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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not apologise?

24 replies

Jac1970stone · 07/05/2018 19:15

Four years ago I decided my marriage was over - we hadn’t got on well for years and he was very controlling and emotionally and occasionally physically abusive to me which had got increasingly worse. I had decided when I was in hospital for a long period that the marriage was over and I wanted to live a “proper” life. It took me about 18 months to convince him it was really over and when he finally went myself and my DS breathed a sigh of relief. My DD lives now in her own flat. You felt the weight lift from the house. My family though were not supportive initially - my mum said first of all that I should have stuck with it and I had brought shame on the family (very old fashioned) and I had no support at all from either of my parents or two sisters. After about 3 months after the split my eldest DD told me how she had been abused - I was horrified - I hadn’t known at all and she hadn’t said anything due to the threats he had made which having seen him in full force she completely believed. Again I contacted my parents, again they didn’t believe me and were not supportive. Eventually after about a year I had a really down day and posted only to my friends on Facebook that I was so upset to not have support from family and I felt let down by them. My elder sister saw it and was furious that I had embarrassed her in this way. We arranged a meeting for the three sisters to meet - a long distance for me - and I went along hoping that it would break the ice. My elder sister was extremely judgemental - saying she had never seen bruises on me, if that had happened to her she wouldn’t let the kids out of her sight and how could I use a babysitter (I only do occasionally) for my DS (age 11), and that XH has always been supportive and nice - I found out he had also been contacting friends and family to turn them against me after we split. I was so upset by this judgement and haven’t been in contact with her since. I have however been in contact with my parents. They phoned to apologise and we have since met a few times and been repairing our relationship which I would now describe as good. I took all of us down to see them this week and my mum mentioned my elder sister and said that she wanted me to apologise for the Facebook post and she hasn’t forgiven me for it. I was shocked that she was still so bitter about this. I do not want to apologise to her as it was all completely true - they hadn’t given any support at all and the later meeting judgements as well. My mum understands and again apologised for not being supportive and that XH was at that time phoning them regularly convincing them it was all my fault.
AIBU for not apologising? Would you?

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 07/05/2018 19:18

I don’t see what you have to apologise for. She’s upset that people have seen what type of person she is and when you met up with her she proved that even further

Guiltypleasures001 · 07/05/2018 19:20

Ide tell her to get to fuck, and as her mother ide say the same too

💐 for you and your dd

madja · 07/05/2018 19:24

Yeah, she's only embarrassed by the post because you were correct about the lack of support. I would not be apologising in any way, shape or form. She needs to apologise to you if anything.

VerbenaBorensis · 07/05/2018 19:48

So she's more bothered about what people think of her than the fact that she was wrong not to support you? She should get her priorities right. I wouldn't apologise unless u say 'I'm sorry u saw that and sorry that u believed my xh over me'!

2andcountingtodate · 07/05/2018 19:50

She needs to fuck right off, unsupportive shit bag. She should have been mortified and asking for forgiveness not acting like she's in the right.

HotSauceCommittee · 07/05/2018 19:51

Don’t apologise. She wants absolution for letting you down and licence to do it again when she sees fit.
I am sorry this happened to you x

balsamicbarbara · 07/05/2018 19:54

It depends. It's your story to tell and share for sure, but if you tagged her in or went over the top in humiliating her that wouldn't be so cool. Even when you do something wrong it can feel very embarrassing to be on the end of a story like this in public and she may have had her own problems at the time.

MyNameIsNotSteven · 07/05/2018 20:06

Why should you apologise for a statement that's true and you're not sorry for? Has an apology from your sister for her lack of support been forthcoming? There you go n

Original poster
Jac1970stone · 07/05/2018 20:07

Balsamicbarbara no I didn’t tag or directly name anyone - it was on friends only and not public - here is a copy of the original post...

Yesterday was quite a difficult day. It was my 25th wedding anniversary and the day I submitted my application for my decree absolute. Don't get me wrong I am extremely happy to be getting divorced and to be out of a relationship that was difficult, controlling and manipulative and emotionally abusive for many years and since ending finding out a hell of a lot more of the damage he did to our children.

I am extremely lucky to have found the most amazing man who I hope to spend the rest of my life with, who I couldn't think of being without, who has quite literally picked me up off the floor when things have been really tough and is quite simply my best friend who I love completely.

What hurts almost more though than anything is the total lack of support from my family - not even a text from my sisters asking how things are going and being completely excluded from a family event. I don't care about whether they want to be part of my life - I'm past that and I know the truth and am completely comfortable with that and my absolute focus is protecting my kids from further harm. What upsets me though more is the fact that Xxx has lost his father and paternal grandparents and because of my families actions has also lost his maternal grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins.

I know though that Xxx is now thriving and has become increasingly confident in the last year and is much more relaxed now he is not in fear and that on its own says a lot.

The fact that I also got my daughter back also means so much but devastating to hear why she left. She is however now stronger and better and moving forward and I am so proud of her strength.

So I am happy where I am now, much much happier and more myself than for many years - more than I could remember with a massive thanks to Xxxx xxxx xxxx in particular.

You are my family and I love you all so much. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Jac1970stone · 07/05/2018 20:07

Have just removed names xx

OP posts:
Queenoftheblitz · 07/05/2018 20:08

She should apologise to you. Please don't apolgise. That would give ammunition to the people who said you were lying about your ex.
Don't sacrifice your integrity for anyone.

Gemini69 · 07/05/2018 20:28

Apologise to NOBODY... I would support your daughter in considering criminal charges .. then post THAT on FB too.... screw your Sister... your focus should be your kids always Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 07/05/2018 20:41

Hell would freeze over TWICE and pigs would fly out of my arse before I would apologize. Your sister is a horrid bitch, and the rest of your family doesn't seem much better.

NCJaneDoeNut · 07/05/2018 20:48

I wish the book ‘why does he do that’ were compulsory reading. Maybe DS would understand how manipulative abusers are.

You should apologise.
‘Dear sister, I am sorry for making it obvious to everyone what you are like and sorry that I made your conscience prick.’

Original poster
Jac1970stone · 07/05/2018 21:26

Thank you

Gemini69 - we have been through the police system - unfortunately the CPS decided there was insufficient evidence to go to court but that it will remain on his record and for future searches. That’s the best they will offer, other than counselling through CARA for DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jac1970stone · 07/05/2018 21:28

NCJaneDoeNut Absolutely agree. Just because you don’t have bruises all over doesn’t mean to say you are not being abused. I know I hid it and put up with it for too long, and I will forever carry that burden of guilt for what he did to my DC.

OP posts:
Twillow · 07/05/2018 21:34

It's hard enough to recover from abuse even when you are believed. I can completely understand your hurt. If your message did not name names or hurl insults, you have nothing to be sorry for. It was the truth. Your sister should be the one apologising for taking an ex's word over her own sister's.

billybagpuss · 07/05/2018 21:37

Did you ask your mum if DSis intends to offer you a reciprocal apology?

Original poster
Jac1970stone · 07/05/2018 22:36

billybagpuss - no she didn’t only that my nephew (Dsis son) is getting married next year and I am likely to be excluded unless I apologise.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jac1970stone · 07/05/2018 22:39

Just to add I’m fine about not going to the wedding - I especially don’t want to be somewhere I feel so awkward or my being there create an atmosphere.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 07/05/2018 22:58

Your 'Family' have let you down badly... so very badly... but your Children are your Family lady... enjoy your own Family now OP and forget this disappointments that consider themselves Family.... Flowers

MintChocChip04 · 08/05/2018 01:49

Put a link to this post on your facebook page. Then sit back and see if she reads it/how she reacts.

Graphista · 08/05/2018 02:04

So sorry your family have let you down so badly.

Unfortunately I've had similar experiences.

My father has pure battered my mum at times but very careful to ensure no publicly visible bruising/marks. However when I disclosed my csa to her by him she refuses to believe me.

Fuck em! You've done nothing wrong, said nothing that wasn't true. Tell them you'll consider apologising when THEY PUBLICLY apologise for their shite! Yea don't think so!

You and your DC better off without them to be honest.

Well done for getting out and believing and supporting your DC. Believe me it matters.

thebewilderness · 08/05/2018 02:29

There is a relevant passage in the book Why Does He DO That.
I suggest you print it out and give it to the sister who is pulling the DARVO dance on you.
You needed them and they sided with the abuser. They should be ashamed.

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