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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to disengage from in-laws

19 replies

Sparks2211 · 07/05/2018 20:27

I need to vent. AIBU to want to disengage from my in-laws particularly my FiL?.
My FIL has said some hurtful things to me and about my daughter over the years. He is also incredibly unkind to MiL speaking terribly to her.
I have had “what a terrible mother” to my face when I forgot DD’s favourite muslin at a family party reducing me to tears.
“She was a miserable baby” about my DD to his cousin pointedly when I was asked how she was.
“She is spoilt” about my daughter (8) when I said we were buying a puppy and I wouldn’t tell him how much it cost.
Constantly asking how much we spend on everything. Being told I am too generous when buying gifts for the family (he has never declined anything we have given tho).
We both work hard and choose to spend our money not save a great deal. But it is none of his business how we choose to spend our money! It has no impact on him.
Today was the last straw we have had a family occasion where my daughter has hair done, dress, party afterwards with cake and she has a speaking part. He has just eaten the lunch and wine we provided at a pub for our guests and we are cutting the cake. He says in front of others inc. DH.
“She was obvious best speaker, best hair, loveliest dress, most overindulged”
I am livid. Why be so cruel so unnecessarily? I want nothing more to do with them and will be avoiding them at all costs. They help with school pick up once a week and I dread to think what he says to my daughter when we are not there. I will not be going to their house and will make every excuse I can to not be in their company. His behaviour towards us and to his poor wife is just appalling and I have had enough.

OP posts:
ladybirdsarelovely33 · 07/05/2018 20:32

I think that's it. If he's like that to her in front of you, I can't imagine what he is like with just her. Has your dd said anything?

Movablefeast · 07/05/2018 20:39

Horrible stay away.

Original poster
Sparks2211 · 07/05/2018 20:42

He directs comments to me and rarely says anything in front of DD. But I am worrried she is seeing horrible behaviour towards her grandmother. Need to speak to DH about changing childcare arrangements I think.

OP posts:
BrandNewHouse · 07/05/2018 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 07/05/2018 20:46

Don't be made to feel bad - dc don't need gps..
Well done for standing up for you and your dd.

I hope dh supports you all the way.

MaggieFS · 07/05/2018 21:24

I think you should step away, but probably, if you can, let him know exactly why. He sounds like the kind of self-important sod who doesn't appreciate the impact of his words, so if you don't be really specific e.g. repeat back to him the words which are inappropriate, he'll just think you've had a hissy fit. Actually he'll probably think that anyway, but if you go on facts not generals then at least you're clear where you stand. What a knob.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/05/2018 21:28

Why have you not stood up for yourself and your daughter? Every time that vile man spouts off you should be all over him, especially if he acts this way in your home. If he has the liberty to speak his mind, SO DO YOU.

RandomMess · 07/05/2018 21:42

He's vile!!! Yes change childcare arrangements and stop inviting him to things Angry

Rainbunny · 07/05/2018 21:50

Isn't your DH furious with him for saying things like this about his dd?

ProudPearlClutcher · 07/05/2018 21:53

Yanbu. He sounds dreadful, toxic and I’d want to sever all ties.

HildaZelda · 07/05/2018 21:58

He sounds like an absolute wanker. Does your DH know about any of this?

NewYearNewMe18 · 07/05/2018 22:00

Where is your DH in all this?

NewYearNewMe18 · 07/05/2018 22:02

Why do you want to disengage from Mil though, what has she done?

SecretIsland · 07/05/2018 22:06

I'm obviously on my own but the comments don't seem that bad to me. I imagine them being said in an indulgent/jokey way from the language used. Only you know the tone used though.

ladybirdsarelovely33 · 07/05/2018 23:21

Yes what is DH saying about all this?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/05/2018 00:32

Have to say I agree with SecretIsland. Some people do have the idea that their comments are jokey, not meant to hurt.

MightyMucks · 08/05/2018 00:35

Yes, but I don’t understand why you are including his wife in this. Can she not do the pick up and take DD to your house?

Original poster
Sparks2211 · 08/05/2018 06:20

It is a very old fashioned relationship where she runs around after him and he rules the roost. She will do whatever he says.
DH has 3 siblings. They have listened to him speaking badly to his wife their mum for years and rarely intervene. He has been told once before by DH that he upset me. Fil says it’s his sense of humour.
It’s not funny, it’s hurtful and I believe behind a joke there is an element of truth. He is a bully.
He has a favoured child he would never say such things to.
DH won’t say anything to him. Too worried about upsetting his mum.

OP posts:
PrettyLovely · 08/05/2018 06:33

Are you still relying on him to pick her up every week? I would have stopped that ages ago tbh.

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