08/05/2018 17:33

The person criticising is jealous and bitter- ignore them. Take all the help on offer and enjoy your baby even more and be a better parent for a bit of rest!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 08/05/2018 17:34

Yabu in having contact with this arsehole. Completely fine for your mum to help you out. I expect she’s delighted to do so.

RippleEffects · 08/05/2018 17:35

Having a loving family and extended family is great for your little one, you and your mum. Everyone in your family is winning here.

Somone sounds jelous, i feel sorry for them that they dont have the support/ trust/ love that comes with a close family.

None of us own our DC. Having/ allowing other people love them has got to help them grow into rounded, secure people.

FASH84 · 08/05/2018 17:36

Ignore them, my parents have my DN two full days a week , brother and SIL have said many times they can put her in nursery, she's not three yet so not school age, but my parents love having her, especially dad as he retired recently and I think gets a bit bored with mum still working. Mum's away on a girls' trip this week so I'm meeting up with my dad and her when I'm off later in the week to take her out. I'm sure some of their friends think they're entitled, but we all love spending time with the littlest family member and it's no hardship at all. Your mum is offering to help, why not let her, it's good for her and baby to have a relationship too.

MrsMozart · 08/05/2018 17:36

Ignorre the irriates. You're happy and baby is happy, so keep doing what you're doing.

SoyDora · 08/05/2018 17:36

Oh gosh I wish I’d had this sort of help with my DC, we lived 250 miles from our nearest family member. Accept the help and ignore them!

SleepingStandingUp · 08/05/2018 17:38

Accept the help!!
If you had a partner that was doing evening wake ups, looking after the child etc no one would bat an eyelid so why should you have to do everything just because you're on your own?

Notquitefeelingit · 08/05/2018 17:57

They sound jealous, OP. Take any help that's offered, especially if it means your family get to spend time getting to know your little one while you sleep. Everyone wins!!!

Graphista · 08/05/2018 18:01

Ignore them.

My brother and I had no help from my mum and my sister has and still gets LOADS.

BUT my sister is far more chaotic and my mums influence on my dn's is good for them.

It's bloody hard work especially in the early days. Are you a single mum too?

Other people pay for help that isn't any different.

You do what's right for you and your family that's all that matters.

coffeeforone · 08/05/2018 18:06

Accept the help!

I know what you mean though, we have some friends that make similar comments about me and DH as we readily accept any help we can, and we work full time and ‘dump poor DS at nursery for up to 50 hours a week’. My parents live 350 miles away and when they visit or we visit we always let them help as much as they like want and we can have a lie in!!

I try not to judge anyone on their parenting, however different to my own, just a couple people I know, act superior to us, and will openly judge/comment on parenting, the same way as your friend.

Please ignore them and accept the help!

Tobebythesea · 08/05/2018 18:12

YANBU. I wish I could have had that kind of help from my mum. They are jealous. Try to ignore them.

halfwitpicker · 08/05/2018 18:14

Accept the help and enjoy it.

tethersend · 08/05/2018 18:17

Ignore them.

DM helped a lot when DD1 was born, and had an amazing relationship with her as a result of being so involved in her life. DD1 is 9 now and DM died unexpectedly last year- the memories I have of her with DD1 as a baby are amongst the most cherished I have.

It's not just 'help', your DM and DC are bonding and forming a relationship. Why would you compromise that just to appease some busybody?

Enjoy it Smile

SinkGirl · 08/05/2018 18:18

My mum died before my twins were born and DH’s Mum is uninterested. I’ve never had a second of help, and if I were offered it I would bite their hand off.

That person is an idiot, and their opinion is irrelevant and unimportant.

Shmithecat · 08/05/2018 18:20

Bollocks to them. I'm in my 40s with a toddler and stay round my mum's a couple of days/nights a week. I get a break, she loves having him there, he loves seeing his nanu. And no, I don't even work.

DioneTheDiabolist · 08/05/2018 18:28

Ignore them OP. Some people are only happy when they are judging and slagging off others. You have come across one, you will come across others. Ignore them too.

Accept the help and make the most of the benefits you get from it. Longterm, you will all benefit from a stable loving grandparent/grandchild relationship.Smile

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 08/05/2018 18:32

I'm willing to bet they don't have the same level of support and are bitter about it.

I can say that because we live in London with no grandparents in the UK and I am seething with envy just thinking about your lovely mum stepping in to help you!

pinkhorse · 08/05/2018 18:50

My mum helps my dsis quite a bit with her baby. My mum works full time and is sometimes staying up all night to have the baby during the week. My mum collapsed at work due to stress and ended up in hospital.
She says she needs a rest from the baby but feels like she has to help dsis so she carries on. She has never said any of this to dsis so dsis is blissfully unaware.
Just make sure your mum isn't doing too much as most mums are too nice to ever say they were doing too much.

PattiStanger · 08/05/2018 19:15

For reasons of geography I've never had any family help with my DC, I'm not bitter about people who do and wouldn't say that they were lazy BUT I do find it difficult sometimes to be sympathetic if they are complaining about how hard having children is.

I'm not saying you would do that but to many parents what you describe is very far from their reality and it's understandable that they might sometimes have a negative thought about it. Hopefully you will appreciate how lucky you are.

Original poster
TWDfan · 08/05/2018 21:23

I definitely appreciate being fortunate enough to have my mums help. The person who this has come from has three children and not much support so i can only guess that this is where the bitterness stems from. We don't get on whatsoever, which is probably another reason they're looking for an excuse to snipe at me.

My mum isn't working at the moment so has a lot of spare time on her hands which shes choosing to spend some of with this little one. If she was working and/or had a busy schedule i wouldn't continue to accept that degree of help. I'm coping just fine and although her being around is brilliant i don't feel as though i rely on her to be a good mother. I have proper childcare lined up for when i go back to work and i never considered asking her to do that for me, it would be too much.

After this came up i spoke to her and asked whether she felt obliged, she tells me no and she genuinely loves being around.

That persons comments really got me to thinking and i suggested mum take a back seat for a while, coming over on the weekend for coffee or whatever, she was disheartened by that and told me the exact same as the most of the PP here, don't let somebody get under my skin.

Really appreciate your perspectives on the matter

OP posts:
Mountainsoutofmolehills · 08/05/2018 21:25

Your mum can offer to help, and you can accept it - sounds like everyone is happy just this other woman. Carry on with yourself, don't worry about her, you don't have to do this all alone - why should you if you have a mum that adores you and your baby.

Notquitefeelingit · 09/05/2018 10:14

Your mum sounds lovely and your family is lucky. Mine helps me out too one day a week but is retired and genuinely seems to enjoy. You've prompted me to check in with her though, thank you!!