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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to the baby shower?

20 replies

123whatsmyusername · 07/05/2018 21:25

Long story short - I had to TFMR a much wanted and loved daughter at 19 weeks in March. DH and I are now being referred for PGD IVF to prevent any future children having the same condition our daughter had.
A good friend of mine is due to give birth just three weeks after I should have been due and I’ve been invited to her surprise baby shower. WIBU to not go? I just think it would be too much to handle and I wouldn’t want to cause a scene by getting upset. As not to drip-feed, my pregnant friend knows everything that happened and the friend who is organising it knows we ‘lost’ a baby, not about the TFMR.

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 07/05/2018 21:28

don't go. Tell the other friend you can't make it and then you can tell your baby friend why you didn't come in your own time if you want to. definitely not unreasonable. sorry to hear about your TFMR Flowers

Lottapianos · 07/05/2018 21:28

Don't go. Don't put yourself through that. I have a no baby shower policy and I have way less reason than you. Sounds like you need to be taking it easy and putting yourself first right now. Let someone else do the cheerleading this time Flowers

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 07/05/2018 21:30

No of course you can decline. I dislike baby showers so would anyway but in your circumstances I'd be steering clear and your friend should understand that.

12PurpleSnails · 07/05/2018 21:31

Sorry for your loss Thanks

I wouldn't go if I was you xx

Slanetylor · 07/05/2018 21:32

Absolutely understandable! I’d send a card and small gift perhaps?

FatBottomedGal · 07/05/2018 21:36

Of course it’s ok not to go, your friend will understand. I hope you’re ok Flowers

Bojangles33 · 07/05/2018 21:36

Completely understandable not to go and if you're close enough to the friend that she knows all about the situation I am sure she would completely understand. So sorry for your loss and good luck with the IVF.

jitterbug5 · 07/05/2018 21:39

I went to a baby shower a few weeks after a MMC. I will never forget how hard I found it. I thankfully managed not to cry in front of everyone but I did find an excuse to sneak off during the present opening and have a cry in the toilet!

Don't do it to yourself. Be kind to yourself. You are the most important in your life right now, and healing will take time. You don't need to make it harder for yourself.

So so sorry Thanks

Aquamarine1029 · 07/05/2018 21:39

I'm very sorry for your loss. However, I think it actually might be good for you to attend. You have suffered a terrible tragedy, but not celebrating this other new life will not make you feel any better. I've lived through some pretty horrible things myself, and I never found disengaging to be of any solace. In fact, trying to "avoid" pain can often make it much worse. As you are trying to conceive, a positive mental outlook is so important. I think sharing in the joy of this baby might be therapeutic for you. The fact is, you will NEVER completely get over the tragic loss of your baby. You will carry pieces of that sadness forever, I'm afraid, but I think forging ahead, even if you have to fake it, will help with your healing process. I truly wish you the best.

Gemini69 · 07/05/2018 21:40

don't go Flowers

PurpleDaisies · 07/05/2018 21:44

Don’t go. No reasonable person would expect you to. Flowers

RoundaboutSnail · 07/05/2018 21:48

Don't go.

Thanks
PurpleDaisies · 07/05/2018 21:48

You have suffered a terrible tragedy, but not celebrating this other new life will not make you feel any better.

It won’t make the op feel better but the baby shower could make her feel much worse. There’s no need. The new life can be “celebrated” when it’s born.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 07/05/2018 21:51

YANBUFlowers

Yorkshirebetty · 07/05/2018 21:53

Don't go. Don't put yourself through that at this stage. Best wishes. Flowers

applesisapple5 · 07/05/2018 22:06

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Don't go.
I've been in a similar position and didn't go, I'm so glad I didn't.

Princessgenie · 07/05/2018 22:13

Am so sorry for your loss.
We had multiple failed rounds of IVF and Miscarriages. Baby showers were too hard - and most of our friends realised that. They always invited me and ALWAYS said they understood if I couldn’t attend and to just decide either way or the day and do what was best for me.
Be kind to yourself; your mental health and emotional well being is important. And people that matter will understand that x

Callamia · 07/05/2018 22:16

Don’t go. I went to my sister-in-law’s after having a miscarriage, and I hated every last second of it. I wish I hadn’t gone.

It wasn’t her fault. But the games and baby hysteria was just too much.

wineoclock1 · 07/05/2018 22:22

I'm sorry for your loss, it must be an incredibly difficult time for you. I had a long and difficult time trying for my DC and my advise is to be kind to yourself, and if you can't face it then don't go. xx

Dontknowwherethelineis · 07/05/2018 23:11

Don't go. Like a pp I didn't and I'm glad I didn't. I didn't feel good about not going as I felt like I was missing out on something fun that all my group of friends were doing but in reality it wouldn't have been fun for me and also not for them if I'd (likely) have struggled to hold it together. No one decent would expect you to go, just do whatever you need to x

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