No idea how to tell mother in law to back off nicely

[rainbowsgt]

I have name changed for obvious reasons !
I just want to start by saying she isn't an awful person just has a very controlling personality.
Before I met my husband he was single for a long time. She helped him out with a deposit in order to get his own place which was lovely of her.
The problem is that since I got together with him and moved in the house she can't seem to relinquish any control. Dh was useless with money before I met him and I think this is part of the reason she gets so involved he is also an only child.
She is very nice to me but I find spending any time in her company really stressful. We don't chit chat or just have fun. Conversations centre around things she thinks me and my husband need to do. I get silly texts from her saying things like "I noticed your grass needs cutting it's going to be a nice day today so it would be a good day to do it". Or " your windows really need a clean here is the number of my window cleaner" I have spoken to my dh about it and he says that he feels like it is a direct attack on her. I am all for advice with any huge issues in life I would just like to be left to sort the small stuff ourselves. If my dh asks her to back off and let us sort things she gets angry and upset.
Absolutely no idea what to do. I have tried not seeing her as often and going round to her house instead of her coming here to criticise

Firm doesn't have to mean rude.

Captain Awkward's advice for situations like this is to say "I'll think about that (thanks)." You will think about it. For the three seconds it takes to decide you want to do something your own way. But she gets to feel mollified and you get to avoid conflict.

Or you could be straight up. "I appreciate your input but as an adult, I will be making this choice myself." Firmer. Still not rude. More likely to make waves if you think she'll push back but then it's on you to stay firm.

If she fights you on the little things you have bigger problems brewing so it's better to set a precedent of not kowtowing now.

Your DP obviously appreciated being mothered, make sure that expectation doesn't fall to you next. Just reply thanks, or don't reply at all, don't engage with it. She'll get the hint at some point.

She may be your mil but you don't have to make her your friend. If she has no boundaries I would stay well clear.
Leave dh to deal with her.
When I had a mil we never had each others phone numbers!
And I had her dgc!!

Just bat it back to her until she realises you have different values and priorities. The grass - I would say something like 'oh but I like it to grow longer' - the windows- 'oh I hardly notice things like that' etc etc.

just ignore it!

The next time she says something, ask her why she feels to need to tell you for example, your windows need a clean. Explain to her that you will clean the windows when you feel like it. Don't be nice about it. Nice won't get results with her. Have the blow up now so that when you have DC in the future you won't have to fight her off at every turn. Trust me, it's easier to have words over your windows than how to raise DC.

If you respond to anything you will be feeding her anxieties. My guess is your MIL is quite neurotic and it would therefore benefit you greatly to get her used to the fact that it's pointless for her to worry on your behalf.

You need to establish this as a way of going forward otherwise it will be relentless. Then get to work with H and tackle together what you are going to do about his lazy dependency on MIL's organising his life for him.

It will probably help if you don't owe MIL money since the only 'lovely' is the one where she sees the gift/loan as having bought her the right to interfere in your lives and treat you like children.

faithinthesound captain awkward is the bee's knees for this stuff!

I think it can be quite an adjustment for some parents when a partner comes along. I've certainly had similar.

My FIL used to like to sit in the back of the car telling me how to drive when I gave him lifts (he does this to everyone). I said, "FIL, I'm driving." He said, "What?" I said it again. No tone or anything, just straight. He stopped.

He also tried to tell me what to do with my money. I said something like, "Well that's my decision". Again, just straight. No argument or anything, just factual. The conversation moved on without any problems.

It's not always that easy though. I've also used, "Thanks, I'll certainly think about that." It makes them feel good to think that they've helped and ends the conversation.

Another one I've used: looking at him/her a bit longer than necessary, slightly quizzically, without saying anything and then moving on with, "Anyway..." It makes the point.

You could also just say, "I'll get to them eventually" and move on.

I don't think there is a "nice" way to tell someone like this to back off as she just won't take the hint. And your DH has already tried and she's got "angry and upset".

So either you have a blow up now and get it out of the way and set down some boundaries (probably the better option because at least everyone knows where they stand), or just be very vague with her criticisms and say "thanks" and change the subject whilst smiling politely. And ignore her texts.

The latter course of action will avoid a big row but has the disadvantage that she will still keep on at you relentlessly, because she hasn't been TOLD.

Re. the grass, I think I would say, "No, actually, I prefer it like that. It's good for the bees."

"I noticed your grass needs cutting it's going to be a nice day today so it would be a good day to do it"

'Yes it's looking lovely isn't it? We're off out for the day, looking forward to it!'

" your windows really need a clean here is the number of my window cleaner"

'Haha good thing I know you well enough not to take that the wrong way MIL! The windows are fine thanks. If your window cleaner is looking for more clients I can pass this number around though?'

Bat back or ignore, but do it in an off the cuff way - as if her comments are not really very much on your radar. Make the replies kind of dismissive.

This is more of an issue, to me:

I have spoken to my dh about it and he says that he feels like it is a direct attack on her.

Be absolutely bloody crystal clear to your DH - if you want to speak to him about an issue you have, you expect him to listen fairly to you, and to support you as his wife, first and foremost, EVERY TIME. If his default position is 'that's my mum, you can't criticise her' - then - your marriage won't be happy and is less likely to last. End of. It's worth telling him that right now, before children, before anything. What does he want to be? A grown man and a husband, first and foremost? Or a child and a son to his mum? His choice.

I agree with poster above - assertive does not mean rude. We in the UK are not good at being assertive - so we often end up snapping at people after trying for too long to keep our thoughts to ourselves.

with the grass ./windows.

You could text back. Ok. thanks.

then ignore.

Or - you could say - MIL I find it a bit stressful you pointing things out with our house all the time, I really appreciate your thkning of us but please leave us to make these small decisions.

With assertiveness - you have to accept that as long as you are polite then the other persons reaction is not your responsibility.

yes she may be 'angry' or upset - but if you have been clear and polite and not rude then that is her issue.

Why is she texting you? If your husband wants her to feel she can interfere then he needs to take over the contact.

Thanks for the replies some really helpful advice there.
I did tell him the last time that it wasn't an attack on her more just an observation I had made. I agree that it is going to be extremely hard work if he doesn't back me up. Tbh I think she has stated to text me about these things because he just ignores her. Maybe being told that things in your house are dirty or messy is easier to ignore if it is coming from someone you are close to. I know for a fact that if my mum said it I would just laugh at her and tell her not to be daft. I suppose I need to look on it not as an attack about how I do things but more that she has a problem with control in general. I have seen her be like this towards other people too.

Just put it back on her every time. When she says your grass needs cutting, say dh your mums just said the grass needs cutting, windows washing etc. Every time. She won’t want to upset her ds and will eventually stop (at least my mil did).

Is there nothing you could advise her on at her own hope - surely those curtains need cleaning, or the kitchen worktop could do with re-sealing?

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